Category: Parent Talk
Hey folks,
My son Marshall is 4 weeks old and he is my first child ever. I am still very ner ous about taking care of him since I never had a lot of experience with kids in general when I wa young. I only had a little bit of experience with kids from working in a daycare temporarily but that was through school and I had taken care of my little brother but he was several months older than a newborn. that was over 17 years ago anyway. So my problem is this: I sometimes have trouble getting my son to sleep during the night since he wants to sleep a lot during the day and I would try everything I could think of: rocking, singing to him and these things only tend to work for a little bit ut then he wouldn't get back to sleep or whatever. Alo, when it comes to breastfeeding, it seems like he plays these games where he'd eat a little and not latch back on. But then like 5 minutes later or s he'd be hungry again and he usually eats for about 15-20 minutes on both breasts. Sometimes he will just cry and cry which would stress me out cause I feel like I'm not meting all his needs after rying everythinb. Does this make me a bad parent? When I was at the hospital before I was discharged, I had a lot of negative feedback from staff saying that they didn't think it was safe for Marshall to go hme with me and that I was incapable of taking care of him most likely because I'm totally blind. But my friends and family have seen me do this and they all sy I'm doing a great job even with my lack of experience. Thank god my boyfriend is supportive and encouraging but I have been told that I'm too hard on myself and that emotions I'm experiencing are normal for first time mothers. So can anyone offer suggestions on the above concerns? Also I am still getting crap from social workers who come in the home for visits. They are bitching about how our house is set up and their problem is that I have Marshall on the floor since it's easier to change his diaper and it's safer than a higher surface like a bed. I have never once stepped on him. I walk very carefully in my house but they think the floor I unsafe. Nobody else steps on him either so I think they can get over it. It's not like my son is being neglected or abused. Marshall's father and I take very good care of him but we are often exhausted for sure.
A few more questions I forgot to include in my last post. If my son has developmental or visual prob lems that are genetic, how long do those take to show up? His father's eye condition is genetic, but mine isn't so there's a 50/50% chance he will be visually impaired. Also, I have heard some people say that you have to pick a newborn up every time he fusses and others say he needs to learn to fuss it out if all his needs are met. Will Marshall ever cry himself to sleep at 4 weeks old? We don't want to spoil him so what I do is I don't pick him up until he cries loudly because otherwise other noises he makes while he's sleeping could mean he's happy, r he's having nightmares or he's just dreaming happy baby dreams.
I'm about to be a mum too.
what I have been told is that for the first 3 months, you should treat your child like a prince or princess and then after that, begin laying down some boundaries.
Of course he will want to sleep through the day because babies need more sleep than we do, and need more food.
Do you have him in with you, or sleeping in his own space? It can be very important for newborns to sleep in with their parents to begin to get a feeling for the rhythm of sleep. We will have our daughter in with us for about 3-6 months, while johan is off on leave so that we get used to one another as a family and she can begin to sleep regularly.
babies still need to be fed a few times a night, so he should be waking up when he wants feeding or changing.
as to the floor thing, do you have a mat or something you put him on? that would be better than direct contact with the floor, because floors are very dirty. Perhaps the social workers have the concern that if he pisses or craps on the floor, he may come into contact with it, or you may not notice it. Solution for that is to have a waterproof mat that you can lay him on. I have one with slidy edges so our daughter will be able to not fall off it.
if you mop or vacuum frequently, and have a no shoes rule in the house it shouldn't be a problem though.
actually, if you're using the flor, maybe you will want a few mats that you can interchange with and then wash after one use to make them happy.
With a newborn he can not manipulate you. They cry to tell you a need has to be met. The first cries are attachment premoting devices to get you to pick them up. When they cry loudly or scream they are pannicing. Remember object perminance is not there yet, so if they can't see you, to them you don't exist anymore. What you discribe isn't too unusual for a newborn sleep pattern. They generally need to nurse between every 2 to 4 hours. If the baby is popping off and crying he might not be hungry at the time, or maybe you have an over active let down. You can try to hand express some milk or pump a little then latch him on after your first let down. My first let down with my little little ones would come out really fast, they'd pop off and get sprayed in the face. it happens. Changing on the floor is not a bad idea. Maybe if you have a designated area with a changing pad or blanket they can see that might help. As for the day time night time sleep. Just remember it's a stage every baby goes through, and when it's night time don't engage him in play time. Just keep things quiet rock, change a diaper etc. Comfort at night. In the day time there will be longer stretches of active time. New babies sleep a lot. I'm going to reread your post and see if there is anything I forgot to mention, but please feel free to message me or use any of my info from my profile. I'm a mom of 2 a 4 year old girl, and an 8 month old baby boy. Both my husband and I are blind. you can do it!
You can buy a changing pad with a non skid bottom and then buy washable covers for it in 3 packs. They are very good to have on hand because when you have a poo diaper or what ever just throe it in with the wash and they are made of terry cloth or some are made of a softer fleece style material. YOu can get the changing pad pretty cheeply at babies r us or on amazon, and the 3 packs of covers are close by. Receving blankets that you generally get a tun of in the mean time are a good option. kellymom.com has a lot of wonderful information about almost anything breast feeding related. Remember to be realistic, and to listen to your gut. You can try some different parenting books if you have bookshare they have almost any parenting phylosophy you can think of. I'm personally a big fan of dr. Seers. smile.
First, congratulations! Babies are awesome. Hard, frustrating, difficult and obserd at times, but it's all worth it. As a learly father of a 19 month old, take it from me.
Second, and this is so very important, don't be hard on yourself. You're a new mother, and every baby is different. Go easy on your guilt; you'll do the best you can. Everything you've described is completely normal as Damia said. At the moments where you feel like pulling your hair out or kurling into a tight ball in the corner, remember, no matter how bad it might get, it will pass. You'll look back a few months from now, and while you will still recall difficulties, you'll be amazed at how little it matters.
Third, educate yourself. I say this because everyone and their mother is going to give you very conflicting - and sometimes unwanted - advice. Just one example of this is the cry it out versus comfort manner of sleeping. Some people say to just let them cry and they'll eventually calm down and sleep. others say it's horrible to do that. So much depends on the baby overall though. I highly highly recommend reading a book entitled the happiest baby on the Block. My wife and I had a lot of the same troubles you're describing, particularly with regards to sleeping and breast feeding. That book helped us so much int erms of understanding the psychology of the little ones. Read it, please. You can find it on the Kindle, or on Ibooks, or a few other places depending on how you read.
There are so many things I have to say, but as this is a message board and I don't want to get too personal - plus not being fully certain of your baby, I'll leave it for now. One thing also to think about is speaking to a lactation consultant. There are so many techniques they can help you with. Again, every baby is different, but there are some general tips, plus they work pretty closely with you. If you can stick with breast feeding, I hope you'll do so as it's very benificial. However if it gets to the point that it's becoming too difficult, don't let others guilt you. You have to do what works for both of you.
I'll be happy to discuss things with you in greater detail. Private message me if you like. My wife did a lot of research before our little one was born. While our daughter defied all our preparations, we learned a great deal from personal experience and from some of the same trials you're going through.
IBCLC is a great idea, and if you are in the U.S. you might want to see if there is a local chapter if your lalache league. I've only been to ours once, but there were several women with babies around the same age. They were able to talk about sleep issues, best ways they handled things when the babies were in the first few months etc. You have a lot of blind parents here and other places who have been there. you're deffinatly not alone. I don't know if you're a fb user or not, but there is a facebook group called the blind parent alliance started by another member of the zone, and there are about 300 of us on fb who all are working through it from different places, styles of parenting, etc so the net can deffinatly be a friensd. I agree research if you can. One thing you can do while your baby keeps you up at night. haha. can you tell I've been there?
as someone who is not a parent, but who is planning on going into the early
childhood education field, I have read the book The Happiest Baby on the Block.
Very fascinating stuff. Another subject you may want to check out is something
called Dunston's baby language. I have heard babies anywhere from newborn to
around four months old use the same five cries to indicate their needs. Most
babies do this, but there may be the exception here or there. I don't go looking
for them either; I just hear them when I'm out and about often, typically when
I'm in stores. lol Anyway, good luck on your journey with your little guy, and
hugs, you've got lots of support from folks on here who have been there and
who can offer suggestions.
Hey folks, thanks forv the advice and suggestions. I've had tons of crap from social workers about safety shit and just a list of other endless crap. They're always bitching about something. Anyway as for changing Marshall or having him play I never have him on the bare floor. He has a toy gym that he will play on. Sometimes I worry about Marshall's father not getting enough sleep since he has a part time job and on top of that he comes home to cook clean and take care of our son. I try to help the best I can, but I've not been able to do it all because I've been trying to recover from having a C-section but thank god I'm almost healed from it. Does anyone have any suggestion about how I can carry him without bumping him into shit? I like to try to have both my hands free so I can feel where I'm going. We have two front carriers but they don't quite fit me and it's hard to use my cane if I need two free hands. He has a sister who would be glad to help, she is such a sweet girl, but neither of us want her to feel like we're using her even though she says she doesn't feel used. We've offered to pay her but she refuses to accept payment.
I have another question guys and I apologize if I end up repeating myself. I try to edit my posts to make sure that I don't do so. Anyway, does anyone have an idea where I can find low-income or free daycare for Marshall since the father works and there are times where I feel overwhelmed? Also I would like to start searching for work again so that I can help bring in more money. We are doing fine financially, but we could always use more money. There neer seems to be enough time or money available to us specially when Marshall runs through a ton of diapers and wipes throughout the day.
Hi, and congrats on the baby!
As a mother of a three year old boy and someone who does tireless research on all things babies and toddlers, I'd love to give you some advice.
First, your baby is only a month old. Take it easy on him and on yourself. lol. Don't expect him to sleep through the night and stay awake during the day; that's just not realistic yet. He's months from being able to do that. Babies start regulating their sleep patterns around nine months, so anticipate another, oh, let's say, eight months of pretty much sleepless nights. Welcome to parenting, where most mommy and daddies are zombies for the first year or so. lol.
Second, at this point, please just consider feeding him whenever he's hungry. fifteen to twenty minutes per breast is entirely normal! Great even! He needs those little few minutes of a break in between because his little tummy is trying to digest mama's milk. If he ate nonstop during each feeding, you'd have a really pukey baby on your hands. He'd be spitting up all the time. So yeah, just take it easy.
Also, please try to stay away from the idea that you're spoiling your baby if you pick him up when he cries. I'll be really blunt here because I can't emphasize this enough: the idea that a baby can even be spoiled at that age is old-school and downright ignorant. I know people tend to subscribe to it, but your baby's brain at this age isnt' even close to developed enough for manipulation yet. When he cries, he needs you. Even if it only means he needs to feel your touch. Think of it this way: he was confined in your womb for months on end, now he's out and free; and this stresses him out. He needs to touch his mama and smell her scent to keep him happy. It's instinctual. Please don't think it's anything else.
I'm very against the crying it out method in general, but if you are going to use it, because to each his own, wait about seven more months. Your baby's brain is not developed enough for cry it out and self-soothing exercises. In fact, there's plenty of research that suggests a baby's brain is in distress when he's left to cry till he gets really loud at one to four months old. Just pick him up; cuddle him. Yeah, it's true, you're exhausted, no doubt. But hey, he needs you more than anything else right now, and he's only a baby once. lol.
You won't start seeing signs of possible developmental vision issues till he's at least a year old. They can't do early intervention till he's eighteen months old if anything wrong is suspected. So just hang tight and enjoy your baby.
Oh, and honestly I know social workers can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but it pays to give what they say some thought. My partner and I are both totally blind, we also didn't have experience with babies before our own little one, and we learned a lot from one or two helpful social workers. Plus, if they say something is unsafe or unsanitary, well, look, they aren't rightfully supposed to say that to you unless they're really concerned. And if they're really concerned their must be some cause for it. For your own and your baby's sake, I'd really just sit down and take in to consideration what they're saying and why. Don't be hard-headed. Hard-headed parents end up with social services on their asses for ever. Take some of their advice at least and do some compromises.
For diaper changes, you should really have one designated spot with a pad on the floor if you want to stick with the floor changes. They're not only concerned with the floor being dirty, but perhaps they're concerned about the baby's fragile body making contact with the floor with minimal padding. A blanket or even one of these floor gyms won't protect the baby from bruising if he wiggles too much during a change.
Remember, a baby's scull is still very very fragile because his fenils are still open. Those are the little soft spots on his head. Be extra careful with those since if he hurts or bumps those in any way, he might get really hurt. that's the only thing I'd be really cautious about... the head. that's one reason they're concerned with the floor thing, and it's not entirely that you'll step on him.
What about letting him sleep in the bed with us? I've heard a lot of people say no on it, mainly doctors and physicians, but some of my friends and folks on here have said it's ok. Any thoughts? Also, what kinds of things can I eat and drink while breastfeeding? Like is spicy food, coffee, and dairy products ok? My thought is, why not try and let him get used to the foods now so that he doesn't have issues with them when he gets older. Am I wrong for thinking this way?
Ok, a few things hopefully I'll cover it all.
breast feeding. as long as your baby shows no ill affects. acid reflux, bloody stool etc dietary restrictions are generally not needed. Some babies need mothers to be darry free, but that comes up if your baby is having trouble. A cup or 2 of coffee a day should not be a problem, but try no coffee for a few days then add it back in. if you notice any big differences in fussieness then cut it out for a while, and try it again later. Alcohol is the only other thing ingestion wise to watch out for. No more than a drink or 2 unless you have pumped milk stored up for someone to give the baby then pump and dump for 12 hours.
I would say give yourself some time before deciding to go back to work. Day cares won't take babies until they're 6 weeks old or older, and it puts a strain on the breast feeding relationship because a pump is not as efficient as a baby at emptying the breast. If you're having a hard time taking care of your baby get help. My husband had to return to work 5 days after my c section with my daughter. Other than the visiting nurse coming in for weigh ins I was on my own, and 3 weeks in I had to have my galblatter out, and my husband had no time off to help me so the next day I was on my own with the baby. It can be done. It is exhausting. Sleep when your baby sleeps especially that first 6 to 8 weeks.
I do cosleep, and there are ways to co sleep safely. If you are still taking pain medications from your c section right now it might be best to use a cosleeper or mosis basket or cosleeper becide your bed so the baby is within arm's reach but has their own sleeping space. I will come back and post a good link about safe cosleeping and I'd deffinatly reccomend reading it. I love cosleeping and it really does help save my sanity, and gives me some extra time with baby. Social workers might be more ok with room sharing but not bed sharing so if they are in and out of the house this might be something to keep in mind. The suggestion about the padded mat on the floor is a very good one for this age. At this time waring your baby holding your baby is where they need to be most, a swing is also a great option for when you can't be holding baby. soothing, and keeps tiny babies off the floor. Or a bouncey seat that vibrates. I got one for our son a spare for $28 on amazon. You can also get them at garadge sales, and they have washable covers.
i'm pasting the don'ts here but the do's are on the site along with more information
Don’t’s:
Do not sleep with your baby if:
You are under the influence of any drug (such as alcohol or tranquilizing medications) that diminishes your sensitivity to your baby’s presence. If you are drunk or drugged, these chemicals lessen your arousability from sleep.
You are extremely obese. Obesity itself may cause sleep apnea in the mother, in addition to the smothering danger.
You are exhausted from sleep deprivation. This lessens your awareness of your baby and your arousability from sleep.
You are breastfeeding a baby on a cushiony surface, such as a waterbed or couch. An exhausted mother could fall asleep breastfeeding and roll over on the baby.
You are the child’s baby-sitter. A baby-sitter’s awareness and arousability is unlikely to be as acute as a mother’s.
Don’t allow older siblings to sleep with a baby under nine months. Sleeping children do not have the same awareness of tiny babies as do parents, and too small or too crowded a bed space is not a
as do parents, and too small or too crowded a bed space is not a good arrangement for cosleeping safely.
Don’t fall asleep with baby on a couch. Baby may get wedged between the back of the couch and the larger person’s body, or baby’s head may become buried in cushion crevices or soft cushions.
Do not sleep with baby on a free-floating, wavy waterbed or similar “sinky” surface in which baby could suffocate.
Don’t overheat or overbundle baby. Be particularly aware of overbundling if baby is sleeping with a parent. Other warm bodies are an added heat source.
Don’t wear lingerie with string ties longer than eight inches. Ditto for dangling jewelry. Baby may get caught in these entrapments.
Avoid pungent hair sprays, deodorants, and perfumes. Not only will these camouflage the natural maternal smells that baby is used to and attracted to, but foreign odors may irritate and clog baby’s tiny nasal passages. Reserve these enticements for sleeping alone with your spouse.
Use common sense when cosleeping safely. Anything that could cause you to sleep more soundly than usual or that alters your sleep patterns can aff
and the link with the rest
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/sleep-problems/sleep-safety/cosleeping-safely
most things are responded to here, so I don't have much to add, but if your making it money wise, then stay home with the baby. *just my 2 cents worth* but if its finantually an option, its best for all of you, means baby is raised with the disaplin you and your partner agree to, baby is fed changed and responded to when need be not when there is a spair moment and the bond between you and baby is strong and healthy because your brest feeding with baby constantly weather its a carrior your arms or sleeping. changing pads blankets etc are good for changing baby and if you feel safer on the floor witch usually I have with my two keep that up. Co-sleeping works well, you can put a crib against the side of the bed, use a bouncy seat or swing for the times you need space, but keeping baby close at night means everyone gets more sleep. as for cry it out, well i won't speak to it other than please don't if u can help it. my opinions on that are to strong for poasting lol. enjoy the little one, they grow far to fast!
it's also possible to put the cot right next to the bed. the one we have is fantastic because we can take the railing off the side and it acts pretty much as an extention to the bed, so i will be able to just reach in and take her too me so she can feed.
also, if your sister is offering to help, let her. it's not only blind mums who get overwhelmed. She loves her family, obviously and it's just a wonderful thing to have more close adults around for your baby to learn to trust.
Now is not the time to stick to your guns and go it alone. there will be plenty of time for that when helping isn't such a nice option for her because your sweet little baby is now 3 years of age and screaming, crying and pulling the house down.
Yes it is a good thing if you have family who wants to help for the sake of helping. If you trust her, and trust she'll respect your parenting choices. That is a big thing, and the reason i didn't bring it up before. That's got to be a personal choice.
What are people's views about being totally hush hush when the baby is sleeping? I disagree with it because I feel that he needs to get used to things happening around him. I wouldn't suggest screaming your head off or blasting music, but I don't think a person needs to whisper or tiptoe. This would avoid having a spoiled child in later life. Also, one thing I really worry about from time to time is Marshall dying from SIDS and it would tear me apart if I were to lose him soon. I read that some infants are prone to it something like between their 4th and 6th weeks of life if they're premature males or something like that. I forgot all the statistics about SIDS but the concern is in the back of my mind.
this is why it's important to have the baby in with you when you are sleeping. there is evidence to suggest that children sleeping in their own space, away from mum and dad are more at risk than those sleeping in the same space.
you need to remember just how important sleeping is for a little baby, as well. I get that you don't want to have a spoiled child in later life, but I am also quite sure you want a healthy one. Right now it's important that he can keep to his own timetable for the next 7 or so months. Like it or not, your life is going to revolve around him and his needs, and no amount of saying 'he needs to get used to it' will change that.
failure to get enough sleep will mean that he could be fussy and whiny when he's awake and a much bigger challenge for you. I would start worrying about all this spoiling when he's 6-8 months old. Now is just not the time.
Hmmm. I will take that into consideration. My unofficial inlaws don't agree with the whole quiet thing. But it's not like we're that loud anyway.
You don't need to be siolent by any means. I have a 4 year old and a baby, if you think that the house is quiet when the baby sleeps you'd be sadly mistaken. Loui is right. It is not the time to worry about spoiling. The brain is not even set up for that yet at all. If you don't respond to needs now they're going to set up a cycle of mistrust for their care givers. babies are a lot of work, are not convenient, and not meant to be on grown up time tables. Doe that mean you can't start making a rutene no you can, but expect variability. Loui is deffinatly spot on with the research on SIDs as well. if you want the american accadomy of pediatrics answer of the moment. safest place is for children to be in parents room in their own space. such as a cosleeper or basinet.
Candy's spot on. it's all about developing a secure attachment to your little boy. He needs to feel safe, loved and wanted. Right now, when he cries, he's doing so for totally legitimate reasons. it's not till they get older that they start to develop the ability to manipulate and you have to start laying down some boundaries. right now he just isn't at that emotional level, and so when he cries, there's a good reason. he's hungry, he's sleepy, he's not feeling safe, he's uncomfortable, he's sick, he's hurting, he's confused. all that he knows to do is to reach out for mum and dad by crying.
Accidentally put this on the wrong board, here it is:
My daughter's 20 now, so probably baby info I have is pretty "dated" according to many.
I would like to put one thing out here though: Parenting is hard enough without all the unsolicited and often contradictory advice. For the most part, if you do the best you can, your kids will come out all right. Drama-infested teenagers that can't let go of the cell phone long enough to do the dishes, but all right nonetheless.
So don't forget to cut yourself some slack, especially around the smug mugs who want everyone to think they're doing every single little thing just perfectly for their kids. A parent's worst fear is failure, and seems to plague our minds more than anything else. So don't be afraid to smack the smug mugs around just a bit and tell them to shove it.
Hi all,
I'm back with another question. Marshall's father and I have been sick for almost a week. We just have the typical cold: you know, sore throat, stuffy nose, etc. Anyway, we sent Marshall to his father's relative's so he has been there since Monday because we didn't want to expose him to what we had. Did we do the right thing? Nurses and doctors told us that he shouldn't be exposed to our germs as much as possible since he's five weeks old and I guess at this point seems like he's more susceptible to getting sick, right? But I asked my other also for her advice and she said we should've taken care of him anyway even if we were sick and she told me that she feels like I'm just trying to get rid of Marshall and that I don't want him. That made me furious because it's not true, I love him dearly but I just don't want him to die or anything and I was trying to follow what the doctors said. But we're starting to feel lot better so hopefully we will be picking him up today. But my mother pisses me off. She's so fucken negative and I feel that she underestimates my intentions and abilities and frankly, I'm tired of it. So I'm not asking her for advice anymore. If she asks how I'm doing with him, I'll just say that everything is fine.
Hi there,
First of all, I'm not a parent, so parents may feel differently than I do and/or may have more valid concerns or points of view.
That said, however, I think you ought to take a deep breath and relax regarding your mother. I can understand why you feel the way you do, and probably would feel similarly in a situation like that, but I don't know that shutting her out that way is the way to go.
From what I understand (again, folks, correct me if I'm wrong), being sick doesn't stop you being a good caregiver. If you had a cold only, then you weren't a serious health risk. No, you don't want your little one getting sick, but sometimes it happens. Babies deal with sickness better than you might think, though it goes without saying that a creature that small will be more miserable if he gets sick than, say, you or I will.
I wouldn't say that you sending him to his relatives is wrong, but I also wouldn't say that keeping him was wrong either. I think uncertainty is fine so long as no one gets hurt. You were trying to err on the side of caution and I can get behind that, most of the time.
I know you don't want your baby to die. Statistically, he's almost certainly not going to die either. The chance is so small that as long as you do well enough by him (feed him, attend to his needs, keep him safe and out of harm's way, get him to a doctor if something starts going wrong) he should grow up just fine. No amount of stats will make a parent feel totally okay with this though (learned that oone from experience), but I'd say you ought to try and get it out of your system if you can. Just do your best, seek advice on specifics, but otherwise try not to start thinking dark thoughts about what'll happen if your baby dies. That might help you get a better emotional mindset, and as such, might make you feel a little more prepared for this. I can gather from your posts in this thread that this whole prospect is quite a struggle, and that's fine; the more you do it, though, the more natural it will feel. What's more, if you try and think positively (or at least hopefully), you might see your baby less as something you might screw up, and more as a unique life experience you'll learn from.
Just my two cents' worth. I hope I've not offended you. Good luck.
No I wasn't offended. I found that actually encouraging so thank you. I jut want the best for my son and I don't want to feel like I've failed him.
Well if you are still breastfeeding or were still breastfeeding when you got sick it would have been better to keep him and nurse through it. This way he'd get the antibodies to what ever you have/had. Just because you feel better now doesn't mean that everything he touches won't have the jerms. Also it is hard when you're trying to make a bond to send a child away that young for more than over night. When my son was 3 months I needed to go to the hospital, and that was a very hard 3 days for me, and i did a lot of pumping and dumping. Next time I'd keep him home, but in the end it's your choice.
here's the beginning of an artical, and the link to the rest of it. food for thought.
7 Benefits of AP
1. MUTUAL GIVING
The more you give to your baby the more baby gives back to you. There are small quiet moments of pure joy when your baby smiles at you or gazes seriously into your eyes. There is wonder in discovering the world anew through the eyes of a child seeing it for the first time. There is peace in knowing that all it takes is your presence, your arms to soothe and calm your baby’s fears. Consider how you and baby benefit from being connected:
Enjoy one another. One of the goals we want to shoot for is to enjoy our parenting. Mutual giving is where baby enjoyment begins.
Biochemical boost. Remember, baby is not just a passive player in your parenting game. Your infant will take an active part in shaping your attitudes, helping you make wise decisions and helping you become an astute baby reader. For example, when you breastfeed you hold and caress your baby, you give your baby nourishment and comfort. Your baby, in turn, “gives” good things back to you. Your baby’s sucking, together with caressing your baby, releases the hormone prolactin, which further enhances your mothering behavior. The hormones associated with breastfeeding help mothers to feel calm and loving. And parents find that all their giving to their baby matures them and helps them place the different parts of their lives in better perspective.
Peaceful parenting. Here’s another beautiful example of mutual giving . When you breastfeed your baby to sleep – a style we call “nursing down” – you give your baby your milk, which contains a recently discovered sleep- inducing substance. Meanwhile, as you suckle your baby, you produce more prolactin, which has a tranquilizing affect in you. It’s as if the mommy puts the baby to sleep and the baby puts the mommy to sleep – a beautiful example of how each member of a biological pair helps the other by following a natural recipe in a way that was designed to work.
2. Mutual shaping
Along with the benefit of mutual giving, we find that attachment parenting also leads to a mutual shaping of behavior and personality. After becoming parents, you will never be the same – and you want the change to be for the better. Your baby can do something to you – or better, for you. An example of mutual shaping is well illustrated by how you and your baby learn to talk to each other. A baby’s early communication is a language of needs. Crying and smiling are the earliest tools used by your baby to communicate and reinforce your responses to his needs. As you learn and respond to your baby’s language, you may feel you are regressing to the level of your baby. You will act, talk, and even think at your baby’s level. As you are mastering your baby’s language, your baby learns to speak the language of the family. The baby then learns to act, talk, and think at the parents’ level. All develop communication skills that none had before. Mutual giving and mutual shaping is what makes attachment parenting so special.
3. Mutual sensitivity
Attachment mothers speak of a flow of feelings between themselves and their babies.
Martha notes: In the middle of a particularly busy day I discovered that my kitchen was overrun with ants. This was the last straw and I lost it, verbally and emotionally. But as I continued to rant and rave, I became aware of what was going on between Stephen (then twenty-two months) and me. He watched me, sensing my needs. He looked into my eyes, embraced my knees, not in a frightened way, but as though to say, “It’s OK, I love you, I would help you if I could.” As Stephen got hold of me, I got hold of myself – a mother calmed by her baby’s touch.
4. AP promotes independence
Attachment and independence can be illustrated by what we call the deep groove theory . Think of your infant’s mind as a record into which life’s experiences and relationships cut deep grooves. Suppose the strength of parent-infant attachment is represented by the depth of the grooves in the baby’s mental record. Between twelve and eighteen months, a baby can recall a mental image of the most familiar caregivers. We call this person permanence . This image helps to provide a secure base so the infant can begin to move more easily from the familiar to the unfamiliar. The mental presence of the mother allows the infant to, in effect, take mother with her as she moves further away from the mother to explore and learn about her environment. The most securely attached infants, the ones with the deepest grooves, show less anxiety when moving away from their mothers to explore toys. Periodically, these babies mentally and physically check in with mother for reassurance and a familiar “it’s okay” to explore. The mother seems to add energy to the infant’s explorations, since the infant does not need to waste energy worry whether she is there.
When going from oneness to separateness (a process called “individuation”) , the securely attached toddler establishes a balance between his desire to explore and encounter new situations and his continued need for the safety and contentment provided by mother. During an unfamiliar play situation, the mother gives a sort of “go ahead” message, providing the toddler with confidence to explore and handle the strange situation. The next time the toddler encounters a similar situation, he has confidence to handle it by himself without enlisting his mother. The consistent emotional availability of the mother provides trust, culminating in the child’s developing a very important quality of independence: the capacity to be alone.
A toddler with shallower attachment grooves lacks confidence that his attachment figures will be accessible to him when he needs them. He may adopt a clinging strategy to ensure that they will be available. Because he is always preoccupied with it or else spends tremendous energy “managing” without it. This preoccupation hinders individuation, exploration, and possibly learning. In essence, the attachment-parented baby learns to trust and develop a sense of self. These qualities foster appropriate independence. Studies have shown that infants who develop a secure attachment to their mothers are better able to tolerate separation from them when they are older. As one sensitive mother of a well-attached child said proudly, “He’s not spoiled; he’s perfectly fresh!”
5. Attachment parenting improves baby’s behavior
Attached babies cry less. They are less colicky, fussy, whiny, and clingy. A very simple observation lies at the root of this observation: A baby who feels right acts right (operates from a sense of well-being). An in-arms baby whose cues are read and responded to feels connected, valued. Because of this inner feeling of rightness, the baby has less need to fuss.
“If attached babies cry less, what do they do with their free time?”
6. Attachment parenting improves development
They use their cry- free time to grow and learn. During the last twenty-five years we have watched thousands of mother-infant pairs in action and interaction. We are constantly impressed by how content babies are who are worn in a carrier, breastfed on cue, slept with, and sensitively responded to. They just seem to feel better, behave better, and grow better, and here is why: Attachment parenting promotes the state of quiet alertness (also called attentive stillness). There seems to be some, as yet poorly understood, connection between a baby’s behavioral state and the inner workings of his or her body. A baby in the quiet alert state is more receptive to interacting and learning from his or her environment. The state of quiet alertness promotes an inner organization that allows all the physiological systems of the body to work better. Babies divert the energy that they would have spent on fussing into growing, developing, and interacting with their environment.
The growth-promoting effects of attachment parenting can be summed up in one word: organization. An attached baby is organized. In their early months, babies spend a lot of energy trying to become organized – that is, adjusting to life outside the womb. For an attached baby, the womb lasts a while longer, birth having changed only the manner in which the attachment is presented. Healthy, attached mothers and fathers act as behavioral, emotional, and physiological regulators for their baby. They act as conservators of their baby’s energies, diverting them into growth and development, not into anxiety and fussing.
In essence, attached babies thrive . All babies grow, but not all babies thrive. Thriving means that your baby grows to his or her babies fullest potential. Attachment parenting and caregiving helps babies be all they can be. Researchers have long realized the association between good growth and good parenting.
“If attachment parenting helps babies act better and grow better, does it make them smarter?”
7. Attachment parented babies are smarter
Attachment parenting is good brain food, and here’s why. The human brain grows more during infancy than at any other time, doubling its volume and reaching approximately 60 percent of its adult size by one year. The infant brain consists of miles of tangled electrical “wires,” called neurons. The infant is born with much of this wiring unconnected. During the first year, these neurons grow larger, begin to work better, and connect to each other to complete circuits that enable the baby to think and do more things. If nerve cells don’t make connections, they die. The more connections they make, the better the brain develops.
Brain researchers suggest it is these connections that we can influence to make a child smarter. Many studies now show that the most powerful enhancers of brain development are:
the quality of the parent-infant attachment (such as skin-to-skin contact) and;
the response of the caregiving environment to the infant’s cues
I believe that attachment parenting promotes brain development by feeding the brain with the right kind of stimulation at a time in the child’s life when the brain needs the most nourishment. Attachment parenting helps the developing brain make the right connections.
Many studies show that a secure mother-infant attachment and an environment responsive to the cues of the infant enhance brain development. Basically, these studies show that four relationships enhance a baby’s intellectual and motor development:
Parent sensitivity and responsiveness to infant cues
Reinforcement of infant’s verbal cues and frequency of interchange during play
Acceptance of and going with the flow of the baby’s temperament
Providing a stimulating environment with the primary caregiver and play activities that encourage decision making and problem solving.
A simple explanation of how this style of parenting contributes to early learning is that it creates conditions that allow learning to occur. Infants learn best in the behavior state of quiet alertness . Attachment parenting fosters quiet alertness, thus creating the conditions that help a baby learn.
If you are beginning to feel very important, you are! What parents do with babies makes them smarter. In the keynote address at the 1986 annual meeting of the American Academy of Pediatrics, infant development specialist Dr. Michael Lewis reviewed studies of factors that enhance infant development. This presentation was in response to the overselling of the superbaby phenomenon that emphasized the use of programs and kits rather than the parents’ being playful companions and sensitive nurturers. Lewis concluded that the single most important influence on a child’s intellectual development was the responsiveness of the mother to the cues of her baby. In caring for your baby, keep in mind that relationships, not things, make brighter babies.
For more benefits of AP, see:
How AP could reduce SIDS risk
The Body Chemistry of AP
How AP makes discipline easier
BENEFITS OF ATTACHMENT PARENTING – A SUMMARY
BABY
is more trusting
feels more competent
grows better
feels right, acts right
is better organized
learns language more easily
establishes healthy independence
learns intimacy
learns to give and receive love
PARENTS
become more confident
are more sensitive
can read baby’s cues
respond intuitively
flow with baby’s temperament
find discipline easier
become keen observers
know baby’s competencies and preferences
know which advice to take and which to disregard
RELATIONSHIP
Parents and baby experience:
mutual sensitivity
mutual giving
mutual shaping of behavior
mutual trust
feelings of connectedness
more flexibility
more lively interactions
brings out the best in each other
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So since we had him at his father's cousin's house for almost a week, does that mean he'll have more difficulty bonding with his dad and me? Is there loss bonding time to catch up with?
It means you should have him home, any time apart can hinder the bonding process, u didn't no, that's ok. now you do you can take action. read more by him, bookshare is good.
Trisha, this time is a special time. even if you're sick, you should still have him home with you. protecting him from every possible sickness will only mean that when he does eventually get sick, it may hit him harder than babies who are exposed early. i am by no means advocating that you should expose him to everything, but I am saying that not every parent has the luxury of sending their child away while they suffer from the common cold.
Your son needs as much contact with you and his dad as possible. He needs to build familiarity with you and his father and associate both of you with the feeling of safety and securety.
You can't avoid what you already chose, but to really get this little man feeling safe and secure, you need to have him with you in both good and bad times, spend time with him, hug him, lay down with him, play with him, talk to him, sing to him and generally just be near to him.
some advice that is given is that newborn babies shouldn't leave the family home until they are over 6 weeks old and should not be left with a sitter or another family member in this time also.
How do I take care of him if he should get sick since he's only five weeks old? Is there any medications he can have or something?
No not yet. You can treat the simptoms. clear his nose with an assperator, or go in the bathroom with you and him standing next to the shower while it's on hot with the for the steam. Nurse cuddle and the like, and if he spikes a fever before 3 months call the pediatritian. They are there for questions and it is all case by case basis. After my son was born I ended up with bronkitus masstitus and an ear infection, all at the same time my husband had to go back to work and he had a 3 year old sister. It's not easy, but it's doable. He ended up with a stuffy nose and a cough, but i just treated the simptoms and he was fine. If it starts to go beyond that sounds croop like etc then call after hours line or what ever you think is necisary.
If your son gets sick at this age, a constant line of communication between yourself and your child's pediatrician is necessary. Follow their guidelines, and if you feel unsure about something, schedule an appointment and take him in to see the doctor. In this instance, at this age, it's better to be safe than sorry if you don't really know what you're doing yet.
My son got sick with a cold at five or six months old for the first time; it wasn't an easy thing to manage by far for the brand-new mom that I was, but again, being resourceful and asking for advice along with using your common sense is what gets you through it.
babies your son's age can't handle meds yet, and it's not recommended that any be given unless it's administered by a doctor in a medical setting.
You also should never give a baby honey. I mention this because a lot of people try to cure coughs and sore throtes, respiratory issues, etc. with tea and honey. Honey contains a small amount of bochulism, and is therefore toxic for babies under a year old.
Just keep breastfeeding, and the antibodies in your milk wil maintain his immune system, thus it isn't too likely that he'll get sick.
Feed yourself well and stay hydrated with water - that's the most important thing for a breastfeeding mom.
I didn't respond earlier, but in a post a while back you asked if you should eat spicy foods, dairy, drink caffeine, etc. to expose your son to different types of food. I'll go back there briefly because, you shouldn't think that what you eat or don't eat while you breastfeed wil affect what he eats in the future. If you eat spicy foods, for instance, that's not going to make him want to eat spicy foods for a long time to come. It might make him gassy and uncomfortable or might upset his tummy, though. So with breastmilk, you get the side affects and not the taste of food. So I'd keep a healthy diet on the mild side if I were you. No use upsetting his tummy with, say, a spicy buffalo chicken sandwitch everyday or anything like that.
For the most part, you should be able to eat nearly whatever you want as a breastfeeding mom. I am an adamant advocate for little to no caffeine though, and I know oppinions differ from mom to mom on that. But science is on my side regarding that one, though. Think about it: if you're able to stimulate your adult body with effects from caffeine, what does it do to someone who's only a few pounds in weight. As someone else said, a cup or two of coffee is ok on the days you absolutely need it, but I wouldn't be going for a strong roast, and I certainly wouldn't be guzzling Pepsi or coke, or other sodas with a high caffeine and sugar content. Bad stuff, not only for the baby but for a mom who constantly needs to keep her energy up. Those things make your energy spike, but the crash is a quick aftermath, and that's why some people feel tired.
Anyway, just a few quick tips since I had a minute and since you asked about breastfeeding in general in an earlier post.
there's also research to suggest that too much dairy eaten by mum can give the little one stomach upsets and the like.
that all depends on the baby. my advice was eat as normal, but if you see a rash, or unusual behavior an elimination diet might not be a bad way to go. I tended to be more careful in the first 3 months, but now I eat as usual. I can read my baby well enough to know if something I'm eating is causing a problem. Generally nothing has needed to change diet wise for me. Yes i do drink coffee, andI drink it every day. I don't drink a whole pot, but there are days where I have 2 large coffees but I spread them out, and wouldn't if it affected my son's demeaner or sleep patterns. It all goes back to being bonded to your baby being able to read the q's.
can anyone tell me more about diaper cleaning services? how much they cost, how often to use them, where I can find one, etc?
´cleaning services? do you not just clean them yourselves by soking them and then putting them in the washing machine?
that's what we plan to do and what every other mum I know who uses reusable ones does.
however, I can definitely give you the advice every other mum who has tried them has given me. don't use reusables in every situation. reusable ones are more likely to leak and its not always easy to get the smell of pee and poop out of them after a while, even if you do have them professionally cleaned.
The people I know who use them have started to use them once their baby has more of a rutine or has started potty training just to clear up any accidents. The benefit to cost and environment needs to be weighed up against the time you will be spending changing sheets, clothes, and wondering just where that smell is coming from.
I was told, even with disposables, you need to change the baby's underclothes at the least every time they poop for clenliness reasons.
aim to have 3 sets of clothes for your baby on a daily basis. baby's have all sorts of messy accidents both when feeding and toileting. since you are blind, you definitely don't want anyone in the ear of the social workers seeing that your little boy is in dirty clothes.
you will also be using your washing machine a lot more than usual.
She means a diaper service. not everyone here has their own washer and dryer. When we used ours which i told you about some last night, but they did pick up once a week. It came with 70 prefolds a week so we would have 140 all together in rotation. They would be collected washed, and a batch of how many diapers we put out would be brotught to replace what we gave them the week before. You'll need to clean your own covers and either get disposable liners or wash your liners at home if it's like our's was. First it's best to see if you have a local diaper service.
one of the best things you will probably ever own for your baby is a proper matress protector. its basically a cover that you put under the fitted sheet if your baby is sleeping in his own cot. it has a soft side and a waterproof side which will stop leaks into the matress and just save you a whole load of time.
actually, I tell a lie,. you will need 3 of those in rotation. you can put them in the bottom of a babynest, or on any surface really where he will sleep, and just save you a lot of work. they are easier to wash than sheets and matresses andstuff.
Yep I was talking about a diaper service since I don't have a washer and dryer. How much does a diaper service charge?
It depends on your location they might not even have one. did you google diaper services with your city name?
Nope but I guess I will do that and check it out.
I never bothered with cloth diapering; it just seemed like it wasn't worth the trouble when I already had millions of little things to wash each day. And I had my own washer and dryer then, as well. So don't feel bad if the cloth thing isn't for you. lol.
By the way, I did look into it at one point, and, you're probably aware of this because it's common sense, but you still do have to wash the actual poop out of the diapers before you send them back to the cleaning service. They wash them more thoroughly and sanitize each batch, but they wouldn't be ok with you sending actual shitty diapers back to their facility. At least not the ones I researched. lol.
If you want to go for a more natural disposable diaper, I used seventh generation when mine wasn't potty training yet. Now that he's just about done with potty training, we got cheap and started using pampers pullups for overnight use. lol.
I use either seventh generation, earth's best or nature baby care. I use diapers.com and they're constantly having sales so when I buy a box i buy the one that's the cheepest. they also have wipes, sun block, of natural verieties, baby food/snacks and the like so I always end up qualifying for the free shipping, and it arrives really fast and they have great customer service, and the ap for the iphone is very accessable
Hey all,
I'm now looking for suggestions on how to childproof my house and how, as a blind parent to tell where Marshall is at all times when he gets more mobile. For instance, I was thinking about putting bells on his feet but what if he takes them off? And what happens if he finds out that I'm blind and decides to use that to his advantage thus he would try to sneak around and be less noisy. I ask this because due to my eye condition that caused me to be blind hast also caused me a mild hearing loss in my left ear which as far as I know can't really be corrected.
Good afternoon, long post ahead, so try and take it in ... i'm not a parent myself, but have learned much from observing parents, both blind and sighted, with their children. so here's my take on dealing with curious, active toddlers.
You wouldn't need bells on his shoes until he starts walking. I believe there is a whole topic on this site devoted to putting bells on toddlers, so definitely check that out for suggestions. I have learned toddlers and older infants who are crawling or making that transition from standing to taking their first steps generally make noise when they're active and getting into things; when it's quiet, go check on him. Make sure you have consequences in place so he is aware of what is and is not acceptable behavior. an example would be: if he takes his shoes off, a toy he values and enjoys the most will be taken away and he must earn it back by obeying you and not removing his shoes for a given amount of time. He is not of the age where this will be understood, so don't start anything like that until he's actually standing and walking. Having your own system in place for setting boundaries and teaching him what is and is not okay is very important, as well as following through with what you say you're going to do as a disciplinarian. If you don't, he will learn very, very quickly what he can and can't get away with around you.
Another thing, and i'm not sure if this falls under the topic of child-proofing, but it does fall under the subject of parenting as a blind person, so here: Make sure he understands he must respond vocally whenever you call his name and to use his voice, (and words when he has learned how to speak), with you as his primary caregiver. Talk to him throughout the day. Whining and pointing at things he wants is not going to help you, so until he has the language to express himself, and I'd say start doing the following between six months of age and a year, teach him to show you what it is he wants and name the toys he likes playing with the most for him consistently. This way he can start learning what they are called. In cases where the thing he wants is on, say, the other side of the room, taking him to the area he can't reach where the desired object is located and having him take your hand to show you will also be necessary. It is up to you and his father to show him who is in charge, visual and hearing impairment or not, and as with any parenting subject, discipline and punishment are things on which you'll get a lot of advice, asked-for or not. This is not something you will have to worry about for quite some time, but I understand the months definitely fly by, so good to start getting information and ideas about this now.
As far as child-proofing, when he's able to pull himself up on his knees or stand in the crib, I would say that would definitely be the time to take the mobile, (assuming he has one), out, as the cords from which the toys hang could pose a strangulation hazzard if he gets tangled in them. Put things you don't want him reaching like cleaning and household products, medicines and other first-aid items, etc, in locked cupboards if that is doable in your living situation. If it's not, find a way to keep them out of reach of curious hands and eventually, his mouth, like putting things up on high shelves. I'm not sure how picky landlords are about that kind of thing if you're renting an apartment, but it's just a thought. Making sure outlets within his reach are covered is also a must when the time comes. If you are allowed to put up a gate, or will be when he is old enough to get around independently, see if the layout of your house is conducive to putting up a gate between, say the living room and the kitchen. He can still see you if you're in there, but can't get to you and run the risk of harming himself by getting into sharp or hot things while you're busy cooking or doing whatever. Teaching him not to climb over the gate under any circumstances, whether you're in there or not by mmonitoring where he is and doing a whole lot of listening, is needed. Are you able to get a hearing aid to help with the side that's got the mild hearing loss?
If you have any heavy objects like bookshelves, have them anchored to the walls so he won't be able to think it's okay to climb on them to reach a book or toy on a high shelf, or that it's okay to pull the shelf down. when kids are old enough, they'll pull on things just to watch them fall, to hell with consequences. They don't have the impulse control or the ability to think about the consequences of their actions when they start getting into stuff, including the possibility that they might get hurt, so it's up to parents and other caregivers to teach them these concepts from an early age. Be extra vigilent about where you place things you don't want him touching or handling.
Look at his toys frequently for sharp edges, missing pieces or for pieces that are small enough for him to ingest. take broken toys and toss them if they pose a safety problem for him, but not when he has them, save it for, say, naptime when he can't see you taking them away. much of this applies to older infants, but it's good you're asking now. May I suggest taking the course Parenting: Infancy, from the Hadley School for the Blind? That's got loads of really good information for looking after babies, and there are also suggestions from blind parents sprinkled throughout the course material. Don't feel like just because you're doing thigs one way and a parent offers a suggestion, that your way is wrong. There's more than one way to get the job done. Hope this is of use.
Redirection is the best disaplin rule for the first 15 to 18 months.
The best thing we did was make safe zones. Baby gates/doors to rooms that are ok zones. then go around that room on your hands and knees. look for outlets, chords you can yank on, house plants on baby level., tv sets or anything that is sitting on something that might be unsecure. drawers that can be opened easily, and put locks on them. coffee tables with sharp corners that the baby can hit their head on. You can get phome cussions for that. pThere are bells or squeaky shoes depending on how much you can hear and what pitches are outside of your range. Youd need to experiment with the squeak verses the bell and see which you can hear. Make the safe areas where toys are, and make sure all toys are over an inch by an inch to keep down the risk of choking. This includes anything in the safe area. any valuables should be put up if you want them to survive, picture frames, breakable statues and the like. These are a few things we did, and if you have to leave the room a baby moniter could be a good thing to have on hand.
oh yeah, forgot about the squeaky shoes. The site pipsqueakers.com should still be around. whoever came up with that concept must be loaded by now. lol
I'm going to flit from subjet to subject. Sorry if I confuse you.
First, as far as keeping an eye on them, pardon the pun, when they're litttle, a monitor near the crib works. My sister-In-Law could hear me singing or doing things in my room through the monitor. I was in the room next to the baby's. Hard, when you try making calls, and baby starts crying. LOL I'm going to find out what kind of monitor, and bring it back to the board, if I can remember.
The bells are lovely, when they are older. They'll save your son's life. You'll hear him, and you'll know when he's in the bad zones. I can tell you, from seeing it happen, boys are fascinated by anything! Anything you can do to hear where he's at, will give you relief.
Yes. He'll use your blindness to an advantage. We kids in school had this blind teacher, and we weren't even babies, and we took advantage of his blindness. I can only imagine how kids will try and try to get away with whatever they can. It's natural. Cupboard locks, gates, whatever it takes, so you know he's safe.
The joys of being Aunt Sarah, is I could get a break. It was fun watching the little guy, but it's hard work.
One time, when he was way older, like over a year, he started whining and pointing. His mama said he knew words, and told him to use them. She was firm, but gentle. Changed his tune to make sense to her. I wonder if children of blind parents work harder to try talking, so Mama gets what they're saying. Just a random thought.
Yeah, you got challenges. But, you're going to love him. Work at finding resources in the community, to help you get some of the things you need.
Blessings,
Aunt Hot Wheels
I also agree with Damia regarding having safe areas for Marshal to play independently. sorry I forgot to mention that.
Regarding discipline, I love redirection because it's a gentle way of getting your child out of trouble and into doing something positive.
I used it religiously until:
I found this article by Janet Lansbury... My new parenting hero. lol.
http://www.janetlansbury.com/2011/06/5-reasons-toddlers-dont-need-redirection-and-what-to-do-instead/
While Damia's advice about redirection is most useful during the age she pointed out, click on that link and see why redirection isn't going to remain affective for long, the older he gets.
So. In short, I'd certainly use redirection with your baby, but I'd explain why first.
I can't let you touch that outlet, because sticking your fingers in there will hurt you.
Then you validate your reasoning:
I know you really want to touch that outlet. But it's not happpening; I can't let you hurt yourself.
Then, the redirection:
Let's color. Or would you like to play with a ball?
Of course, it doesn't always have to be so in-depth as that, but even now, as marshall's still an infant, even now as he still doesnt' understand consequences (you can't expect him to understand consequences for quite a while yet) it's still always beneficial that you talk to him. You explain everything. Whether he gets it or not just yet, it'll be ingrained in him a little more if you explain the reasoning why something is dangerous rather than just saying no, don't touch, or something to that effect.
Right now though, up until he's really old enough to understand things and attribute consequences to his actions, it's solely mommy's job to make sure he doesnt' get into things that he'll either break or be harmed by.
So, outlet covers. you should really have those, like, yesterday, since I remember that you said marshall spends a lot of time on your floor. Yes, you probably don't put him near outlets; that's common sense. But there's an increased liability factor the nearer he is to them. So unless your electrical outlets are way up high, go get outlet covers ASAP. They sell them everywhere.
Then there are cabinet locks. These aren't perminent by any means, so this is a nonissue if you live in an apartment. Cabinet locks are just like little plastic padlocks that go over the knobs of your cabinets. You can open them; though they are a real pain in the ass, lol, but your kid never will. Mine is three and we still have ours on our cabinets. He can't open them no matter how hard he tries.
Then there are doorknob covers. I'm not going overboard; trust me. Curious toddlers venture into rooms they're not supposed to be in unsupervised, such as bathrooms, and that spells disaster. These plastic knob covers simply snap onto the round door knobs; just sort of encasing them, and voila. Kid can't open then, but you can still do so easily.
Corner paddings for furnature with sharp corners are essential, again, especially since he's on the floor a lot, but that's already sort of been covered, so...
Gates: if you can, get the kind of gate that screws into a wall and you can lock it. They're the safest.
stove knob covers; if you have a gas stove, that is. We do, and we put special plastic covers over our burner knobs because our son was getting way too curious about the stove. There are also fridge locks and stove locks.
So that's all I can think of for now.
also, if you get a chance and you have a moment to read up on some awesome parenting advice, really browse around that Janet Lansbury site.
www.janetlansbury.com
She really knows what she's talking about, and she explains things simply and keeps people engaged rather than putting them to sleep.
It never kills to study up on parenting from some so-called pros.
I did take all three courses from the Hadley parenting series and I don't ever remember them mentioning what to do if one parent has different views from the other parent regarding discipline. For instance, Marshall's father believes in spanking childen when they get old enough to understand since that's what most everyone in his family does except for one of his sisters who shares my views of discipline. I don't believe in spanking, I think it's wrong though I got spanked growing up. Does anyone have advice on how we can deal with this? Should I let Marshalls father be the disciplinarian and I just use other strategies? I told his father that'd I would use spanking and the like as a very last resort if nothing else works but I'd rather avoid that altogether.
Lol, no, you md certainly not just resort to letting his father be the disciplinarian and for you to use other strategies. For one, there's a wealth of info out their that suggests that spanking had terrible effects on children. Psychologically speaking. If you don't believe in it, why would you be ok with spanking just because the guy who wants to do that to him is his father. Remember, he may be the dad, but you're the mom. You carried the baby in your womb to bring him to term, it's your job to be his protector. Have a serious but civil discussion with him about how you'd like to do discipline. Present him with all the research there is out there on how spanking is actually bad for kids mental health. I'm not making that up; IM in a car right now, but When I'm back home, I'll post some links to some well-researched articles for both sides of the matter. You have the right to say how you'd like to discipline your son, especially if your partner's idea of discipline is physically harsher than your own. Just because that's all he knows and what you both grew up with, doesn't make it right.
But the key thing is, you need to agree on discipline now, before Mingshall is old enough for you to implement any strategies. Any discipline will be inaffective if he sees you two openly disagreeing about how he should be dealt with.
Yeah, just be civil and be reasonable about it. And if you have to, be firm and insist that you don't want him to be spanked. You have to put your foot down on this one if you really feel strongly about it, as you should.
I'm sure bernadeta has some good links. I just want to say as someone who's resorted to it, and who is trying to get away from it because I hate it, that it's rairily affective. There are books you can read now together about disaplin you can read them and take what you like and leave the rest. Also remember each child is an indevidual and different stradegies work for different kids, but... and I can't say this enough it is the most helpful to have something stable your husband and you can agree to. No matter what disaplin you choose consistancy is the key to making it work. Consistancy shows that both parents are in the same place, can not be played against each other, and you won't use lines like just wait until your father gets home. Consistancy will show the child you have limits and you will stick to them. For example. Don't tell him if you keep it up I'm going to take you out of this store and we're going home if you can't then follow through. Empty threts are confusing, but even more so they show your child you don't mean what you say. There's my little soap box. Now I'll await the articals from Bernadeta. :)
Sometimes spanking is needed, if they run out in the street, start putting power cables in there mouth or do something dangerous that will harm them possably perminantly. a spank to get there atention then explain why when they are able to listen. sometimes right or wrong its the only way to get threw words aren't always enough to redirect. disaplin is tricky you've got different viewpoints all around the world. different things work for different people. choose what u believe now, comunicate with your husband make sure your in agreemenet on the same page and your consistent. "if you do x again I'm taking the toy/tv/whatever for the day" follow threw. always. otherwise the next time u bring up a consiqueence its meaningliss because the last wasn't followed threw. if your going to spank don't do it out of anger, make sure its from a loving place. ya not always easy to distinguish but absolutly vital. whatever u choose to disaplin make sure its consiquence not punishment your teaching there's a big differentce and its signifficant the child understands that later. redirection works to a point reasoning works to a point explainging consiquences works to a point. but in the end they usually have to learn from consiquences as we all do.
If his father believes in spanking, and you don't, that right there, is sending the child mixed messages. both parents have to be on the same page where what to use for punishment is concerned, but this is something you both have to discuss now before the child is old enough to manipulate. There are ways to teach a child without spanking, but that's another subject entirely.
And a consequence that harms them more than teaches them, is never okay.
Leaving the spaking debate alone, I do agree that it is best for both parents to be on the same page before such things become an issue. You can't punish a child for doing something when they don't understand not to do it, etc. But whether discipline includes time-outs, removal of prized possessions, spanking, You and the child(ren)'s other parent NEED to be on the same page, period. Whether you agree to use one method, discard another, it needs to be consistent, period. Yes, as the child ages, certain methods will be more effective than others, but anyone with a co-parent (whether in the same house or not) should be consistent in both rules and discipline. I can say this from experience, having had parents who were NOT consistent.
Coming at this from a Scandinavian angle, I just want to say that it is actually illegal in Sweden to spank your child. We do not spank our animals, and it is not acceptable to spank other adults, so it is not acceptable to spank a child.
The Swedes believe that if you have to resort to this, then you are not a good parent.
This isn't saying you should not restrain your child from doing something dangerous, but spanking your kid will get you a visit from social services here quick smart.
If you and his dad are not on the same page, then all this will do is make dad the mean one and it will drive a wedge between the perception of both parents and ultimately it will not be beneficial.
all spanking did for me was make me more likely to lie, to pin blame on another and be afraid.
There are plenty of other options for showing a child boundaries. If your child runs out in to the street, what you should do first and foremost is tell him that you love him.
Plenty of parents make the mistake of instilling the fear without the love aspect to get kids to understand about road safety. However the important thing is to make sure that they know that their getting run over would be the worst thing in the world to you and that it would make you incredibly sad, and that seeing them run off makes you afraid.
If a child screams, parents think the logical thing to do is scream back. However I have learned from other Swedish parents that it is even better if you get down on the child's level and very softly talk to them so that they have to be quiet and listen to you.
its also important that punishments should be for things that actually warrent them. there are some parents who try to use punishment to toilet train their kids, or when they throw up or something. this is totally wrong. recognise when your child does something unintentional like soil his bed or something, and that this is ok and understandable. accidents happen. Save punishments for things that deserve them.
Thank you, Loui., fan freakin tastic. *smiles*
Honeestly, spanking is only used by the parents who don't know what else to do. Think about it: If your kid runs out into the street and you spank as a consequence, the child is making the following connection: I ran out into the street, mommy or daddy thinks I'm bad.
Not that, I ran out into the street, which is bad because I might get injured.
if you spank, you give the sign that the child is bad. But the more effective thing to do, the much more effective thing to do is to instill that the beghavior is bad, not the child. And also to instill why the behavior is bad. Fear of a parent accomplishes nothing productive or positive. Your goal is to teach, not to dictate. I love the no-spanking rule in sweeden. I love how bold they are about the lines between good parenting and not-so-good parenting. They're not afraid to tell a parent that he or she's resorting to poor tactics. I'm stuck without a computer right now, but I still intend to post those links when I have it back.
spanking is also the easy option, but it teaches children bugger all.
what you are effectively teaching your child is that they can't do something when you are around. you are not stopping them from doing it when you're not there however, because kids are smart enough to make that connection.
It's important that they understand tone and so on however. accentuate your emotions. if you are sad, make sure you act very sad and upset, if you are angry, be firm and stern. It's also important to praise them when they do something thoughtful, or kind or good.
there should be consiquences for actions, but those consiquences should be designed to educate, first and foremost.
I whitnessed a Swedish parent use these methods with her own child.
Parent: did you break my table?
child: urm...yes...
parent: I am very, very sad now. I liked that table and now I have to buy a new one.
child: (pause then almost in tears) I'm sorry
her child was not allowed any computer time that night, but half the punishment was really understanding that she had made her mother very upset. at no time did the mother yell, raise her voice or attempt to make her child fear consiquences.
if we encourage empathy for others at a young age, we really should not need to resort to hitting our children.
ditto. Hugs.
but how does the parent who does not practice spanking, deal with a child who is going through a phase where they lie? The question, "did you break my table," could easily be answered with no even if the child did it. How do you help them understand the concept of, "If you tell me the truth to begin with, I won't be upset with you for being dishonest, but if you lie about it, I will." Then there's prying the truth out of them through conversation ...
I was spanked a few times as a kid, and threatened with it fairly often. Never beaten, you understand, just swatted across the butt.
It didn't hurt me. It didn't leave me any scars. I was never actively afraid of either of my parents.
That being said, I might be a minority, and my example doesn't prove that spanking is the way to go. At worst, perhaps it's not as god-awful as people claim if not done all that often. However, I do tend to agree that it's generally pretty useless. It might stop whatever the bad behavior is for the moment, and it might even help stop it in future, but if so, it does it in a bad way.
As such, I totally agree with those who've said you should put your foot down. If your child's father wants to spank your child, do everything you can within reason to make sure it doesn't happen if you're that dead set against it. Under no circumstances should you let it happen.
On the plus side, this is not going to be an issue for a good little while yet, so now is a better time to worry about it and work out a game plan than a year from now.
you extract the truth through conversation and using logic.
for example
parent: I don't remember breaking my table, and we are the only ones in the house today, so how do you think my table got broken?
In order to teach a child about lying, it is important that you live what you teach them. for example if you tell them lying is wrong, it has to be wrong for your whole family and to everyone. One thing my parents got extremely wrong was that lying was ok if they did it, or if we had to do it to other people, but it was wrong if I lied to them.
this kind of moral issue should not be something a child has to face.
remember your child might repeat something you say about another person and you yourself might get caught out.
so it's important that you live what you teach to your child.
For example if you and your partner scream at each other when you argue, you teach your child that this is normal. However if you talk things through with your partner rationally and scream at your child for something similar, then you are teaching them that there is one set of rules for them, and another for mum and dad. it doesn't mean you treat children like tiny adults, because they are not, but you must still show them some degree of respect, even when punishing them.
Ah, I get it. thanks.
here is another example.
hypothetically, a child refuses to get dressed. parent says 'get dressed or you will get a smack'
so now here is what my swedish husband did with his 2 young children from a previous relationship.
Johan: if you don't get dressed, this is what will happen. I will come in and dress you. I will have to do it very quickly because you are wasting time. I will have to pick your clothes and you won't have any say in the matter and I will have to send you to school like that.
they got dressed :D
awesome.
Yes i am havint the lying trouble with Apryl right now, that and steeling. We've had talks with her, and had her return things she has stolen. A sult shaker from the nearby pizza place twice now. She has no reason to take it etc. Asked the pediatrician about it yesterday and he told me to tell her there is a secret network of mothers who gang together to know if a child is lying. While amusing Kyle and I don't think it's right because like you said Loui we're using lyes to tell our child not to lye.
I know this is going to be a tough struggle for us since both my son's father and I are very stubborn. We have talked about finding a middle ground for spanking but only as I said as a last resort.
I have a question about bedtime schedules. Let's say that my son gets a bedtime feeding and changing anywhere between 8pm and 10pm. If we send him to bed at 10, does that mean is father and I need to go to bed at the same time he does? I ask this because a few people mentioned about setting rules and us parents following rules we've set for our son though he is only a month old. What about dad and I using that sleeping time as our time together since he works during the day?
We use bed time as alone time and time together with the knolege that we might not get as much sleep. my husband gets home from work at about 9 30 at night. The kids go down between 8 and 8-30 the baby a bit later because he's still doing 2 naps and just isn't ready at the same time yet. Then that's my time to get things done I couldn't while the kids were awake and time to talk with my husband. We wake up anywhere between 6-30 and 8 depending on the kids and the day. So you'll need to make a schedule that works for the family. The best thing to do is find a time that works, and find a rutene. something that can be the same. bath tooth brushing, story/song/prayers quiet time. What ever that might look like. You can start this at about 12 weeks old. not to say leave them to cry, but start the rutene, and then use it as a guideline and they will get to know this means it's time to get ready for sleeping time. It's also a good opportunity as they get older to reconnect.
the thing you might want to discuss with your partner is the simple fact that you yourself are not willing to spank your child because you don't agree with it. if he is the one doing the spanking, this will create his own special bonding issues with his son in later life, because mum will be seen as the nice and kind one, while dad will be seen as the harsher one, or at least that is how it could go.
My advice to you is that you both go through this together. learn about ways of dealing with a child's behaviour that do not include spanking.
Also, and this is horrible and wrong I know, but, the thing is is simply that social services are not going to treat you both as equals to sighted people. they are already having a lot to do with you guys at the moment, so, while for a sighted couple, spanking might be ok, but maybe for you it won't be and it will provide them with the excuse they can jack up to something more serious in order to take your child.
Kids talk, and it would only take the wrong word to the wrong person, another member of your family or a friend or someone at school, and you will have them on your doorstep again.
Hey guys, if Marshall doesn't have colic now at 2 months old, does that mean he could have it when he's an older baby? I mean there was only one day in his 8 weeks that he had only one fussy day where he cried on and off. We tried everything, but nothing really worked. He eventually wore himself out with crying though. But I've heard it said that if some newborns don't have colic in the beginning, chance is, they will not be colicky babies at all. Is this really true?
My son never had colic.
Some say that colic is a myth. I don't know.
Gabriel had some bad days, but never day or night-long crying marathons. I really tried to keep things as stress-free as possible for him during his infancy; when he needed to sleep, he slept. When he was awake, we did activities that either soothed him or stimulated him, but never too much. We never really had a busy schedule back then; and for circumstances far beyond my control, we didn't really get out much unless during the weekend. That was the case for teh first few months.
Some future soccer mom or socialite types criticized me for not being out and about with my baby all the time; they thought it was unhealthy and that my baby wouldn't be properly socialized. But I still believe that having an easy-going routine, no overstimulation, a stress-free environment as much as possible, all contributed to less stress on the baby's behalf and thus it avoided the constant crying phase.
Of course, your son is still very young; that collicky phase typpically starts between three and eight months; so you have yet to go to be sure that he won't have crying marathons.
But you know what?
There's really no set standard.
Every baby is totally different from another; their physical makeup as well as their personality are very unique, and they are the contributing factors to whether collick will be in the picture, as well.
If it comes, it comes. You deal with it as best you can and then it's over. I heard it's a nightmarish stage, but many stages will seem nightmarish at one time or another. If not collick, something else will come along once he's older that will make your hair turn grey. lol.
My son never had collic, but he's a stubborn boy with what seems like selective hearing. Try dealing with that on a daily basis. lol.
When do babies start sleeping through the night without having to wake up for feedings?
My daughter started to around 15 months, some babies once they're between 8 and 12 months. it really depends on your baby. you can try for a larger feeding at bed time, and a large one in the morning, but if they're grazers that's what they might be. Mine coslept and it got to the point with my daughter that she'd latch on and i'd just hug her and not even know it. Kian isn't great with side lying. he's a chunkier baby, and my milk bags are even bigger so he has a harder time getting ahold as he likes so i wake up with him generally once or twice a night to nurse. He nurses and goes right back to sleep though. he does go for marathon long feedings but is satiated, and just passes out.
Haha, you have a loooooong way to go before your baby's at the point where he will sleep through the night without needing to feed. If you're lucky, he'll stop needing it when he becomes a year old. If you're breastfeeding exclusively, it's going to take longer. But stick with it as long as you can; it's tiring for you but so worth it for the baby.
I don't stand behind bulk feedings at bedtime because research suggests that this kind of thing messes with their digestive system. Some people swear by bulking their baby's last feeding of the day with rice cereal, but for one, that's not a typical thing for exclusive breastfeeding, especially if you feed him more than you pump, and secondly, rice cereal is about the least nutritious thing you could possibly introduce a baby to as a first semi-solid.
So yeah, just be patient; keep feeding when he needs it. Around one year old you can encourage sleeping through the night without food breaks; either that or whenever you start to lean more toward solid foods than you do breastmilk.
there is a lot of evidence to suggest that leading an active lifestyle with your baby is not in their best interests. Mothers and babies should not be going out every other day and doing loads of stuff. sensory overload for the baby.
even if you don't stick to breast feeding, he will still wake up and want to feed, even if you switch to formular. this will be more work, because it means getting out of bed and warming it up etc. more time for him to grizzle and cry and wake you both up. breast feeding means you hardly have to move.
If he has a fussy day, try to engage him. try to avoid just giving him a toy or a passifyer and going back to whatever it was you were doing. sit down and play with him, sing to him, and provide him with gentle stimulation.
buy him toys that have different colours and textures so that he has an introduction to the world of touch and colour.
remember, that while you can try to have a rutine, there are going to be lots of days when he throws it out the window, and that is normal, and totally fine for a little one of his age.
Babies aren't really equipped to cope with adult timetables.
it's a big adjustment, and I am not saying this to frighten you, but to prepare you. My doula told me that it can often take new mums 3 years to get used to their role as a mother.
Do doulas typically work in hospitals, or can you have one help you at home if you choose home birth? How and when in your pregnancy do you meet your doula, and does the doula actually take the place of a birthing coach? Just curious about this as I don't often hear women or many of my friends who have had babies, discuss too much about having one either in the final months of, or the first few weeks after the child arrives.
How do I keep him awake during the day more often? Is it possible to do this so that he sleeps more often at night? Marshall's father seems to think if we keep Marshall awake more in the day that he will sleep better at night. I disagree though because I thought he is too young to stay awake during the day, no matter what we do or where he is, he'll fall asleep anyway so what's the point? It is frustrating for the both of us as parents though.
the thing is, is that he needs loads more sleep than you do. the average adult needs about 8 hours while a baby needs twice that if not more. failure to get enough sleep will effectively hinder his development. He needs to nap.
what I suggest is that you and your partner actually sit down together and do some actual research together and learn about what babies need. this isn't the sort of thing you can just wing it and hope for the best.
The amount of sleep he needs to get will change with age; he needs a lot of it
now as part of growth and development. He'll sleep through the night
eventually.
Reyami, I don't know how they operate in the US, but Doulas are an extra here that couples can pay for, and they act as a support person during the birth, before and after. birthing can be hard on a partner, so having a support person there who knows what to expect can be a fantastic peace of mind for parents to be.
our doula has come to our home to explain the process to us, teach Johan some massage techniques to help me cope with pain and taught me some anxiety coping strategies too. she has been a wonderful support person for us.
in a lot of ways, because I couldn't see, she has been invaluable in helping me to learn and understand the labour process, rather than attend classes at the hospital.
Please have your partner do a ton of research, or, as perestroika said, sit down and do research together. I'll take the risk of being a bit blunt here by saying that this sort of research, learning about babies etc should have been conducted before baby was actually born. This way, you'd have known better about what to expect and you'd have had just a little bit of prep time so as to make baby marshall's transitions and adjustments a bit easier on all three of you. That said, it's never too late to learn, and never too late to research. Although it's much less convenient for you now to devote time to learning and to planning things out since you have Marshall to care for at this point.
No, you won't get your baby to sleep better through the night by keeping him awake during the day. If you notice a few posts back, I mentioned that I let my baby sleep when he needed to. That's the ideal situation; if the baby needs to sleep, and there's nothing schedulewise, such as a doctor's appointment let's say, to hinder this sleep, then you shouldn't try keeping him awake on purpose. This is something your partner needs to understand thoroughly, because sleep deprivation is seriously detrimental to a baby's development. My son is three years old. Guess what? He still takes naps during the day. They last for 2, sometimes two and a half hours. He needs them.
Yes, it's hard on you guys as parents to have a baby that doesn't sleep through the night, and you're frustrated that he sleeps in the day instead. But noone in the world will tell you that parenting is easy. It's not supposed to be. It's one hardship after another because you go through phases with your child, and just as you get used to one phase, a new one comes along and causes you to change your routines, tendencies, etc. The enormous joy of having a child is a constant, and it's what keeps us going. But anyone who thinks that parenting isn't hard work from the very beginning is thoroughly fooling themselves.
you seem to have the better parental instincts of the two of you, no offense to your partner, so please take the lead on most of those instincts instead of acquiescing to what he might feel is best, so that marshall's interests are always in the forefront.
You're doing great by asking questions about things you're not sure about. Keep asking us because many of us, though we might be blunt in our delivery, we have insight and experience that's valuable to you and your baby. But additionally, research, research, research. Read about babies. Every baby is different, but there are things that are common and to be expected across the board. There are things that you can learn right off the bat to make your lives a little less chaotic and a little smoother.
Perestroika is right; you can't just wing it. Many parents think they can, but we all eventually learn that if we educate ourselves, if we prepare even slightly for things, our lives as parents, and that of our children, get easier or at least a bit more manageable.
You do the best with what resources you have, but always strive to acquire as much knowledge as you can. Just some advice from a seasoned mom.
Ps: just a little back story. When I found out I was having my son, I was already three and a half months along. I had no clue about children. I had never changed a diaper before. Never fed or bathed a baby. But I strapped myself down to some literature on various angles of parenting, and I' soaked up as much as I could before he came along. All my books and web sites didn't really prepare me for day to day life with a baby and they didn't teach me about diapering and feeding and sleeping around the clock. But they gave me perspective and pointed my instincts in such a way that I was set up to make good choices for my son.
He's three now, As I said, and in some ways, I'm still getting used to being a mom. but my whole point in this ramble is that you'll be just fine: listen to your instincts and learn from experienced parents who are mindful about their children's upbringing. You have the right idea, and your partner's as inexperienced as you are it seems, but with less instinctual feedback. So follow your gut. If you know your baby needs to sleep, let him sleep, regardless of what your told by his father.
Bolster your instincts with facts: like spanking is not really a common-sense punishment and it's proven to be ineffective, and like the fact that babies need to sleep a lot in the day, so it's important not to keep them up for your convenience. That kind of thing. Facts will always be on your side, so use them justify your instincts as a mother. And for the rest that you're not sure about, just keep asking.
i love this artical explaining sleep patterns in infants.
http://www.parentingscience.com/baby-sleep-patterns.html
Hi,
I'm back with another question. Is it safe for Marshall to go out and about in rainy weather? He's only 2 months old, but I figured if he gets sick from it, he could just get the antibodies from my breastmilk, right? I mean my friends and Marshall's father say it's not a good idea for him to go out when it rains but I haven't asked any doctor yet.
dress him properly. Put a hat on him, if you use a carrier pull up the hood. Just like you
would take precautions yourself not to get wet. Sickness generally comes from germs not
from rain.
Well can't babies get pneumonia from cold or wet weather just as any adult could?
they could, but they can be protected from it just as any adult can. your baby needs exposia to daylight and fresh air every day.
in the daytime, keep your blinds or curtans opened.
go for a 20 minute walk with him every day, unless it's super freeezing weather.
agree with previous posters. If the child is protected against the elements, he'll be all right.
How do I get Marshall to stay awake during the day so that he does more of his sleeping at night with him being only two months old?
As we have said in previous posts on this thread, it's not really possible nor is it healthy for him yet to stay up more during the day just so he could sleep more at night. Yes, it would be easier for you if he were to do that, but at his age, sleep regulation isn't really going to happen. Babies sleep when they need to; they don't conform to their adult caretaker's schedule. For the next year or so, you'll be running on Marshall time rather than your own.
you don't.
babies need more sleep than we do because they are still developing. they don't have the capacity to stay awake for long periods of time like we do. they don't develop it for a long while yet. they need feeding at night and changing and stuff, and will do so for a reasonable amount of time.
you may be able to keep him a little more awake by engaging him more often, in things like interactive play etc, but you really should not do this too much so that he loses his sleep. basically, he needs sleep when he needs sleep, not when you need it.
Sheesh, Cholic is not a myth people. It's *not* a myth. The daughter had 9 months of it. And we did lots of natural things too. Just because it's 20 years ago doesn't mean it was the dark ages. Poor silly hipsters. Anyhow, my grandmother-s generation, that would be your great grandmother's generation for many of you, was taught cholic was because the mother was too nervous. Now some buffoons are saying it's a myth? I used to feel her stomach muscles tighten when I'd hold her ... and yes believe it or not, before the 200s smug mug generations some of us did in fact know some things about natural stuff, all that.
Anyway, I'll tell you the hardest part about cholic has to do with your empathy. You can't do a whole lot for it, and your little one is suffering. Yes we used to take her for stroller rides when it was warm and she was bigger; the bouncy road helped. Yes I used to hold her sort of like a football with her tummy over my hand, or we'd rub her belly, and even foot massages do help a little bit. But you're dealing with the symptoms. Certainly all and every dietary constraint can be practiced.
Cholic is not a myth, and it's not a mother or a father's fault.
If your little one doesn't have it, I'm glad.
I don't have a broken leg at the moment either, but that doesn't mean I think broken legs are myths. I don't hae menstrual cramps, but that doesn't logically compute to me imagining that those are myths.
Cholic is real, and it's hard on baby and on parents. And if your little one has it, it's not your fault.
I used to wish the people that gave the Wife grief over that, telling Her She must be doing something wrong, were males. Because then I would have had the liberty to wipe that smug little expression off their face.
They say when that baby's born, it's not all about you anymore ... Let him sleep when he has to during the day. as I said previously, sleeping is when babies do a lot of their growing and developing. his sleep cycles will regulate later when he stays awake and is more active during the day.
Most of my bf's family members, with the exception of his sister are big believers in keeping Marshall awake during the day which is understandable because he works 3 days a week. We have made a deal where I take care of Marshall during the day and he does that at night because if I did it 24/7 by myself all the time, I would go insane. We did come up with a few strategies for our problem. We've decided that we'd let him sleep a couple hours at a time and wake him up between naps before he needs to eat or anything just to play with him and try to wear him out. This would take place several hours before bedtime so that there is enough time between him feeding and sleepin. I try to get him to bed by 10PM for the night. But of course he doesn't sleep through the entire night yet. He sleeps 3-4 hours at a time right now.
That is a newborn baby, stop doing that! What part of you are not supposed to do that do you not understand? He's not a 2 year old!
You know, ultimately, everyone is going to do whatever they feel like doing regarding their kids, their schedules, their conveniences, etc. and they will justify doing so in whatever way they can.
But here are yet more of my thoughts:
As a mother, I'm sorry if I'm out of line here, but I just feel like it's so cruel to wake your baby when he's still so young and not done sleeping.., especially when you, as a mother, have nowhere special to go to on a daily basis, especially when the only reason to wake him is so that he might, and I say might, sleep longer at night.. Don't you? Don't you feel, as a mom, a sort of a tug at your own heartstrings when you go and wake your baby from a peaceful slumber, at eight weeks old or so, just so that things are going to hopefully be a bit more convenient for you and your baby's father throughout the days?
I would.
Here's the thing:
Your baby's father works three days out of the week, right? You don't work at all if I remember correctly, aside from taking care of your son, right now. What about all of the parents who work full time, five or six days out of the week both of them--which by the way, is very common today--and still they have to care for their little baby when they aren't working.
What about the single moms out there, which there are also many, who don't have a man to take over the nightly baby duties so that they can take a break? How about the mothers or fathers whose other half works full time every day while he or she stays at home with the kids?
I know; everyone's personal struggle seems insurmountable to them alone. But look around you at the millions of other parents with two months of age who may be in any of the previously mentioned circumstances... you think you have it difficult?
And yet, many of them who have a bit of common sense wouldn't wake up their babies on purpose unless they really had to. Who does that?
Sorry; a bit heavyhanded perhaps, but honestly, parenting is a twenty-four seven job. It's not just a cliche, people say it because it's true. You'd go insane if you had to take care of your son on your own 24/7, well, it looks like you might be well on your way to the crazytrain station, because like it or not, the 24/7 parental duty thing is real in the most literal sense when a child is an infant. You have to be on-call, 24/7, day or night, whether you like it or not, rain or shine, sickness or weakness, until that baby is developmentally old enough to sleep through the night. This is something you should have at least conceptualized while Marshall was still inside your womb. This isn't supposed to be a newsflash, but I have a hunch it might be.
Have you talked about this with Marshall's pediatrician? Why don't you ask him if he or she recommends waking your baby up at this age so that you can get a better night's sleep. I bet he or she might recommend that when Marshall's a few months older, but I'd be very surprised if she gave you the go-ahead to do that now.
Here are some better strategies:
First, let your two-month-old sleep until he's ready to wake up, for goodness sake. lol.
Secondly, take him outside during the day on a daily basis, even if just for a few minutes, or open the drapes to let in a ton of sunlight during the day when an outing is impossible. This is a gentler way of eventually regulating Marshall's system to the difference in night and day.
When he does wake, then play with him or do little activities until he seems sleepy again. This won't be a long stretch of time because, as previously said, baby's just eight or so weeks old. Stay active with him when he's awake, but don't wake him on purpose to stay active.
Now, if he wakes up during the night, keep it simple. Keep it to diaper changes and feedings, the bare necessities, no other stimulation like an impromptu game of peekaboo or something active. make sure to set the night time mood to be calm when he wakes for his nightly necessities, and make the daytime mood more cheery.
That's about all you can do to help a child your boy's age distinguish, eventually, between night and day, and to help his body figure out when to sleep and when to stay awake.
Honestly.
That's all.
And here's another suggestion: your man works three days out of the week, right? That means he has to be out and about three days out of the week, awake and alert during the day. Yu'll find, that even in the most egalitarian of relationships, half-n-half deals always end up backfiring. You take days while he takes nights, all the time, every time. But is that fair to him on the nights before the three days he works? Nope. So if I were you, I'd also cover the nights before he works, so that the man can sleep enough to be well-rested forwork. I'd figure that, while I had to care for my baby everyday, I had no job to attend the next morning, so I might as well suck it up and do him that favor
on the nights when he should really sleep.
Just my thoughts.
This way, his family wouldn't have as much of a conflict about whether marshal stays awake throughout the days right now or not; you'd be relieving their relative from his nightly duties before work, thus allowing him the rest he needs for the job. Would that be easy on you? Hell no. But again, we come back to the same thing: parenting equals sacrifice. The same for equal romantic partnerships. You cover for him when it makes sense to do so.
Another thing: why not sleep when Marshal sleeps. Sure; why not. Take a nap during the day if you need to,, while you're still at home and your job is primarily to care for him. It would be totally justifiable to take a break and recharge while you're on break, so to speak.
Will it kill your kid for you to wake him up every couple of hours now, just to get him used to nighttime sleeping? Honestly no. But there are more humane ways for managing your situation; the burden of parental responsibility should rest on, well, you guessed it: the parents. You're much better equipped for being inconvenienced and for handling difficulties than your two-month-old infant.
you know what, I am just going to come right out and say this, because I am a bluntly honest person, and we have been through this point before.
your partner's family are being idiots about this and as his mother, you need to do the research and put your foot down about stupidity like this.
what people don't get is that anyone can become a parent, without any experience or any research, and that means that every man and his dog can have an opinion about something they may never have even picked up a book on, or not revised their thinking on since the 60s.
he is a newborn. newborns need to eat every 2-4 hours. they need changing when they crap, they need comforting when they are scared, tyred or confused.
keping him more awake isn't going to stop the fact that he will wake up when he soils himself or when he needs food. it will just mess with his development. sleep training should not occur before 3 months.
infants must have 16-18 hours of sleep every day. they also do not sleep deeply like we do.
and here is the best advice anyone will ever give you about it all. sleep when he does.
If you need to be the one who gets up at night to feed or change him, then have a nap when he is napping.
Your body is, at this point in time, able to do this, because you have several chemicals running through it right now which are helping you cope on less sleep.
don't expect him to adjust his sleep patterns for you, because he is the one who is growing and developing and needing more sleep. instead, you need to adjust what you do to suit his needs.
at the moment, I am taking sleep where i can get it and being grateful for what I get.
perfect example is the fact that while I was writing this, I lost my train of thought because my own little girl woke up and needed me to attend to her needs. she neededd feeding and cuddles from mamma to feel safe, so that is exactly what she got, while I left this post hanging in limbo.
wherever humanly possible, for the first few months, you need to drop what you are doing and attend to his needs first.
I recommend the documentary 'the secret life of babies' and the book 'the happiest kid on the block'
also, this actually isn't about your partner's family. your partner's family need to butt out a bit and stop telling you how they would do things, and let you and your partner decide for yourselves and do some decent research of actual parenting strategies rather than just what worked for us was fine, so if it ain't broke....
Thank you!! Perfect example of a brand new mommy who took the time to educate herself... Hey Perestroika... sorry; forgot your real name. Can you tell us how much you knew about babies before you found out you were having one? Just genuinely curious. smile.
Interesting, I've never seen the documentary the secret life of babies. Youtube, here I come ...
Bernadeta and Loui thank you both. Yes stop waking him up. Read the artical I posted before. It has tips like Bernadeta suggested with biological reasoning to back it up. When he wakes up play with him by all means in the day. Don't wake the baby. The only reason a doctor would suggest this at all at this age is for a baby who has failior to thrive who will not wake themselves up to feed. It doesn't sound like this is your son's issue. I'm also a stay at home Mom, and my husband works full time. I voluntier 3 days a week taking care of other kids as well as my own at the local ymca. This means I get up with the baby. Yes because I breast feed, but also for diaper changes because Daddy needs his rest. We all get up as a family in the mornings. Hubby helps me with kids getting ready to get out the door, but some mornings he sleeps and I do it. So sometimes I don't see my husband until he gets home at 10 at night. So yes 24 hours is not an exaduration especially if your bf does decide to take on a second job and go to school When he's home he'll need you to still mainly do the care because he will need to study and sleep. Welcome to mother hood.
it's a great documentary that gives you an idea of the way babies actually see the world, rather than how we think they see it, or how we think they should see it.
Right Away, I knew a little, because my husband and I were actively trying for a child and I was having fertility treatment because of some condition my ovaries have. I also wanted to be absolutely certain that a child was what I really wanted. My partner has 2 children from a previous relationship, but Matilda is my first. I've done the bulk of my research while pregnant though.
My personal opinion is that no child is an accident, or at least shouldn't be, not with birth control methods out there and so on, and no parent has the excuse of not knowing by the time the baby arives, because you have months and months to read, join forums, find other mums to talk to and do whatever you can to educate yourself.
Now that the op is in this position however, her and her partner need to step up, do the research, join parenting groups online and find strategies that actually work, rather than just what the partner's family believes works.
My sentiments exactly, Louie.
In my case, My little boy was actually a surprise. I mean, really a surprise. My partner and I were using concoms and BC; both apparently failed, and I only found out in my fourth month that I was pregnant. I had a lot of catching up to do, certainly. I was not expecting a baby, and especially not then. But a baby it was, and you're right, there's no excuse not to educate oneself once you know you're pregnant and keeping your baby. The only excuses for allowing yourself to stay misinformed are none that are good.
I only made a deal with his father to do night time diaper changes because well let's face it, my bf has always had a hard time sleeping at night and he's a night owl so I figured if he's up at night, he could help me take care of our son. I've tried getting my bf to take sleep medication but he won't and both of us have a stubborn personality which can be annoying at times. I however get plenty of sleep, it's just that it took two parents to make Marshall, so why can't his father step in and help while he's home, specially when the father is up at night anyway? He only changes diapers anyway, I do the feeding so that dad can sleep and then I wake up the dad for diaper changes and that is all he has to do at night. Otherwise during the day if Marshall is awake longer than for feeding and all, the father is very good with playing and spending time with Marshall.
if you are waking him up to do this, then he is losing sleep. there is a difference to being awake in the first place, and having to be woken.
if you are doing the latter, on a night before he has to work, then this is hardly fair.
yes, it took 2 parents to make the child, but your partner is also the one doing the working. that's his job, he is making money for his family.
On the other hand, you are at home, have the luxury of sleeping when your child does while your partner is working. he doesn't have the luxury of sleeping on the job!
find other ways in which he can help you at home.
For example, when my partner goes back to work from paternity leave in August he will not ever be getting up at nights to do anything for our daughter. He's the one working 13 hour shifts to feed us, so that would hardly be fair expecting him to get up in his sleeping time to change nappies and soothe a screaming child, especially when I have nothing all that special to do the next day.
He will however do so when he is off for a couple of days so that I can catch up on some missed sleep
He will also help more with the general housework that I don't get to due to sleeping and taking care of our child in the time when he comes home from work or before he starts.
think of this as your job, while his job is to earn the money, help you when he is not expected to be working his job and help with the upkeep of your home.
on nights when he is expected to work the next day, it should all entirely be up to you.
Right on, loui.
By the way, paternity leave? Whaaaat? No fair; we don't get that here. I'm moving to sweden. hahaha.
Bernadeta, i said the same thing to her. lol Especially when we had our son. man having daddy home for a while would have been nice for Apryl's sake.
Swedes very much believe in equal parenting. we get 480 days of payed leave to share between us, but 120 of those days cannot be given to the other parent. we also get a little extra if we share our parental lleave exactly equally.
Father's also get 10 days of leave directly after the child is born that is not included in this, so that they can be home straight away to help care for their new child.
oh and did I mention that we get 15 hours of free childcare every week after she turns 1?
this is because Swedes don't see childcare as a luxury, they see it as good for children to be with other children, so they give people free daycare time to use for their child's benefit.
You're making me jealous. hahahaha
No; seriously though. what an excellent outlook and what excellent regulations. Makes me wonder where the US went wrong.
I was lucky because my partner and I both work from home, so he was around whenever I needed him when Gabriel was born, just as he is now.
I just want to say something really quick here, and I'll try not to echo what everyone else is saying, even though it falls close to the same bucket.
Stop putting your needs first. Marshall comes first.
You and your partner had sex. You chose that, unless this child was the product of rape, which I...definitely don't think is the case. Ergo, you may not have chosen specifically to have a child, but you facilitated it. You did things that would give it a chance to happen; if you hadn't done those things, it wouldn't have happened and Marshall wouldn't be here. When I say "you" in this particular case, I mean the pair of you.
This being the case, you have a responsibility, and not just because a helpless infant is now depending on you for its very life. Put simply: you brought it here, now friggin' deal with it properly.
Marshall's dad is clearly backward. he thinks sleep regulation, spanking and ignoring a baby's crying are viable. He clearly doesn't know a lot about being a parent. You're here asking questions...better late than never, I guess, so that means you're trying to move forward. Resist any and all attempts to backslide. You don't have to be democratic about these things. If waking your baby up forcibly so he'll sleep later is going to hurt him developmentally - and it probably will - then don't do it, and better yet, don't let anyone else do it. Don't give in just because your partner wants to, or because you think you ought to honour his point of view. In a case like this, research and evidence back you up and leave him hanging out to dry, so dispense with all that claptrap. If ever you put your partner's needs in front of your baby's, at your baby's expense, you're losing track of what's important. A parent who does this very occasionally is probably fine, and I bet all parents have done it at least once on something or other; a parent who makes a habit out of doing this is clearly not well-suited to being a parent. All your talk is making me worry that you're falling into the latter group.
It is good to ask questions, but I feel like most of them are coming from the standpoint of how Marshall's behavior will impact you, or your partner. Flip it around. How does your behavior, and that of your partner, impact Marshall? That's the question you really ought to be asking.
Also, I don't know if you and Marshall's father are partners anymore or not, so I apologize for presuming a little...but seriously, get rid of the "half and half" thing. Marshall's dad is going to work and earning a living. You don't have an income, correct? This means that if he's working, he's probably generally more tired than you are; if nothing else, he's doing something by default five days out of seven that is contributing to your financial survival. If you can't work right now, that's okay...but for pity's sake, when that man is asleep at night and Marshall needs changing, don't wake him up if you hear the baby cry. Just get up and do it yourself. This holds even truer if he's got trouble sleeping; would you really want to rouse him only to have him become exhausted and unable to get back to sleep? Depending on what he does for a living, that's a really excellent way to get him hurt some fine day, particularly if he operates anything heavy or has to do fine detail work of some kind. A tired person makes more mistakes, and can hurt themselves or others; a tired person's mistakes can also get him reprimanded or fired sometimes. This doesn't mean you ought to be a slave and do every tiny little thing while your partner works, but it does mean that if you get the lion's share of feedings and diaper changes and the like, you ought to just swallow it and be pleased that you can be helpful in some way.
In any partnership, all members ought to pull their weight. More importantly, all members ought to be willing to help out the others if they need it. I think sometimes you lose track of that.
Wow Greg; High five! What's up; is this the twighlight zone or do you finally see the light in this case? lol.
Sorry. No. I mean that in the most light-hearted manner possible.
I appreciate this last post. Truly.
yep. agree with this 100%
Like it or not, you guys made the choice to have a child. You made the choice without doing much research, I can see that from what you are posting, but you made the choice nonetheless.
you both need to think long and hard about why you made that choice, both as individuals and as a couple.
and you want to know something else? if you and his dad are worried about social services, then possibly the worst thing you can do is start disturbing your child's sleep and messing with his development that way, because this kind of crap shows up when babies start having medical problems. that is neglect, pure and simple and it will definitely give social services a reason to sniff around more. again, yes, I am being blunt here, but as far as I am concerned you actually need to hear this and take it on board.
I'll add the following:
And I don't mean for this to be a scare tactic, I don't mean for this to be an exaggeration, just a point which many people don't consider.
We, as blind parents, are scrutinized from day one. Everyone who's anyone is just watching for us to make a mistake from the day you give birth to that baby, to the day he walks out of your house and into his own apartment or a college dorm room. I don't know if it's like that in Sweden, or anywhere else for that matter, but it's like that here in the US.
"There are plenty of crappy sighted parents out there, but as long as they look normal and look like they are capable of taking care of their kid, they go under the radar. How many cases do we see of kids who are abused or neglected for years and no one really pays attention till the situation begs to be looked at.
Now, how many parents who are blind get their parental rights severed compared to sighted parents? Too many for me to feel comfortable with the matter.
Now, I'll be blunt here: I've seen kids get taken away from some blind parennts, where, and I don't even feel guilty about thinking, oh, thank god those people didn't have a clue what to do with a kid. And I'm sorry; but that's too often the case. Misinformation can be even more dangerous sometimes than purposeful neglect or cruelty.
But my point is, as blind parents in the US, we sort of need to try twice as hard not to screw up. In our minds, we're doing the best we can, we're doing everything in the best interest of our child, but to social service types, we're often on the "inadequate parents" list from day one, and as bad as it is, we need to prove them wrong.
So honestly, it's in your best interest not to be a so-called experimental parents. You and your partner are both blind, and as horrible as it is, every child service's pprofessional's eyes are on you. So if your house is dirty for instance, if you dont' have enough food in your fridge, if you have inadequate accommodations for your family and especially for your child, if you have no idea about a child's developmental stages, those are all targets against you for social services. Those are all good enough reasons for them to keep their nose in your business for years to come.
I'll tell you all a little story: From the time my son was about six months old, I started taking him on daily stroller walks through my neighborhood. It was spring, going into summer, and it was just so beautiful for me to be outside with him, so healthy. He was so happy to be there too! So each day, I set off with cane in one hand, stroller in the other, and off we went. I knew my neighborhood very well; I knew every crack in the sidewalk. I wasn't even crossing any busy streets with the stroller in tow, because I didnt' have to. We were simply going around a huge block.
So imagine my surprise, one day, when CPS knocked on my door, telling me that a concerned citizen called and reported a blind lady with a cane driving an infant around in a stroller. They were concerned , because I couldn't possibly see the dangers if there were any, if I couldn't see.
So CPS came in, they disrupted my day, but they came and here's what they saw:
A perfectly healthy, happy baby boy playing in his play pen, and then on a floor mat with his mommy and daddy. They saw a small, but clean apartment, they checked everything, and I mean, everything. They checked our fridge. They checked our bedrooms... I was sure they were looking for something to get us on. But they couldn't find anything. Just to be sure, a friend from a volunteer child development program that's run through a local hospital, he's called a home visitor, vouched for us, saying that we're one of the best parenting couples on his roster and that he had no concerns whatsoever about us parenting while being blind. He wasn't exaggerating either. And so, CPS left us alone after that. But see, it only took an innoscent walk with my kid in his stroller to get them on my back. For no reason other than the fact that I'm blind, as is my partner. A sighted parent with lacking parenting skills, who may be too ignorant to pass muster otherwise, would never be stopped and interrogated about taking his kid out on a stroll in the middle of the day.
So my point, again, is to try to not be stupid about parenting. And I mean that in the nicest way possible. Someone might tell you it's ok to spank your kids, it's ok to give them soda or whatever, it's ok to feed them spicy food, it's ok to wake them even if it's not necessary... well, it might be ok for them and their kids, but you and your partner are on CPS's radar already. you're going to be scrutinized until they feel that you're a fit parent in their eyes. To them, they are protecting your child. So until you can prove that your child has sufficient care and protection from you, they might keep coming back and back and back again.
It's in your best interest to get educated as much as you can, and to parent with common sense, and try to go by the book, so to speak.
I've done plenty of research and reding on parenting before having Marshall. But I'm having trouble discerning what's best for him on certain things one because there's so much contradictory advice between friends and family even from one doctor to another. Also, if I tell the family which I have about the whole waking him up thing that I don't want them to do that, or about not spanking him in the future which I know they will do anyway, what else can I do since I don't have anyone to back me up? My bf's family are so old school. And like I said, his one sister is the only one who agrees with me on the whole not spanking thing. She seems more agreeable and more likely to listen to me when it comes to what to and not to do when it comes to Marshall. Also, my bf wants me to get a job so we can move into a 2-bedroom place next year since our lease wil be up. I have a perspective job in mind, but I can't get it unless I have reliable daycare but I can't get that until I get a job it seems since I can't afford it on the one income only that I get which is SSI. It's that hole what came first, the chicken or the egg? paradox. This job I want to get though is one of those blind factory kind of jobs that start early in the morning and I would have to leave for work at 5 in the morning. So, if I would get this job, then how would we deal with who changes his diaper at night? I would be working 7 days a week while his father would only work 3 days until he tries to juggle another job and school. At that point, we'd both be more or less in a similar situation.
you put. your. foot. down.
you go all mammabear on their arses and tell them that you are his mother, and the only people who have the right to decide over martials future are you and his father.
you present them with your own research and tell them that this is how you want to do it.
you get your own family to back you up.
and on no account do you ever, and I mean, ever, allow anyone who is not directly related to punish your child.
you get assertive.
Unfortunately my family is pro spanking also. As I have mentioned in previous posts I was spanked growing up and it's just wrong.
well then, all my other advice still stands.
It's up to you to get it through to your family that under no circumstances will they spank your kid, unless they'd like to forever lose the privelige of seeing him grow up due to their own stupidity. You are his parent, and it's up to you to stand up to family and give them a piece of your mind. If they do disregard your wishes, then always, always follow through with what you say you're going to do, even if it means severing emotional ties with them. I know it is not an easy thing to do, but for your son's safety, if you feel they are that untrustworthy, let them know your thoughts before you leave him under their care if you absolutely have to do so. i'd even go so far as to write up a contract and make them sign it before even allowing him to stay with them. Get suggestions from Marshal's sister if she has children. ask how she keeps the spankers in the family from laying a hand on her kid, or what she has had to do if they have gone against her wishes as a non-spanking parent.
the post before this one is my definition of going mamma bear on loved ones if it's deserved. lol Completely agree with Loui, the only people to decide Marshal's future are you and his father; anyone in either famly who spanks has to decide whether or not they want to be part of that future ,not just through their words, but through their actions and attitude toward you and your son.
My bf's sister doesn't have kids yet. She doesn't want any till she's at least 25 and she's only 20.
she will be an important ally, anyway.
also, you can point out that actual punishments that stick, such as denial of tv or internet time, time out etc are actually far more effective.
You know what?
My family is old-school too. But they also know who the mother of my son is. I'm their biggest pain in the ass if they do something to contradict my parenting in terms of my son, and I'm not ashamed of it at all. As a mother you have to be strong. You have to work hard. And you have to use good judgment. who cares about what your friends and family says about what you should do with your kid?
If they tell you to dump marshall off at a fire station, or toss him off a bridge since he keeps you awake at night would you do it? I don't think so! Your job is to use your good judgment to discern what is ok and what's not.
And if multiple people, who have proven their good parenting skills, tell you something isn't a good idea, you take that into consideration. You heed their advice.
As for who changes your son's diaper when both you and your BF are working, guess what? you juggle it as best you can then. You do it some nights, and he does it some. If you're both equally tired and you both have to work equally as hard, you both still have to be equally proactive parents. No one chooses your jobs for you, and no one chose for you to have your son.
So if you have to go to bed at eight o'clock at night, then get up at four or earlier to feed your son and then get yourself to work, well, tough shit, lol. it has to be done.
Also, your boyfriend's sister seems like a wise young lady. She has consistently seemed like the person with the good ideas. Smart of her to consciously wait till she's a bit older to have a child of her own. Ironically though, I have a hunch she's probably well-prepared to be a sound stable parent at any time. Tell you what... if that's the girl who is volunteering to help you out from time to time, you take her up on it. She's your biggest ally, and I suspect marshall would be in great hands if she were to take care of him when you need a break or when you're unable to because of work or whatever.
Honestly, that attitude of: I know they'll spank him anyway, or, well they want me to wake him up, so what do I do; that's not an attitude that will do your son any good. As a mother, you are the person to whom people should defer to about how your son is treated, how he is raised, and what should or shouldn't be done to him. If you act like a pushover, you might as well be neglecting your son altogether. You are your baby's advocate. so stand up for him, and stand up for what he needs already. You don't let other people do whatever they feel like doing to your son. Whether they mean well or they don't, it's up to you what happens at this stage in his life. If you don't take that upon yourself, you'll live with that choice for a good long time, and you won't like it.
Yep; it all boils down to the same thing: parenting is no walk in the park. You gotta work damn hard, gotta be very strong, and you need to use your common sense if you have any, or at least have enough sense to find those who do have common sense to guide you along. Your BF's sister should be such a person.
Haha. Bernadetta, I didn't take it personally or anything. I haven't come full circle though.
Best way I can sum it up is to say that I agree with you in the big picture, but perhaps you're a bit more vehement about the small picture than I am. There are probably things you'd see as a terrible idea that I might not be quite so up in arms about. Stuff like that. You might call someone a bad parent over them, I might not.
One thing I will totally concede on, however, is your point about child services, which I hadn't thought about. Like it or not, if you're already at risk of being wrongly judged, then you have to set the bar higher. It sucks, but there's no way around it besides changing the system...and good luck with that. If people are looking, willfully or otherwise, for a single piece of rope to hang you with, then they'll find it, or purport to find it, just about anywhere; don't just hand it to them.
On a similar note, it does make me sad to think of the bitch sessions that go on, the judgments, the recriminations. So okay, spanking is a pretty useless idea, but I was spanked sometimes as a child and I would not say either of my parents were bad at parenting. I was probably woken up or overstimulated sometimes during the day to help me sleep better at night, and I don't appear to have any difficulties with that. I was sometimes left in the car as a toddler for a few minutes (always in the shade, if it was summer) while my mom or dad went in to do something or get something. Some of these things would get you crucified now, and I don't really think that's okay. If there's actual risk to a child, then fine; but if the risk is calculated, very small, and if there is a contingency which will get around the potential harm, then give people at least a touch of slack. I'm not saying you or anyone else here are overjudging, necessarily; I'm just making reference to how so many things today are horrible and awful and evil when twenty or thirty years ago they were commonplace.
Also, on the subject of what should be done re: other people who want to spank or discipline your kid:
So okay. If you aren't there, you literally can't stop them spanking your kid or doing things you don't like. But you do exactly what others have said. Make how you feel well-known; don't give anyone even a sliver of an excuse that they can use. Don't let them claim they didn't know you didn't want something done a certain way. Be assertive; this doesn't mean being rude, it means declaring exactly what you intend to say, and sticking to it.
If something happens that you don't approve of - if, say, Marshall's aunt spanks him while babysitting him - you confront her about it and tell her that she won't be watching him anymore. Don't give too many chances on this, because people will see you as a pushover.
You ask: what can I do?
I say: You tell them what's going to happen - and what's not going to happen, and if your wishes are not followed, you cut the offender off or do whatever it is you said you were going to do if they broke your trust. This is a trust issue, so treat it like one. If you act defeated, indecisive or malleable, then I promise you, they'll invent reasons and, if you aren't careful, you'll find yourself forgiving them. Don't fall into that trap, for Marshall's sake.
Greg, I fell down a stair case once while trying to run down it as a kid. I could have broken my leg or my neck by doing so, but instead I came out of it pretty much unscathed. But would you see me advocate running down a stairs, just because nothing really bad happened to me? Nope.
I'll tell you exactly why people have these so-called bitch sessions about the hot-button issues when it comes to parenting. Because even though maybe some of these things are small risks in many cases, they have turned out badly enough that people want parents to pay attention. Think about it: if you say, ah, well spanking sorta sucks, but you know, it's not such a big deal, even if you think it's a big deal, then who the hell's ever going to think otherwise? who's going to pay attention if you don't advocate for something, if you don't demonstrate how it can be wrong? Who's going to change their ways?
We once thought it was ok to persecute gays; to say hell no to them getting married. Here in the US, greg, one of our presidential candidates ran on the basis of never in hell letting gays marry during his turn or ever. this was in 2004 and he won. That was bush.
Guess what? enough people put their foot down, presented this as an issue, so that others would pay attention and see how wrong it was to deny gays the right to marry. Today, our supreme court passed this right for same-sex marriage into law. if noone advocated for it, if people just kind of looked the other way and stayed blase about it, noone would ever care enough to give it a second thought, to even consider that that might be an issue, let alone change their outlook on it.
let's go back to spanking. or hot cars for instance. You know what? thats' fantastic that you turned out fine even though your parents left you in a car in the shade to run an erand or to. But other kids didnt' turn out ok. Other kids were left for a half an hour in eighty five degree weather and were suffocated from the heat and the lack of fresh air, or they were left dibilitated by a heat stroke. Why be blase about it if you can prevent it from happening in the first place. If we paint it as no big deal, six out of ten times, it might not be, but the other four times it might become something that never should have happened.
Obviously, there are enough people stupid enough or naive enough to leave their kid in a hot car who encountered a sad ending to it, because our media and other parents have made it a point to pay attention. Obviously, we're trying to prevent this sort of thing from continuing to happen, so we're not going to say, to a paren who has no idea one way or another, well, hey, look, it won't kill your kid if you go in to a store for a sec and leave him in the shade. We're not going to say that, because that kid could be one of the four who meets misfortune in that ten-time statistic.
It's fine that you were spanked sometimes and you were ok. but obviously other kids weren't, because something prompted scientists and psychologists to study the effects it has on kids. something obviously triggered the debate over it. So why be blase about it when there is so much strong evidence against it? why not educate in order to change someone's mind instead of being all nicey-nice about it and letting them believe that what they're doing will have absolutely no chance of an impact on their kid?
Someone said it best when they said that anyone can have a kid, but it doesn't make them an expert in parenting, or even a good, fit parent. I'm not an expert greg, but I know some stuff because I took some time to educate myself. So why shouldn't I point a new parent in the right direction, by being blunt and honest about what I've learned? Otherwise, if I'm blase about something, there's a greater chance that anything I have to say will go in one ear and out the other. I mean for the thinngs I say to make someone stop and think. if, after thinking, they still disagree with what I have to say, then great. at least they thought it over though. At least I brought it to their attention.
No one ever did any good for anyone by being blase, greg. I understand that some people are just that way, but noone's ever influenced or educated anyone, or provoked any thought about a subject, by being blase.
also greg, you're not a parent. before I was one, I couldn't care less about what spanking did to anyone, or if a kid should or shouldn't be in a hot car, or if a pregnant mom should consume alcohol or caffeine, or if babies could ever be overstimulated or whatever.. It wasn't on my radar, and even if some of it was, I didn't think it such a big deal. You change your mind, sometimes, once you have kids. Sometimes you probably don't, but most of the time you do. If I remember correctly, you're not even really planning on having children, so you're not necessarily predisposed to being sensative about this sort of thing. and that's totally fine, greg. it really is. but if you have no stake in it, its just a teeny bit silly to go and preach about it to those who do. lol.
Great advice in your last post about standing one's ground though.
Just to clarify something and kind of lay most of your criticism at nines, I'm afraid:
I am not advocating being blasé about these things. Not ever. I am advocating being realistic.
Being realistic means saying that if you leave a kid in a car for a minute oor two, or even five or ten, in the shade, while you run into the grocery store to get some things, it's almost certainly okay.
It also means saying, in absolutely no uncertain terms, that if it's brutally hot out, or if you park in the sun, or if you're gone longer than maybe ten minutes, or you're in a bad neighbourhood, or you can't look out of wherever you are in very short order to take a look at your car (to see if it's still there or some such), then you should definitely not be choosing to leave your kid in your car.
Being realistic is saying that spanking is useless, and it's not going to do your child any favours, and does pose risks.
Being realistic is saying that it's not evil and horrible to keep your kid awake a bit during the day in order to try and help them sleep at night. But it's also making sure parents know that the more you do this, the bigger the issue is likely to become.
In short, realism is perspective, Bernadetta. I'm not blasé, I'm realistic.
You are suggesting, if I understand you correctly here, that the only way to educate parents is to make something look worse than it might actually be, to use blanket statements of serious damnation in order to make something unpalatable. I personally think you can be realistic and firm and get exactly the same result. I also think that being overly damning about certain things sets bad precedents. It can make one look overly judgmental. It can make one appear to be seeing doom in actions which may not have any associated risk. It can make one appear to be preachy, the very thing you're actually halfway accusing me of being.
I'm not offended by you or upset with you over this. We may never see eye to eye. But the one thing I will kindly ask of you is to kkeep my choice not to be a parent out of it. I have known people who have had bad habits and ideals instilled in them at least partially because they were spanked or beaten as kids. I know at least one person who had a child suffer from heatstroke because they were left unattended in a car for too long when it was hot; I'm just glad the child survived with essentially no long-term effects, because it could've gone much much worse.
Let me put this another way.
To try and insinuate that I'm not as sensitive because I'm not a parent and don't plan to be one...well, it rather strongly impunes both my sensitivity and my common sense, which I don't appreciate. One need not be a parent or wishful parent in order to be sensitive, and one need not be a parent or future parent in order to possess common sense. That's like arguing that one is required to have done something in order to be qualified to judge it right or wrong. I haven't been raped, or known well anyone who has, but I know it's wrong; I haven't ever had a guide dog of my own, but I know it's not for me; I haven't been a parent, but that doesn't mean I am not sensitive enough, and consequently doesn't mean that the validity of my arguments should be called into question on any such basis.
If I was trying to say "it's never a big deal, so don't freak out"...then okay, yeah, your criticism would have merit. But I'm not, so it doesn't. I'm saying that you suit your criticism not to the overall ramifications of what could happen in a worst case, but rather to the ramifications of what could happen in -your case.
If your child runs too fast outside and skins his knees, are you going to lecture him about driving too fast and getting into a car accident where he wraps his vehicle around a telephone pole? Likely not, because your child isn't -in a vehicle and isn't likely to die if he runs too fast. You're going to suit your scolding or comforting or reaction in general to the situation. So if I had a child and I left him in my car, for five minutes, in the shade, while I went into a building in a familiar and generally safe neighbourhood, while that child was healthy and happy (maybe even asleep), I do not expect to be judged as if I'm the sort of person who would put my child in a boiling car in the middle of open asphalt for an hour while I did my whole months' grocery shopping. The two are very different; the former holds basically no risks of the latter, so to lambaste me for the latter would be forgetting the context.
That's what I'm speaking out against. People who judge you as if you've done the worst possible extent of a questionable behavior. I'm not okay at all with repeated spanking or people who are negligent or any of that. I don't need to have a kid to know that you don't do that to c child; even if I was more interested in having a child, doing that to mine is out of the question.
Where we differ, I think, is that you might feel particularly unforgiving toward someone who did something with a minimum of risk, or who did a questionable behavior once, while I might be more apt to suit my feelings about the situation to the situation itself. I might think, "Ugh, you don't wake your kid up that way. Let him sleep", but if she did it once, or a total of like five times over the space of a year, I sure as hell wouldn't call her a bad parent. I would say that detting into any sort of habit is dangerous, and I might even say that it's better not to start; I just wouldn't slam the door on someone who did it once. I have the idea that you, on the other hand, would judge that person much more harshly for even one mistake.
This is all well and good. Since you and I aren't raising a baby together, it doesn't matter that we differ. I'm not telling you to change your rays, nor telling you that your way is ludicrous or wrong. It's not quite my way, but the funny part is that on most of the overall points, we agree pretty much completely. I apologize if this came out long-winded, but I wanted to make my stance very clear. The only thing I truly took issue with was that "if you're not a parent it's odd to speak against overzealous parents" thing.
I can actually see social services arguments against blind parents spanking their child right now.
and I have to say, I actually agree with them.
'what if your child sees that you are going to spank them and tries to avoid the blow and you end up hitting them somewhere you shouldn't?'
In Australia it is still legal to spank your child, but only in certain places. You can smack their hand, bottom, backs of legs. nowhere else.
the danger of leaving a child in a car is not just from overheating.
what if someone kidnaps your child while you are not in a position to see?
Loui, I actually agree with you on the spanking thing. I have never tried to say that spanking is good, or that it's okay. It's not. Done here and there it's not good, but maybe not horrible; done repeatedly, it gets worse. The more you do it, the more you're playing with fire, both because of the negative impact it can have on your child and because, as you said, it might lead to unforeseen consequences. Fully in agreement with that.
One or two spankings does not a bad parent make, but it's a slippery slope.
However, I've got to totally disagree with what you're saying about the kidnap risk.
Okay, so yes, it's technically there. But older children can get kidnapped too, and there comes a point where you absolutely must let your child out of your sight. Calculated risk. You do it when you strongly believe that the child will be safe. You might end up paying for it, but in the grand majority of cases, you won't.
If you left your child in a car for five minutes in a good neighbourhood, in broad daylight, in a car with an alarm or locked doors (preferably both, of course), then the likelihood of kidnap is very, very low. Possible, but low.
Guess what? If you leave a kid with a family friend, a babysitter or anyone else, the same is just as possible. You could be gone five minutes, and already your babysitter couldl be hightailing it out of your house with your child to god knows where.
But you think it probably won't happen, right?
You're correct, it probably won't. And if yll the variables fall in favour of your child's safety, being kidnapped in broad daylight out of a locked car likely won't happen either.
Now here's the kicker. Let's say the unthinkable happens, and someone's child gets kidnapped. Can any of you say you'd have the guts and the arrogance to go up to a parent, the one who may have helped facilitate it, and tell them it was their fault? Would you judge them this way in your hearts, even if you wouldn't dare say so? Because guess what? That sounds a hell of a lot like the following:
"I'm really sorry you were raped. That's awful. But maybe you shouldn't have been in that alley wearing that little black dress. You...well, you kinda had it coming."
This shifts blame from where it belongs - with the criminal - and onto a relative innocent. It's deplorable and stupid and senseless. And before you jump on me for bring rape into this, please understand that losing your child would be a pretty awful thing, and I pretty much guarantee you that nothing is going to hurt a parent more than if they believe they had anything whatsoever to do with their child being hurt. For the parents here, I bet you're nodding your heads at this part. Point is, you aren't going to be able to tell a parent that it's their own fault their baby was kidnapped and expect it to matter.
This is all a circuitous way of saying that we all, every one of us, takedcalculated risks.
My stance on the car thing is simple: don't leave your kid in a car, locked or otherwise, unless all the variables are in the child's favour, and even then, only consider it if there is a good reason. Don't just do it on a whim. Even if you do get away with it, and you probably will, there ought to be a bigger reason than "I felt like it" driving you. If there is, and if all things are properly seen to, then I don't think a parent is necessarily making a mistake. Otherwise, just don't do it.
Are there any precautions I should take when Marshall starts rolling from front to back or one sside to the other? Like how do I keep him from getting his arm stuck under him when this happens?
A baby's bones and muscles are very flexible. And they aren't as fragile as you might think. If he gets his arm stuck underneath himself, he'll pull it out just as you would. But again, just use common sense. Be vigilant, as you should be under any circumstance at this stage in his life. if you touch him and you feel like he's in trouble physically, then yes, straighten him out. But otherwise, let him explore. Just be very active tactually with him while he does explore. Have your hands near him at all times when he's doing something new and exploring, and touch him to see what he's doing frequently enough so that you know what's going on.
Hey I did look up that facebook group blind parent alliance mentioned here by one of the posters but it was a closed group. I sent request to join like two days ago and whoever started this group hasn't accepted my request for whatever reason.
have you tried looking up the admins and sending a message to one of them?
When will Marshall be able to tell the difference between night and day? His father thinks if we leave a light on during the day and early evening that Marshall will know when it's night versus day.
Ok, clearly others aren't going to say it, so I will. Your boyfriend is dumb, stop
listening to him. Babies will sleep when they need to, for as long as they need
to. For the first bit of life that baby will be nothing but a machine which sleeps
and produces poop. That's it. He's not going to tell the difference between night
and day, because he's not going to care about the difference between night and
day. He cares about pooping, eating and sleeping, sometimes all at the same
time. He's going to be sleeping part of the day away until he's well into his
school years. Even kindergardeners need to take naps. Naps are good for
children. So please, for the love of all that is holy in this world, stop trying to
force your kid to stay awake. stop trying to adjust his habits. Stop trying to
force some rhythm on him that he isn't even old enough to follow yet. Just stop
it. Stop it right now. seriously, go away from the computer and stop it. Tell your
boyfriend to stop it. Tell his mother to stop it. Tattoo it on his frickin' forehead if
you have to, just stop it. Let him sleep as much as he needs to, feed him as
much as he needs to, change his diaper when he needs it, and make yourself
some coffee, cuz you're probably gonna be staying up late. Now, go put your
baby down for a nap, he probably needs it.
Coffee's not particularly good for breastfeeding moms, cody. I get that you're trying to make a very blunt point, but let's not get carried away. lol. Some people, particularly this poster I suspect, take things very literally.
Quite honestly though, in this case, your partner is partially right. The baby will begin to tell the difference between night and day due to light and lack their of. It's actually possible and feasible. Just not yet. Meanwhile, if you go a few posts back, you'll see that I recommended opening your drapes and or windows to let sunlight in. That is a natural source of light and is perfect for introduction to the difference between night and day. But it won't catch on for a few months yet.
I'm sorry, but, why do you give a fuck what his family are saying.
Yes, I understand you are under pressure from them, but he is your baby, not theirs. Actually grow a pair and be a mother instead of doing what everyone else says...look, your even coming here so that people can tell you what to do.
And maybe people will hate me for this post, but you don't get a free pass to be a shitty parent just because you are blind, far from it. So you'd better figure things out soon to be honest.
And I'm sorry if you are so selfish that all you care about is yourself maybe you shouldn't have anymore kids...because you've already had one and it's too late to change that now.
Some people adjust to the role of new parent better than others. It doesn't hurt to ask for help once in a while. Hell, sighted people do it and have to cope with many different opinions, (asked-for or not), from family and friends, not just us. To the original poster, you say you did a lot of reading before you had him, and took the parenting courses through hadley. Bearing all the information in mind, (at least the bits that pertain to how you feel about different aspects of parenting like spanking), it is good to shape your parenting philosophy and put it into practice now. as others have said, get your partner involved and look up information together. If you find things that sit well with how you feel about this, that or the other, read that kind of research; find whatever suits your needs and tell your family. If they can't respect your views on how you raise your son, that is their problem. If this indecisive, I-don't-know-what-to-do mentality when it comes to dealing with family persists as Marshal gets older, you're going to run into a whole lot of stress, not just for you and your BF, but for Marshal too. Mixed messages can be incredibly confusing and frustrating, especially for a small, impressionable child who is supposed to be learning first and foremost from his parents what is and is not acceptable behavior. Others have said this before, and i'll say it again, PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN WITH FAMILY SOONER RATHER THAN LATER.
Agree with the post about using natural sunlight to help baby start to understand the difference between night and day. Just please, for the love of mercy, understand that his needs come first, day or night, and as we keep telling you, the child won't have the night and day thing straight until quite some time later. My advice, (again, unasked-for, but you seem to broach the subject of trying to modify your kid's sleep pattern to suit your schedule when he's just not ready for it), get used to his sleep being the way it is; he'll get the night versus day thing eventually. If he's not waking up to eat, or if he seems lethargic, then of course there would be cause for concern, but if not, then for the love of all things holy, let him sleep.
correction, if he is waking up to eat and does not seem at all lethargic or otherwise unhealthy, let him sleep. If there's anything unusual that doesn't see quite right, like sleeping to the point where he's not waking up to eat, alert his pediatrician.
The amount of growth a baby goes through in the first months is staggering! They really do need their sleep. This is why one may go to work in the morning after having gotten baby up, washed and fed, and come home to what seems like a newer, bigger, baby that is either more alert or can do something they couldn't that morning. It's not just length -- the bones are hardening and the organs are developing.
Humans are very altricial when born. For those educated in Creationist schools, you could say altricial means "soft-boiled" or "not done yet".
They're still pretty fetal when they're born. Mostly curled up, can't regulate their own temperatures that well, and yes, perform only the four basic pillars of survival: eat, sleep, pee and poop.
That and cry. Because all their energy is taken up trying to grow, absorb their new surroundings, even learn to breathe properly! That last one does a lot of new parents in when the newborn stops and starts breathing, but this is all part of normal development. And it takes a hell of a lot of energy just to do those things.
The amount of growth a baby goes through in the first months is staggering! They really do need their sleep. This is why one may go to work in the morning after having gotten baby up, washed and fed, and come home to what seems like a newer, bigger, baby that is either more alert or can do something they couldn't that morning. It's not just length -- the bones are hardening and the organs are developing.
Humans are very altricial when born. For those educated in Creationist schools, you could say altricial means "soft-boiled" or "not done yet".
They're still pretty fetal when they're born. Mostly curled up, can't regulate their own temperatures that well, and yes, perform only the four basic pillars of survival: eat, sleep, pee and poop.
That and cry. Because all their energy is taken up trying to grow, absorb their new surroundings, even learn to breathe properly! That last one does a lot of new parents in when the newborn stops and starts breathing, but this is all part of normal development. And it takes a hell of a lot of energy just to do those things.
Sorry for the double post must have hit submit twice by accident.
what Cody got 100% right is that your partner seems to be woefully ignorant on what it takes to be a parent. seriously, let him come on here himself and soak in some of the great advice parents are giving you.
Did he take cources with you? has he bothered to do some research himself? has he metaphorically picked up a book and read the first page?
if not, you have every right to call him out on his ignorance.
like I have already stated, the road you are both heading down is seriously going to be an advertisement for all the social workers as to why 'blindies' shouldn't have kids.
Just tell them what your partner thinks about wanting to keep your child awake during the day for his convenience and watch them take him away quick-smart.
seriously, if you can't get him to do some research of his own, at least force him to sit down and read what other blind parents are trying to get through to you, for Martial's sake.
and you know what? we leave lights on too during the evening, because Matilda likes being where we are, and she will still sleep right through us talking, making dinner etc. She has her own agenda and so does yours.
I asked about the night and day thing because my bf thinks that keeping a light on during the hours that Marshall is awake will introduce him to the concept of night and day. We aren't purposely keeping him awake anymore and I did go to my first appointment with Marshall and his father last week and the pediatrician agreed that he should sleep when he needs it. Why then when I was more new to being a mother earlier did my nurse for newborns tell me that it's ok to wake him up and try to keep him awake forcefully during the day? She had also told me that it was ok to let him quote unquote cry it out when he was 2 months and younger. I guess the nurse for newborns must be pretty dumb also. But I wasn't ever the person letting him fuss it out or wake him up when he was sleeping, I only asked about it cause everyone else I'd dealt with thought it was just fine and apparently it worked for them with their kids. I'm talking mainly of my bf's mother and a few other idiots I've known who I've asked for advice.
Do some research on the term 'cry it out." Completely unnecessary, and that
phrase just makes me cringe. at this age, babies are crying because they need
something, and yes, that nurse who said let him cry it out clearly got her license
from a paper bag.
The reason there are other people who are saying it's okay is because it's something that might not blow up in your face. You might do it once, or four times, or twenty times, and have absolutely no issue. Most of these people who are telling you it's fine probably dodged bullets and think it's the norm. They probably also know people who have dodged bullets and think it's the norm. My own family is a bit touch-and-go on this, which I got to see firsthand about two weeks ago. I'm referring, in particular, to waking a baby a little during the day to try and get them to sleep a little better at night. The baby in question was about seven weeks old.
And the reason we're insisting it shouldn't be done is largely what Loui has pointed out regarding child services. They will not need a large excuse to give you grief, so even if technically you might be okay doing certain things, might not hurt your baby much if you do them, the risk is simply not worth taking on the off chance someone with the authority to make your life difficult sees it and really hammers you for it.
What I know of developmental psychology - and I'm taking a course on it - suggests that you don't necessarily have to drop everything and attend to baby when baby begins to cry, particularly after a couple of months. It depends why baby is crying and what, if anything, you can do about it. However, "crying it out" is foolish; it doesn't work at that age, as we've said many times before.
what your nurse may have meant, unless she was completeley idiotic, was, that if you try everything for your child, comforting, feding, changing, more comforting, play, singing, and comforting yet again, it's ok to put your child down and let them scream and cry for a bit if you yourself are at your whits end. It's alright to put them down in their cot for a little while, go into another room and take some deep breaths while your child continues to cry.
This is because mothers who cannot stop their child crying experience a good deal of anxiety which the infant can actually sense, which means they will continue to cry because you are no longer the source of comfort and safety.
It can also lead to some parents shaking their child.
Crying it out however is a big mistake. Effectively you are taking away the infant's source of comfort, ie yourself.
look up secure attachment.
Sounds like your nurse was not being the professional healthcare provider she was paid to be.
Loui is correct in that if you need to calm down as a parent, due to your baby's excessive crying, you should definitely put him down for a couple of minutes, not long mind you, and go to another area of your home to gather your wits so that you can be fully in control for your upset baby again.
It looks like your nurse actually meant that you should let your baby "cry it out" as in: let him cry to self-soothe. I say this because that is what people usually mean when they say "cry it out." That has long ago been refuted as a stupid thing to do because the baby only gets stressed even more.
As for waking the baby, just look at leo-guardian's post. That's all you need to see to determine that anyone who gives you that advice is pretty ignorant in terms of infant development. As we said before, plenty of people have kids, but not enough of them bother to actually learn about kids and figure they should just wing it, because what harm could it do?
Follow your instincts as a mother. If something seems inhumane, or if something that someone suggests is making your baby uncomfortable or you, as a mother, uncomfortable, you have a right to question it and go against it.
I agree with putting baby down when you yourself are feeling anxious or frustrated.
Ok here's another question. I know that babies have been sucking their thumbs since inside the womb. Why then doesn't Marshall always think to put his thumb back in his mouth when he's upset or if a pacifier isn't always available? I know he has the ability to put his thumb in his mouth any other time he needs like when he's sleeping or whenever else he does it. I mean isn't thumb sucking supposed to be comforting? naturally he should do it if he's scared or upset but for some reason he doesn't always.
Some babies do, some don't. Apparently I never did, but my brother did...and actually, with him, it was a habit he kept more or less until he was five or six. I wouldn't worry too much about it.
I'm not exactly worried about it, I just wanted to understand why he doesn't always suck his thumb for comfort when he feels he needs to.
My son never sucked his thumb. Yes, babies instinctually do that in the womb, but that's not always a given either. You should consider it lucky that he doesn't tend to suck on his thumb, because that's a habit which is very hard for kids to break. Don't push him to get into that habit if he's not already going for it. Also, a pacifier tastes and feels way different than a thumb to a baby. One can't really replace the other. It's a matter of preference. Just because something is textbook instinctual doesn't mean you can count on your baby to revert to it now Remember that your baby is an individual, and each individual person, while having many things in common developmentally with others, is unique in endless ways.
be happy he doesn't. thumb sucking is a lot worse for baby's teeth than a passifyer
the reason he doesn't is because there are other sorts of comfort he is seeking. predominatly you.
Instead of giving him a passifyer every time, instead try cuddling him.
also, you should really have skin on skin time with your baby when cuddling. let him rest his head on your chest with no shirt on. this will really calm him down.
another great soother is swaddling. but you should get another mum or midwife to go through that with you physically, because it can be done badly.
yay babywearing! Yeah, I had dental problems I can attribute to thumbb-sucking as an infant and toddler. Braces were what my parents ultimately went with, but for the longest time, we kept seeing dentists who said I would need corrective jaw surgery to fix the problems I was having with an overbite. I even had a tooth that came in sideways after the baby tooth was gone. so yeah, thunb-sucking is not a wise thing to encourage an infant to do.
you should even make sure your infant isn't using the passifyer all too often if you are using one. Matilda only gets hers at night when we are all laying down, or in the car to keep her occupied if she is suddenly hungry, since I can't feed in the car.
we will probably take her to give her passifyers to the kittens at the scansen petting zoo. they make toys out of them for the new kittens to play with so parents can transition their kids into not using one.
probably do this when she is about 2.
kittens at petting zoos can use pacifiers meant for human infants? Interesting ...
Loui!! That's so neat about the petting zoo pacifier thing!! That's it!! i know I just baught a house, but I'm moving to sweden!! lol.
they use the old ones as toys. they put them on strings and stuff.
hey, cool. *smile*
How do I go about putting him on my chest for skin-to-skin contact without letdown happening? I mean it's kind of hard for him to get comfortable on there and the letdown thing is uncomfortable for me in the moments when he's not eating. I tried laying him on his tummy and his back while on my chest but since he squirms a lot, both positions trigger letdown.
I do 2 things.
firstly I sit up myself against the back of the couch and just lay Matilda's head against my chest after she has been fed and is generally a bit sleepy and just let her relax there and go to sleep. I might sit and read a book while doing so or just relax with her.
or else, I just deal with the let down. basically the way I see it is that my discomfort and pleasure really do come secondary to her own needs.
but try to do skin on skin when he isn't needing food, or changing or anything else.
skin-to-skin contact is also good for dads too when and if mom needs a bit of time to herself. It gives dad time to bond with the baby too.
Hey guys, once in awhile I go through a stage where I get feelings of being sick and tired of taking care of Marshall and that I need a break here or there for a day or so. I don't want to send him anywhere cause people will eventually get tired of us asking to babysit and one of these people is my bf's cousin. She and I don't really get along and she's a real bitch. Anyway she's the closest relative but I don't want to send him there often since I don't like her and she just makes shit more complicated than it really is. Please try not to judge me for this. Don't get the idea that I don't want Marshall. I love him dearly, but this is one of those times I want to break down emotionally and I get worn out. It doesn't happen often. How can I deal with these feelings so they don't ever get out of control? I can't afford daycare until I have a job and I'm not really having any luck in that. I try so hard to keep it together but I've been holding in my frustration for about a week now since I haven't been able to sleep well. Apparently my bf can deal with this exhaustion better than I can cause he feels exhausted also since he works and all. I know I don't work but I'm entitled to feel this way sometimes, right?
I hate myself for these feelings I've been having.
I'm sorry I didn't integrate these posts together but anyway, I wish I could get Marshall to sleep longer at night without waking up so often. Ive just reviewed some information on parenting from one of the Hadley courses and they said that parents should try to keep babies more awake during the day and apparently by three months, a baby is supposed to be able to sleep 7 to 8 hours at a stretch without waking, yeah right! They also said that it's ok to let a baby at Marshall's age to fuss it oult after all his needs have been met. The Parenting Infancy course also said to give him a big feeding before bedtime to encourage sleeping without waking often at night. It also stated to keep him more active until 10-11 before he goes to bed for the night. I hate how there's so much contradictory advice out there.
Trisha,
Feeling fed up and emotionally wrung out happens. But you're stuck with it. Try and unwind when Marshall is sleeping or when your BF is home and can take care of him. Beyond that, I don't know what else to tell you and personally don't have a huge ton of sympathy. I don't judge you, but I think the only advice is "deal with it" here.
Feelings are just feelings. We all experienced that. Feelings are not wrong. But humans and other primates can suprass those feelings and take care of the young. This is not a gendered issue, fathers have these too, even to the point of having some chemical reactions that can be best understood as postpardem although that usually happens to dads a few months after baby is born.
And yes, skin on skin contact is good with dads also. Normal human activities like bouncing the baby, etc., actually helps the baby with their inner ear development.
I'm sure to be unpopular in this new era of social justice furries, but it seems there are unique roles for dads, since we didn't have the physical situation of breastfeeding or giving birth or recovering from all that. I don't mean tradcon stuff, I'm not really a role-centric kinda guy personally. But I only read later that guys tend to do things like bounce the baby more, etc., stuff I used to do that sometimes annoyed and upset the mommy on account of Her being afraid for the baby. But the baby actually benefits in their inner ear.
Also, I used to tuck mnine inside my jacket like a puppy with her head sticking out the top and keep her next to me like that. It helps if you have a baby who can cling like a proper primate though.
Parenting is exhausting, though. So tell all yoyur freidns who are currently childless all about it so they understand. Hearing it from you is good for them.
As to making too much milk? Yeah it always looked to me like it was hurting Her when there was too much in there. I'd say express into a bottle if you can handle a pump. Those things always looked to me like they take courage to use, but give it a try. Then dad can warm up the bottles of milk and feed the baby. I did it and told the La Leche people to go fuck themselves in the corner when they tried to tell me about nipple confusion. Baby needs to eat, mom needs to rest, please all ideologues go die in a fire and thank you for ashes afterwards.
When I say dad, I'm sure that Lesbians and gays probably work that situation out, as the one who didn't bear the offspring the other one's likely to do some of these things I'm talking about here. As evidenced by this Lesbian I talked to a year and a half ago, who's partner was going to have a baby. She had all the positive intentions and nervous anxiety any new father would have, and sure, I don't know what exact words to say it, but I was in that situation the older dad encouraging the younger dad sort of like what was done for us when I was younger. So I'm saying "dad" because it's easier, and the social justice furries tend to make enormously long words for things that look like something from one of those German piano books from my childhood.
So what I have said here applies if you're the dad in the relationship, the one who didn't give the birth to the baby. It's a lot easier for you to cook, pick up after mom and baby, change diapers, stuff like that than it is for the mom who is breastfeeding. Especially the early days. It's brutal no matter who you are. I was working a ton of odd shifts in those days being a pianist and doing wine tastings, outdoor events, even shopping malls. You make it fit where you can.
And yes, sometimes you feel totally sick of it and it does help to have a good support system. Some couples, not us unfortunately, have a good system where they have a babysitter once a month or something. But it's possible to do it without. Most humans in aan industrial society are doing it. Part of the reason for the feelings is we're not evolutionarily wired for this nuclear family structure dreamed up by the industrial revolution, where it's a set of neat little boxes to generate tax revenue, worker bees and soldiers. The extended family and even polyamorous situations known to pre-industrialized societies actually do a lot to help both parents. But this is where you're at. Technically, you're not evolved to live where you live either, but you make it work by wearing clothes and living inside a house. We're adaptable, we make do.
I am really trying my best to deal with it. Most of the time I have a lot of tolerance and patience when it comes to Marshall but there are those days like today that I just cry and can't hold it in. Most of the time I feel I hae more patience than the father.
Trisha, I am just going to come right out and say this, because I want you to get the help that you need.
I don't know you, so I can't be a hundred percent sure, but from a few of your posts in this thread I have had cause to wonder if you are suffering from post natal depression.
I am bringing this up, because it sounds like the people around you will not give you the support and understanding you need. this is a very real issue for many women, and if you don't deal with it, it could effect your ability to parent well for Martial, and it will make your life a living hell for years to come.
You should talk to your doctor, because there really should be some help out there for you. Please do some research about this topic and some serious thinking if this could be you. You aren't alone.
It sounds like the Hadley college haven't updated their parenting skills cource for decades. maybe try some material not from that college and actually do some more modern research not for the blind and just for parents in general. start with the research already given in this thread and go from there.
I'm taking the parenting: Infancy course ... they don't really focus on specific parenting practices, just give general guidelines. the book does mention something called bunting bags, however that's spelled, and ... yeah, sounds like they need to update their course material, or at least get a new edition of the book on which the course is based.
How can I tell if I even have postpartum depression? Because like I told a friend, I don't think I feel depressed, I mean I still have an interest in doing things outside the house, hang with friends, and I find time to laugh and enjoy myself. I've just been feeling tired and annoyed but as I said, it doesn't happen often. I just wish I could get a temporary break at least for a day but there aren't many people close to us to babysit him.
The only way to truly know if you're dealing with postpardom depression is to speak with your primary care physician about the issue.
I'll be honest. I know post-pardum depression is a real and debilitating issue. Many women do display signs of it and many truly do get better after getting on compatible antidepressants.
But that said, not every new mommy who has negative feelings is dealing with post-pardum depression. I say this because post-pardum depression is heavily publicized these days; we've discovered that scientifically this is a "thing," and we want all the new mommies to be on the look out for it.
Trouble is, some may not be depressed at all, just ill-prepared for motherhood and the toll it takes on us mentally and physically.
I've agreed with all that Loui has said thus far, but Loui, I honestly haven't thought of post-pardum at any point since the origination of this board. I struggled with post-pardum for a year and a half, so I'm familiar with what it could entail.
What I see here is a frustrated mother who struggles with the fact that her kid doesn't sleep enough when she would ideally need him to.
When I was dealing with post-pardum, I couldn't tell you why I was sad, why I was escaping from my life and trying to exist within some sort of alternative reality in the form of books or TV series whenever I was able to. I took my parental responsibilities in stride; I did what needed to get done, and I didnt' especially feel bad or negatively toard the baby, aside from the frequent thoughts that maybe he deserved a better mother than I could ever be.
Post-pardum depression is a result of a hormonal imbalance, and it's true that it can manifest itself in a variety of ways.
Some may feel chronically low self-worth, a total loss of energy, while others might feel like they really don't want the baby, like the baby is bad in some sort of way, etc. etc. etc. Some people even experience a kind of psychosis where strange inner voices are dictating they kill or harm the baby, though those are very extreme cases.
My point is, Trisha shows more signs of being an overwhelmed new mother who isn't exactly adjusting to the demands of motherhood in a smooth way, which is totally understandable to a degree. Though post-pardum depression may be a factor, it's still less likely, from what we've learned here and through other posts to which Trisha has contributed to, than the latter scenario.
Yes, maybe she should go and talk to her doctor about the possibility of post-pardum depression, but getting on anti-depressants won't really fix her ability to cope with her new role as a mother if her concerns and frustrations stem from a rough adjustment rather than from a hormonal imbalance. And antidepressants are a slippery slope besides.
It's just another perspective.
People nowadays see a struggling new mother and they rush to sound the PPD alarm, when maybe she's just frustrated that there is no full night's worth of sleep, and being a parent is way more demanding than she anticipated.
Honestly trisha, we've touched upon this point already: parenting is a 24 7 duty. We've all been frustrated about our baby's lack of sleep, about not getting a break; there's a reason why everyone says that parenting is hard. Many reasons, in fact. So don't be too surprised that most people won't really be sympathetic when you try to engage them in a day of babysitting just so yu can get a day of freedom and a break. Sorry; even those who do deal with post-pardum have to realize that, unless they have a willing and eager granma or aunty or uncle for whom babysitting the child is a joy, not a chore.
If you feel overwhelmed, I'd say maybe find a support group for mother's in your area.
There's this organization called mother's and more, it's nationwide and it has chapters everywhere. It's a thing where you get to meet moms with kids your child's age, and they organize meetings that include the kids sometimes, but mostly they're exclusively for the mothers. If you were to join such a group, I bet it would be ok for your baby's father to watch marshall a few hours on his own every week or two so that you can go out on your own with those other mothers, unwind, learn some new coping strategies possibly, and most importantly, get some real, live, present support. And maybe make some good friends in the process.
Otherwise, yeah, if you feel like your mood swings are often unpredictable, if you feel generally crappy about yourself most of the time, or if you have alarming thoughts about what you might want to do to your baby, etc. then yeah, visit your doc and talk about post-pardum depression.
But that won't make the weight of your responsibility go away. As a mother, you rarely get a break. If you do, you're damn lucky. And that's something you need to realize with or without post-pardum.
That's all.
wow, they serously just pass off PPD with anti-depressants in your country?
I was more thinking of that line of discussion so she could get help from a psychologist, someone to talk to or mother's support groups, like they do here.
A support group for first time mums in your area would really be ideal for you, because you will meet a lot of people in the same situation as you.
Postpardem depression is a thing, but there are an awful lot of other explanations for human suffering by the mother. Some of it's fphysical like the discomfort and pain associated with milk / let-down issues. The problem when stuff gets popular, is other things get overlooked.
So maybe hers is PPD maybe not, but the suffering is real, the suffering is a thing. And the suffering should be investigated as it is, popular reasoning aside. Having been through that 20 years ago when it was radically apparent the Wife was suffering *physically* and I'll admit to having gone animal in Her defense to see that She got what She needed, not just postpardem as the default answer.
The mother does need a shield and covering fire during that time. What I never knew then was the toll it takes on the father, something still impolite to talk about but nonetheless it's a thing also, but even with the after-effects I had, I have no regrets for the way I stuck up for Her. The OP needs someone in Her community to do likewise because she may or may not be able to.
Judging solely on what's been written here, I think the possibility that isn't
being investigated here is that she's the only one who seems to be doing the
work for her baby. She's the one getting up and rocking him when he cries.
She's the one feeding him. She's the one changing him. She's the one who
takes care of the baby. But she isn't the only one who made the baby. If she's
so exhausted, which I completely accept that she is, her boyfriend should step
in and say, "Hey, sweetie, you go sit down, I'll get it this time."
Sure, he works, and that's a valid reason for when he's at work. But when you
get home, the man who produced the sperm is just as responsible as the
woman who carried the baby. If you get home and your partner is exhausted, I
don't care what your job is, get in there and rock that baby. Let the girl have a
cup of tea and catch some sleep or something. Will you be tired the next day,
probably so, but you can fix that with a cup of coffee. she can't.
Just my four cents.
All depends on the balance of how much this guy works in a given week, but in general I agree with you, Cody. Just because you work doesn't give you a free pass. While I wouldn't say it's completely equal the moment you get in the door, you definitely have a responsibility to do at least something. Hell. Most people don't work so much that they wake up, go out to work, come home, wolf a meal and sleep, then wake and do it all again. As such, they have the time to at the very least take care of the baby in short shifts. It's a demanding job, but if you're doing it by turns you're lightening the load for someone else, and when they relieve you, they're doing the same for you. It's not like he's coming home and being expected to lug ninety-pound rocks till his shoulders are trembling and he's covered in sweat; he's being asked to come home and help take care of a baby.
Which is all to say, Trisha, that if Marshall's father isn't chipping in a lot, you should ask him to do it some more. Yes, he works, and yes, there may be times where it might be better to, say, let him sleep if he's passed out and obviously tired. But if he's helping little or not at all, it's time for him to step up, at least a bit.
Agreed about PPD though. It shouldn't be the immediate go-to, though it is a possibility.
Marshall's father works only 3 days a week and only about 5 hours per day. I most likely don't have postpartum since through all my last checkups in April after having Marshall I didn't score high enough in that questionnaire thing. I mean I still have an interest in doing things outside the house, I like hanging with friends, I find time to laugh and have fun, etc. It will just probably take me a little more time to get used to having a baby. I just need time. My body just isn't used to an off-balance sleep schedule since I really didn't work much bfore I had my son.
So before a kid, I didn't go to college so I had a lot of time to sleep as much as I wanted. Believe me, I tried so hard to find a job and I'm back to it again and it's just so hard with this crappy economy. I've only ever had one real job and that was nearly three years ago and it was only a temp job unfortunately.
your body started training itself for this sort of thing during pregnancy. the majority of pregnant women will find that after the first trimester, they are unable to sleep through the night. That's the start of the adjusting for you to have a baby and meet his needs.
Let me tell you what me and my husband do.
While he is at home, he will take the baby for 4 hours or so so that I can get my head down uninterrupted. In the afternoon, I do the same for him. then we go to bed together later on in the day for another 4-6 hours, most of which I don't sleep, because I am the more awake of the 2 of us due to the fact that is just how my body is right now.
And if that means our sleep cycle is interrupted, that's just how it is. Matilda is a newborn, and nothing she does, she can help, so we are on her timetable, and you guys need to be on martials. you need to be forceful with your bf in telling him this, and like I said, invite him to look at this board and respond himself if he thinks otherwise.
On the days that your bf works, you should take night shift the night before. that's logical. even if he only works 5 hours, he needs to be rested so that he can function. My partner can't function for 3 hours if the baby keeps him awake most of the night.
You could also consider bottle training him so that he is happy with both breast and bottle, so that your bf can take over the whole night for you sometimes and you can sleep uninterrupted.
your only other option for sleep, as I have said before, is to sleep when martial does, even if it means you're up part of the night, that's ok.
your body started training itself for this sort of thing during pregnancy. the majority of pregnant women will find that after the first trimester, they are unable to sleep through the night. That's the start of the adjusting for you to have a baby and meet his needs.
Let me tell you what me and my husband do.
While he is at home, he will take the baby for 4 hours or so so that I can get my head down uninterrupted. In the afternoon, I do the same for him. then we go to bed together later on in the day for another 4-6 hours, most of which I don't sleep, because I am the more awake of the 2 of us due to the fact that is just how my body is right now.
And if that means our sleep cycle is interrupted, that's just how it is. Matilda is a newborn, and nothing she does, she can help, so we are on her timetable, and you guys need to be on martials. you need to be forceful with your bf in telling him this, and like I said, invite him to look at this board and respond himself if he thinks otherwise.
On the days that your bf works, you should take night shift the night before. that's logical. even if he only works 5 hours, he needs to be rested so that he can function. My partner can't function for 3 hours if the baby keeps him awake most of the night.
You could also consider bottle training him so that he is happy with both breast and bottle, so that your bf can take over the whole night for you sometimes and you can sleep uninterrupted.
your only other option for sleep, as I have said before, is to sleep when martial does, even if it means you're up part of the night, that's ok.
Actually Cody you're right but I've mentioned over and over on this topic the roles of fathers in this situation, and how we're not encumbered with certain constraints which allow us to do a lot of the tasks a mother perhaps can't or shouldn't, especially if she's feeding the baby.
Trisha I don't know what to tell you, it's his responsibility to help you and he's not on here. I admit I took all that for granted as that's what I did, and every other father did who was in my own personal sphere, men of all walks of life, from hunter / fisher / trapper guy to artist. It works.
But what Loui is saying about sleep is correct, you both have to be okay with sleping at weird times. I know, the sun's up and baby's asleep and you are thinking now's the time to get something done. Consider sleeping "getting something done".
Cody, some of us are at a loss to properly convince the guy to help, because we don't actually know what it's even like to be the guy wh doesn't. I mean culturally, even. Guys who didn't were cultural periahs out here, and I don't think I knew any. A side effect, if you will, for paternal involvement being such a cultural norm for so many decades. So much so that I doubt even you with more of a communications background could properly relate to such a fellow. You and I are in one universe, and he's apparently in another.
Now 3 days on? That's 4 days off, it just seems so reflexive to me I guess, you just split the off time or even do some things together. But this isn't Trisha's fault, and I'm not even sure it's possible for one human to "*get*" another to behave normally like this.
How can I tell if Marshall will have or already has colic for real? I mean for a couple days he has been kind of cranky, but not always around the same time each day. Like tonight I fed him at 8:pm central time, changed his diaper, played with him and everything and he just kept crying no matter what. I just put him in his swing though and he seems relatively calm and finally stopped crying for now. The crying had started when he woke up before that feeding but he was hungry then. Also, some of those cranky periods he's started being able to cry but calm himself down after 5-10 minutes without any inter ention from his parents. So I don't think it's colic but I just want to make sure.
A couple days? That's normal baby stuff, but colic you would absolutely have known from early on and it is nonstop.
I would really advise against leaving your infant for 10 minutes and expecting him to cry it out. there ar already fantastic resources posted by others on this thread to do with self soothing.
Self soothing does not lead to a securely attached baby. Sometimes Matilda grizzles and pretty much nothing I do will calm her down, so I just cuddle her in bed, or lay next to her holding hands, and it is pretty obvious that she wants that contact, even if she is crying still, because she holds on to me for dear life.
babies can stil have stomach pain even if they don't have colic, so it's important to remember that your baby never cries for no reason at his age, so it's important to show him that you are there for him and support him.
He seems to be able to start self soothing I think because he'll cry a few minutes, then suck his thumb or quiet down for a few minutes. I mean he does this after his needs are met and he won't always want the pacifier. Is this his way of tricking us or is he really starting to get the concept of self soothing? At what age does he start manipulating? My bf thinks he's already starting to do that. He calls it quote unquote testing the waters, that's what he thinks Marshall is doing sometimes.
20 years ago (yes I know that's ancient history to some of you) they said 9 months to a year before they start any sort of testing or response like that.
Then I guess maybe some babies are different? I mean he seems to have his own temperament. It seems like some of these things are guidelines I suppose.
I'll be blunt here, again. Honestly, the two of you need to get a grip and stop assuming that your baby is manipulating you. lol. I mean, we're all trying to help you here, but honestly, this last post is just laughable. Testing the waters... How old is marshall again? Three months old? Not yet? Come on now.
All he wants is human contact. When he cries, obviously, his needs aren't met yet. Maybe the tangible needs like feeding, changing, etc. yes, but how in the world might you know when his needs are and aren't met yet? lol. If he's crying and he's just a few months old, it should be a clue that, hey, he needs something. Yes, I just changed him, I just fed him, but maybe he needs a cuddle or to be held.
You're defying common sense here, you and your boyfriend both, and honestly, I hate to be harsh but it's kind of alarming. Don't you feel like you're going against your motherly instincts when you let your three month old baby cry himself back to a calmer state for ten minutes? I'm not judging, just curious... and just a tiny bit alarmed, as I said.
Then apparently everyone I talk to must be idiots; that is teachers, friends, family, nurses for newborns etc. His family and my family think similarily on the whole thing about how he can soothe himself right now. Most of the time if either Marshall's father or I are either too busy or tired, I put him in his swing since he seems to like the motion of that. I know that is one thing that seems to never fail for the most part.
Okay, let's clarify something:
He may be -capable of soothing himself down at this age, at least some of the time. This is particularly true if his reason for crying is that he wants a cuddle or something. If he doesn't get it, eventually he gives up because he realizes that either 1. he's too tired or 2. he gets distracted.
What Marshall is decidedly -not doing is playing you, manipulating you or thinking something like "Well, that didn't work. I guess I'd better give up". At three or four months old, Marshall literally does not have the brainpower for this.
So is it possible for a rather young baby to soothe himself if he doesn't get the comfort he needs? Yes, sometimes it is.
Does that mean he should be doing that? Hell no.
And I'll second Bernadetta here. This bullshit about "testing the waters" and all has to stop. As stated before, Marshall's brain is not developed enough for this. Marshall is not a test case. Marshall is not a rare one in x million baby who has the mental capacity to manipulate you. He can't do it, isn't doing it and shouldn't be treated like he's doing it. End of story.
If you can't meet Marshall's needs the second he starts to cry, then okay. If you don't fall all over yourself trying everything under the sun every time he so much as whimpers, then okay. Fine. I can see that. But don't even entertain the tiniest of thoughts about how Marshall is testing the water or manipulating you, and for pity's sake dispense with the "he'll cry it out" mentality. He might, it's true, but it makes me wonder the same thing Bernadetta's wondering here. If he's so clearly not trying to manipulate you, then what possible reason could you have for not at least trying to get him to stop crying? Why would you deliberately sabotage your budding relationship with your son, and perhaps establish bad precedents you may never entirely break? Is it because you "can't handle it"? If so, shame on you, because that's selfish and shortsighted.
During a baby's first six months or so, it's working very hard, and unconsciously I assure you, to establish rapport with you (well, with both parents since Marshall's father is in the picture). The brain builds patterns at an early age. If a lot of crying happens and Marshall isn't tended to, he may eventually get to a point where he doesn't trust you like he should, or doesn't think crying will do him any good. This will come later, of course, since right now it's quite beyond him to know the difference. In any case, it can quite easily lead to situations where the bonds that are supposed to form in infancy are shaky.
This is not going to happen if you "let him cry it out" a total of once or twice. But like everything else you seem to do, we're not talking about doing it once or twice. We're talking about a pattern being established. Do most things once or twice in cases like this, and you probably won't pay for them. But considering that the only reason for doing such things is selfish at best and downright negligent at worst, and considering that doing it once makes it easier to do later (because you will be pushed to allow and to justify others doing it, if you aren't careful), then why even start the behavior in the first place? I'm not going to be a parent unless I get a really really big surprise, but I personally would rather not even test these waters, as it were. If my baby was crying, I'd want to figure out why. Once he got older and could start consciously vying for attention, then things might change; until then, this is a creature depending on me for every single one of its needs, and to simply ignore said needs...well, it's silly. Just plain silly.
When you put your baby in a swing, he's not self-soothing if he calms down. He's being soothed by the motion provided by the swing. That's not considered self-soothing. Something else, namely the swing in this case, stimulates that response. Same as if you sing to or rock a baby. You're soothing them, they're not soothing themselves.
It's ok to put the baby in a swing sometimes, but I wouldn't necessarily do that when he's worked up and crying already. And I wouldn't use the swing as an excessive standby.
It's really easy for parents to get used to the swing being their babysitter and their baby's major source of soothing.
But in any case, whether he calms down due to motion, etc. he's not manipulating you. It just doesnt' calculate into child development. If your boyfriend knew anything about a baby's brain function, he wouldn't be saying that Marshall is testing the waters at his age.
It's a pretty harsh time fo a baby when he's not even a year old and his own parents are accusing him of testing their boundaries and trying to manipulate their attention... Geeze; let Marshal just be a baby. Babies are still innoscent human beings, simply because they lack the brain function to be anything other than that.
If you're preoccupied with the thought that he's liable to manipulate you right now,, you're treading into dangerous waters, because you're more likely to missread the signs if Marshall really does need you and you might misjudge when it's important for you to physically be there for him.
You guys saying that your baby has the capability to manipulate you is like if I said that my black lab can drive a car. it's preposterous, and it leads people to doubt that you know what you're doing to a degree. If you told a social worker that your baby is manipulating you and that he decides when to cry and when not, they'd look at you funny and promise to scrutinize you much closer from then on.
As we've said time and time again, educate yourselves. There are plenty of wonderful books and web sites on the stages of early childhood development, and it wouldnt' be too late for yuo to check them out and familiarize yourself what stage will come when.
You say you've done your research before marshall was born,but from the questions you ask and the things you say, you're not convincing me for a minute that you researched much, or at least that you took any of your research in.
Education is your friend. Education means you'll be a better parent and that you will be equipped at least to some degree to handle the stages that your baby goes through and that you won't mistaken one stage for another.
Education and common sense. That's what makes a welll-prepared, well-equipped parent.
My boyfriend did tell me that he got the whole babies manipulating idea from someone that he as the dad had talked to and when asked who the source was, he said that wasn't the point. But how then can the father agree with his friend or whoever that Marshall is manipulating us if he knows that women produce saritonin (sorry if I misspelled the word) but I've tried explaining time and time again that Marshall needs lots of attention and reassurance that we are there for him, but apparently as I told his father, he will never understand it since he's not a woman. I guess that hormone is only in mothers and according to my bf, he says that the hormone causes our conscience to as he puts it, enjoy when a baby cries because I guess our motherly instincts kick in. I guess that is why I end up being the one who gives Marshall a lot of the physical attention. The father seems to be too tired, busy, and stressed most of the time because he can't get anyone to help him with stuff even though they would say if he needs something just ask. But apparently people are never available to him, plus he's not a people person. He always says he hates humans.
to be honest, the more of your bf's views, statements and ideas that you post here, the more I think he is a complete and utter idiot.
babies at this age are not capable of manipulation, and anyone, literally anyone who says they are is a dickhead. I am just going to be super blunt here, because I am sleepy and have spent my dday dealing with a sick baby girl.
Neither your family or his seem to have done any research into the stages of a child's development. I will reiterate here, that having a child does not equal knowing about children.
there are loads of reasons why martial might be crying. Human contact is definitely one. Matilda cries when she feels left out. when Martial cannot se you, at this stage of his development, he doesn't know that you still exist. a baby that is not even capable of knowing that you or he are actual entities, is not capable of manipulation! Martial won't discover himself until about 18 months, so he is certainly not capable of manipulation at this early stage.
If I put Matilda down and she is not close enough to us, often she will cry and grizzle. as soon as I bring her to sit with Johan and I she is fine and happy again. this is because she can see us, hear us and feel us. She knows we are there. if I dump her in another room or something, she doesn't actually know we are even still real. that is the extent of her ability right now.
We are meant to coregulate with our young. it is natural for us to do so, and for us, especially mothers, to want to do so, so don't let your bf try to convince you otherwise, because he is wrong. I am going to say it again, he. is. wrong. on this and quite a few other things, his views, quite frankly, suck.
testing the warters is something a much older baby would do. not a child under 6 months.
and fucking hell. I just read your last post.
if he hates humans so much, wtf is he doing having a baby?
he needs to get his shit together and get educated like you have tried to do, otherwise he is going to fuck things up because he keeps attending the school of 'a friend of a friend said'.
Th o have a child with me, seems to me he didn't think it all the way through. I felt that I was ready as I possibly could be, I tried to get all the education and experience possible, bu people keep ropping the ball on their part so I kinda had to learn as I go which was out of my control.
He needs to learn that the world is a huge and scary place for a baby as young as martial.
he doesn't even understand how his own body works at the moment. he can get his hand in front of his face and not understand how it got there.
that's how confusing the world is for him right now.
also, something I find really amazing with Matty is baby massage.
I would get a midwife or someone to show you how to do it though, because it can be done badly, and explaining over the internet is not ideal.
My children's nurse showed me on a doll.
Matilda has stomach pain pretty often and this really helps her to settle. she also just likes the contact.
He actually had the balls to say he hates humans? Good Lord, what a monster. You and your son deserve better. Going to go off here before I really say something I'll regret. Praying for the original poster's sanity and for the bF to grow the hell up and learn to better understand his own flesh and blood's development. SMH ...
He's always felt that way about people though since they've frustrated him a lot over time. But all that stress isn't good for Marshall, that is probably part of the problem for Marshall.
Babies pick up on their parents emotional cues, so if your BF is always stressed and doesn't know healthy ways of coping with stress frustration and negativity, then yeah, of course it's bad for Marshal's well-being.
What can I do about Marshall's excessive crankiness over the past few days? I've tried singing, rocking, holding and reading to him. Sometimes that all only is shortlived then he goes back to being cranky for whatever reason. I know it's not colic since it's not at the same time of day and doesn't happen for long stretches of time. But what else can I do for Marshall? What is going on here? Some people say he's possibly already starting to get his teeth in, but isn't that a little too early since he's only about 4 months old? Others say he's fussing just because he wants to know that we are there for him.
It could be both. Very probably is. Teeth can come in early. And as Loui just explained, there's no concept of object perminence in a baby's brain that young. The way he processes your presence is literally: I can touch mommy, therefore mommy is here. I hear mommy, so she exists. I can smell mommy, so she's here for me. If he can't do any of these things, if he can't see, smell or touch you, you literally no longer exist in his world at that point.
What a concept, huh? Try explaining that one to your dickhead of a boyfriend. lol.
There's a ton of evidence supporting what we've just explained by the way. So you can go look it up anywhere.
By the way, looks like your baby's daddy is a tool, and not the sharpest one in the shed, either. Congratulations.
He may be the father, but he doesn't at all seem like the person to be taking parenting advice from.
And this puzzles me greatly: You say he hates humans and he's always had that stance... So why in the world would you ever agree to make one with him. lol.
Well, on that count, I only feel bad for Marshall. He has a daddy who hates humans in general, and a mommy who knew that about his daddy...
You kind of made your bed there, I have to say.
Don't get me wrong, I answer and contribute to this thread because I genuinely want to see you grow into a great, responsible, well-informed mommy and I want to see Marshall get the best care he can possibly get. I believe that by reaching out and talking to people and trying to educate yourself, you're showing initiative and you have the potential to be what marshall needs you to be. but your boyfriend, on the other hand, has no fucking clue what he's talking about, and you kind of stuck your foot in it the moment you decided to raise a baby with him...
So on that count, good lukc. lol.
By the way, take into account that babies do have bad days just as much as we grown ups do. If he's cranky for the past few days, he probably needs a lot of leeway, a bunch of cuddles, and time with his parents in close contact. Most likely that will fix his mood by a great deal.
do a google search for attachment parenting international.
Oh, and I just reread your baby daddy's genius theory about hormones and how they stimulate women to enjoy a baby's cry and to be more sensative to it... what? lol
First of all, I don't know what hormone is in question here, but everyone, has, serotonin. Everyone produces this feel-good hormone in their body: male or female.
Did you mean estrogen?
Because if you did, guess what? Even men have small traces of estrogen in their bodies, although they possess much more testosterone in general.
Anyway, that thing about him never being able to understand the need of a babie like you do because he's a man.. Yeah that's bullshit. It's the most assinine excuse. lol. You'd be a fool to actually believe it.
My partner, who's also very much a man by the way, was known to be even more sensative to our son's needs at time than I was. Though we were both very attentive parents, he'd be the one to be wide awake at the slightest noise of the baby's cries. I'd still be dead asleep. He was the one who volunteered to let the baby sleep on his chest if I needed to get some rest of my own. He was the one who fed him bottles of breastmilk when I couldn't wake up in the middle of the night to breastfeed because I was too exhausted.
Tell your boyfriend that the reason he's not as sensative to Marshall's needs as you are aren't because he's a man, but more likely because he's stil pretty much just a boy. lol.
There are a few things a mother will feel that a man will not feel in quite the same way, but they're mostly chemically induced and not central to the points your partner is trying to make. For instance, a mother may always be somewhat sensitive to a crying baby more than a father will, or more than a man in general; this is not an excuse for the man to be insensitive, only an explanation that the chemical imperative to do something about that crying might (and I stress that word might) not be quite as strong as it is for you. Any man who uses this as an excuse to not deal with the baby, or falls back on it to explain bad behavior when called out, is being an idiot.
Yes...I have to agree on one thing that's been said a couple of times now. If you knew this about Marshall's dad and made a child with him anyway, it kind of bugs me. But I tell you what. You're at least trying to get the straight of it now, so even if some might say you made a dubious decision, you're now trying to make the best of it. And that's largely what life is: making decisions and then trying to make the best of what happens. Just keep moving forward, and keep using your brain. You've got it for a reason.
At four months or so, Marshall may be a bit better armed to know that you still exist if you aren't in his field of vision, or aren't close enough to smell or hear or touch. It's spotty though, and there's simply no way of telling because there's no way to ask him and get a trustworthy response. the ideas of permanence and transience begin to assert themselves around this age, but it takes time.
it's possible that his ability to assess perminence has not yet come to pass, especially if dad is advocating some stupid self-soothing and crying it out kind of parental style.
just because it's not colic doesn't mean your child isn't experiencing gas or stomach pain. We give Matilda special drops that help her with gas and so on, and are supposed to help ease stomach aches. I also do massage on her twice a day when she is calm and rested.
Sometimes I take her for a short walk in her pram or put her in her baby carrier and just walk around and do whatever with her in the carrier so she can be close to me. If you are spending long stretches away from your baby, either leaving him in the swing, in his cot or anywhere else that is away from where you or dad are, that is a possible source of crankiness, because he is lacking the contact that he needs with mum and dad.
Finally, here is another blunt piece of advice. Don't be afraid of breaking the peace with your partner. If you are just going along with the things that he says or wants because you don't want to fight, or annoy him, or whatever, stop doing it.
You have had a child with someone who clearly wasn't ready, and to my mind, possibly didn't even want one in the first place, because he certainly isn't in a place of maturety about the whole situation, considering the bullshit he seems to come up with, but you have made that bed now, and it's time for you, as the only one who has even tried to do things properly, to step up and advocate for your son.
what you have to realise, is that you 2 have views that are just not compremisable. You don't believe in spanking, he does. You can't just say,
'oh well, you can be the one who spanks our child. I will just ignore it'
Same thing by indulging him on this 'testing the waters' crap.
ultimately, you 2 should hav had a parenting strategy worked out together before Martial was even born. considering the arguing going on between you now, I am assuming this is not the case.
You know that your bf isn't researching stuff. You know that you are. You can read about secure attachments and you can give your bf sources, he can't.
You know what the right approach is, and he does not.
so it's time for you to tell him what is what and how you intend to meet martial's needs.
I'm not sure how much research he has done, but clearly not as much as I have. And I haven't been going with the testing the waters theory as much as I can avoid it. I try to give Marshall as much attention s I can if I'm not too exhausted. I mean I give him so much attention that I barely have enough time to cook me a good meal since when he's not needing time, I try to take some quote unquote me time to get reading done and do all this research through these board posts or review the Hadley parenting materials. If I'm not doing that, I will be watching tv or sleeping.
I'm troubled by a phrase you used before, "if we're not too busy". What
exactly are you doing that prevents you from tending your baby> I mean, sure,
if you're on the toilet, it may take a second for you to get there, but that's just a
minute or so. What are you doing that has you so exhausted?
It sounds to me as if you need to also work on time management. If your
boyfriend is only working fifteen hours a week, which I believe is the number
you mentioned earlier, he can do the housework, or help you with it. If you want
to watch TV, hold your baby with the tV on. I don't know a single parent who
doesn't do this. PUt on a book and rock your baby. I wouldn't suggest cooking
with your baby, but I think that would be a perfect time to tell your boyfriend
that its time to learn how to hold a baby. If he doesn't like that, tell him he can
either learn to hold a baby or cook a meal. If he still doesn't like that, tell him
he better learn how to pack a suitcase.
Being busy would be like washing dishes or something that requires the use of both my hands. I try to do some cleaning around my house but it never seems clean enough. I do watch t with Marshall and I read to him and all that.
Again, it is possible to wear a baby and complete household chores. No, you don't want to wear an infant while cooking, but at least have him in contact with you while you go about your day so he is with you and receives healthy physical contact with what seems at this point to be his priimary caregiver. wearing him teaches him more about his environment. By feeling mom move while walking and such, hearing her speak, and observing interactions with others through use of all five senses, (touch being a really big one from the beginning), I feel babies come to understand so much more about the world around them. See attachment parenting international or do research on babywearing. better yet, if you are able, join online communities and forums that promote and discuss babywearing to gain some insight into this kind of parenting; you just might be able to make a new friend who can help. Agree with silver lightning on how to handle the BF's excuses. I'll have to remember that line about telling the guy to learn how to pack a suitcase if he can't learn how to do the rest and step up as a child's father. lol
Seriously, your boyfriend only works fifteen hours a week and still expects you
to do the dishes? I'm going to be polite and hold my tongue, but I'll just say,
that's not right.
I am a big advocate of babywearing, and so is my husband.
You would be surprised how much you can get done while wearing a baby in a sling or carrier.
When Matilda is having a long sleep with us, I obviously put her in her own bed, but when I'm awake, she is either in her carrier if I am moving round the house a large amount, in her swing if I am by my computer, or simply sitting on my lap if I am reading or watching tv with Johan. There's never actually a period where she can't at least hear me, and most of the time she can see me as well. she knows where I am so she does not have that anxiety to deal with. if i am out of the room for whatever reason, usually she knows that pappa is there too.
My husband and I both wear Matilda at different times so she has contact with both of us and as such, can begin to associate both of us with a feeling of safety.
I would start looking on the internet for some mums groups, rather than going with such old style reference material. Find some mums your own age who agree with your opinions who can help back up your prefered style of parenting and present that to your idiot of a partner and tell him what's what, because honestly, you have the right idea with how you want to raise your child, he and his family are stuck in the dark ages.
I loved baby wearing. They have those backpacks that you can put the baby in. It straps on you like a backpack but instead its in the front. They have them in different sizes to accomodate the baby's growth, and if you adjust them correctly, the strapps fit almost any body type. Then, failing that, they also have these baby-wearing wraps, where you put the baby in a kind of pocket made of a soft fabric, then you wrap the belt part around your waste and fasten it on the back. The fastening straps are usually made of velcro, but I bet you could find one that has hooks instead, kinda like a bra hook, lol, if you felt the velcro wasn't secure enough.
If you use either of these things, you can get away with doing a ton of stuff around the house without dealing with an anxious baby. That will also aleviate your own stress. Trust us, it's a way better method than the old-school suggestions of leaving the baby in a play pen or on the floor, etc. to cry it out and just deal with your absence if you have to get stuff done.
I mean, I wouldn't do the baby wearing thing a hundred percent of the time because ideally you want to give your baby a bit of space to develop his independence, but if he's having a bad day and mommy needs stuff done around the house, the babywearing thing is an ideal option.
All I'm going to say is wow to your boyfriend! Definitely take some time and go to a group for moms. I think it will really help you a lot. The advice here on the boards is great, but there's nothing like being in a group with people who you can actually speak with.
So apparently Marshall is starting to be a tummy sleeper because last night I laid him down in bed on his back and in his sleep he rolled onto his tummy. But he must like it because he didn't wake up crying about it. Why then would he fuss more about tummy time during the day? He acts like he hates it even though I would put him on his tummy time pillow or some other flat soft surface. Also, if he's sleeping on his tummy, does he remember to lift his head to breathe, or do I have to keep placing him on his back to avoiding him smothering himself to death? I did place him back onto his back at least twice, but he kept rolling onto his tummy again so hopefully he'll be fine.
Bybthe way I read from the Hadley parenting materials to neer lay a baby on his tummy.
Um ... when did you take the parenting infancy course? I never saw anything about lying infant on his stomach before.
I meant that it said in the Hadley course that it is never ok to lay a baby on his tummy but apparently he does ok cause when he rolls on his tummy in his sleep he is still breathing and he doesn't fuss about it like he does during the day for whatever reason. and it doesn't matter if I keep putting him on his back he insists on rolling onto his tummy.
Someone speak up and tell me if I'm wrong, but I'm like 85-90% sure that by his age, he should be able to roll over more often than not, and he won't smother himself either because he can move his head and moving your face so you can breathe is an involuntary reflex (it's why you can't hold your head underwater to drown yourself without some sort of help). A tiny infant might have that worry but I think Marshall would be fine with this.
Again, someone who's done this please speak up and tell me if I'm dead wrong.
you're right, gregg. at his age, he has more head control, so he can move his head to the side and breathe easily when he wants to. even my little Matilda will fall asleep during tummy time sometimes, and if I am laying next to her, I just let her.
just never actually lay him onto his tummy yourself and let him get there on his own. after the first 3 months, the risks of him smothering himself are grately reduced because of his ability to control his own head movements.
Thank you for clarifying.
My son is 11 now so my info is probably considered old-school by now. lol Anyway, he was about four or five months old when he started rolling onto his tummy during sleep. No matter how many times I would roll him back onto his back, he'd roll right back over. lol Just make sure his sleeping surface is free of pillows, excessive blankets or stufties, etc.
When will he be able to roll from his tummy to his back? He can't do that yet for some reason. Also, when will he have better support with his head because he still at 4 months can't sit up independently yet.
These are things that a parenting course and a little research would tell you.
I'm unsure about rolling to his back off the top of my head, but he ought to be able to sit up by 5-7 months I believe. If he's not at least trying like hell by then, I'd be surprised.
This isn't just an issue of neck muscles either. He has to use his back, his hips and his stomach in order to sit up and then stay up. It's a pretty coordinated effort.
It's way easier to roll to the front than it is to the back. He needs more muscle strength to do so. Sitting up at four months? Not likely. And remember, a baby's head is very heavy and his neck muscles are very delicate. I'd be very surprised if he'd already mastered keeping his head up at all times by now. Again, all this stemms back to a baby's typical development.
I'd rather ask questions on here because I feel the information I've gotten here is more rellivant than information I've gotten from any online research and Hadley courses I've taken. I think the Hadley courses are out of date because they were copyrighted in 1998 so I'm sure parenting styles have changed a little since then either that or the children have changed.
There's nothing wrong with asking your questions on here. At least not in my oppinion.
I don't think kids have changed; I do think, however, that we've learned more about baby's development over the years, and yes, people have had children for centuries and people have been able to raise them even if they've contradicted all of today's research. But let's notice how much the infant mortality rate has decreased over the years, both here and in other countries. We're learning more, and it's usually best to go by a mix of scientific evidence and good old common sense and instinct. :)
Keep asking your questions. Those who will take the time to answer don't usually mind to do so.
No, there's nothing wrong with asking questions.
The only reason I said what I did in a previous post about research is because even with a very cursory sweep, I found the answer to the question you asked, supported by many different places. When it comes to stuff that's more psychological and stuff, then that might be different...but developmentally, physically speaking, babies haven't changed much, and aren't likely to...especially not in, say, the last seventeen years. If it was common for a baby to learn to sit upright by, say, seven to eight months in 1998, it's probably still true now.
But yeah...rolling onto his tummy will come before rolling onto his back, and sitting up is likely to come shortly after he can roll comfortably onto his back.
Tip for ya: if you notice he always rolls to one side, try and get him to roll the other way by using a toy he likes, dangling it on his nondominant side so that he's encouraged to roll that way. I actually remember my mom doing this with my brother when he was small; because my brother was a yeller, it kinda outraged him, but he quickly got the hang of it. You want to be sure that your baby can roll both ways...helps balance the muscles and stuff.
And all of this will help prepare his core muscles for crawling.
Hey folks,
I would like to get some of your thoughts about leaving my son alone to run a quick errand downstairs. As I have mentioned before, his father's sister lives right next to us so all I have to do is walk down my steps and out the door and her house is right there. I would only be down there for a minute to drop something off for her or something like that. I am never gone any longer than that. But I am still nervous about leaving him even though I bring my baby monitor with me. I was talking to my rehabilitation counselor for the blind who is also visually impaired and she told me that when her kids were little, she would go and take out the trash and take her monitor with her and the kids would be in the house by himself for only a few minutes. I'm sure Marshall is fine unattended for a short period specially if like right now he's sound asleep in his bed. I would make sure that he is never on anything he could fall off. My boyfriend thinks it is ok to step out for a brief moment also but even so, I still get nervous about it. I would never leave Marshall in the house if I was taking out garbage though because it's a longer distance than just walking down the steps to my neighbor's house. If I needed the trash taken out and I was the only one home, I would ask my neighbor to do it or have Marshall's father take it if he was home and if I were occupied. Anyway, what are yall's thoughts regarding this matter?
Did you get an age range from her regarding her definition of, "little"?
At Marshall's age, I would say this is okay if you're only going out for a very short time, and if Marshall is in a place where he basically can't do himself any harm. this is particularly true if you take the monitor with you so that you might hear any sounds he might make. it's even more true if he's fast asleep. I wouldn't go for more than about two or three minutes, just on the off chance...but for a short time you should be completely okay.
I also wouldn't, say, leave him in the middle of the floor unattended while he's wide awake for that kind of time. Not at this point. He's not terribly mobile yet but you never know what could happen.
No I didn't ask her how young her child was but probably very little.
You have a baby monitor, so he'll be fine. My aunt had that thing, and did everything while her baby was sleep. Everything as in, do the chores and take the trashout and stuff.
I guess it depends on the parent and also the circumstances such as the layout of the living quarters, etc. I honestly personally didn't feel comfortable stepping out anywhere when my son was that little and he would end up alone, and I feel even less comfortable now because he's mobile and up to being way too curious now. I was always afraid of a freak fire or if the baby woke up and started getting into something somehow that he shouldn't. If he started to attempt to climb out of his crib in my absense, for instance. I'd have no idea, and the shittiest tragedies happen during the most innoscent split seconds.
Hae any of yall ever checked out babycenter.com or parentingcom? I just read the following information about sleeping on there:
they said that a 4 month old should get between 14-16 hours of sleep including nap times. They also outlined time periods and how many naps a baby should have. well Marshall doesn't quite follow that yet, they say the evening nap should be from 7-9 or so but we try to have him to bed by 10 for night time sleep. How reliable is heir info?
Also if he does wake up before 10 having fallen asleep at 7 or 8, should I then put him back to bed after feeding? I'd rather not because he may be more wide awake so I figured I'd wait till he fell asleep on his own accord after his bedtime feeding and changing. He doesn't always fall asleep before 10pm though, just tonight was the first time in the last several weeks.
When he wakes up for a nightly feed, you should try to put him back to bed after he's been fed and changed, etc. Or just sit with him calmly and quietly, without much stimulation till he falls asleep. You've been asking for months when he'll get used to sleeping at night and not as much during the day, well, there's not much you can do about him sleeping during the day as we've talked about before, but doing stimulating things at night like playing, etc. will only prolong his blurred line between nighttime and day. I mean, you wouldn't just put him down to fend for himself at night after changing and feeding, but what I'm saying is you don't really want to go and play peekaboo at ten at night either. Get him used to the idea of when it's bedtime, he doesn't necessarily have to fall asleep right away, but he does have to prep for it. A calm, dim, soothing environment is ideal at that point versus a more upbeat environment.
Just wait till he starts cuttin' them teeth. Fun times.
Hey guys I have a question for yall.
I did research on what the age was to start spanking a child just to see interesting responses. Of course I'm against it in any form even slapping the child's hand. Anyway someone in my researching had said she started spanking her child when he was 7 months old. It didn't specify what kind of spanking she did whether it was a slap on the butt, the hand, or any a full blown spanking. Regardless I think that is way too young of an age to do it. My question is this: could she have done it because the baby was crying too much? In her eyes was that a good excuse to spank a 7-month old? Or for example Marshall for some reason grabs my hair whenever it gets close to his hands and he's almost 7 months old himself. This mother probably would've spanked him for that I bet. But I just cut my hair just short enough so that Marshall can't grasp at it plus with the force he did it at, it was starting to hurt and get a little annoying. But of course at this age he doesn't understand that grabbing onto my hair hurts mommy. Also the same mother thinks that if the child bites her during nursing, she flicks him on the cheek or slaps his mouth just hard enough to let him know biting is not ok but I don't think that is right either. Though I'm not sure how to go about that myself. If I want to nurse my son for awhile longer, how do I get him to understand not to bite when he starts to understand and talk? What are yall's thoughts regarding the article?
My thoughts are that I feel sorry for that lady's baby and I think she needs parenting classes ASAP. If you don't want your kid to bite you during nursing, invest in a rubber nipple shield. and any mother who spanks her child at seven months old has absolutely no good excuse for it; she doesn't even deserve a child in my oppinion. But hey. Who am I to say anything. I'm just a dumb young mother, right? lol.
I'm sure some will say that we should all respect each other's differing parenting styles. but if someone spanks a seven month old baby in any way, that's not a style of parenting; it's stupidity.
I totally agree. Some ppl in the research I did said the mother could've been suffering postpartum depression still.
doesn't matter. while I do sympathize with women who go through postpardum, none who are truly depressed will justify spanking a baby. That's just poor parenting on their part, and postpardum is a lame excuse. don't get me wrong; postpardum itself is far from lame and it's a real issue, but people tend to use it as a veil for wrongdoing and that's not ok.
ask your socialworker re your last quesiton - see where that gets you.
enough said.
Wouldn't even bringing up the subject of smacking a child to a socialworker make the socialworker even more concerned about the kid's wellfare? Just saying ...
hense why the person said it as a joke. hah. at least how I read it.
When you are ok with your partner hitting you as a form of punishment, go ahead and hit your child.
basically sums up how I feel about that woman and her stupid spanking views.
also, mothers need to learn a lot of tolerance and patience. I read recently that young babies go through a period of very unsettled times, purely because of the overload of information they are trying to process.
Little Matilda has just started. Right now, towards the end of the night, she gets very grizzly and often just cries. Most of the time my attention needs to be totally focused on her to calm her. The sheer volume of things her brain is trying to sift through is just too much. it's a total information overload every day, and it really stresses them out.
they are also very frustrated, because they are starting to learn that they could walk somewhere and pick up something, but just can't manage it. they are also experimenting with communication and realising it has no results. it is a very stressful time being this young and small and unable to communicate.
Every time he pulls your hair, just say no, in a firm but clear tone and remove his hand gently but firmly.
there isn't a lot you can do about it though. However there are things you can do to lessen the overload. Never have the tv on for your child. No videos at this point unless absolutely necessary. If Matilda screams in a car, I will put on a youtube vid for her, but that is the only time she gets to watch anything.
Babies are too little for that much visual information.
Avoid having the tv on while your child is with you. if you are playing, turn off the tv. Doesn't matter what you're watching, the volume of visual info in a tv programme is too much for a baby's brain to cope with.
Music is ok.
Don't have a massive amount of toys for your child to choose from in one area. pick out their favourites and offer them in turn.
overall, just be really patient.
.Ok folks please excuse some fowl language here but I am fucken pissed right now and this is why:
How many of you parents out there have coslept with your kids on a daily basis and did they turn out spoiled? I mean do those of yall have toddlers and
kids older ages who still want to sleep with yall? Well I'm so fucken tired of my bf and our friends and families combined making me feel guilty for having
my son sleeping next to me. I have a few reasons for doing this one because he stays warm and won't kick off the covers that way and we both like the bonding
plus I'm not doing a lot in life right now so I have a lot of time that I can spend with him. Just because a person has a spoiled brat of a kid for whatever
reason doesn't guarantee that I will have a kid forever spoiled. But they say this because he won't go to bed by himself for anyone else no matter where
they put him eg in his playpen or anywhere else unless he is net to a person or in his swing. Why can't anyone in my close circle of folks be on my side
for once? For those of yall who side with my friends and his family and friends, I don't need your input here thank you. Again I apologize for the fowl
language but I feel strongly about this issue and we're never all going to see eye to eye on It.
They put him to sleep in the play pen?
Marshall is still young. Having him sleep with you for now isn't a bad idea.
But getting him so he'll sleep without being near someone might be a good idea too.
At his age, he's not going to be spoiled by sleeping with you. As time passes though, it might be good to insist that he not sleep with you. That time has to come, after all, and there's no sense delaying it until a point in Marshall's life where it might cause bonding-related difficulty.
I'm not agreeing with the people who are giving you hell. I'm only giving you a slightly different perspective than you yourself might have. I understand you're a little pissed off, but try and be calm about this.
You're probably not going to want him sleeping with you every night when he's, like, three or something.
Please remember that bonding has two elements to it. On the one hand, there's keeping Marshall close so he gets attached. On the other hand, it's sometimes keeping Marshall away from you, so that he learns that 1. sometimes you won't be there and 2. you'll always be back. This is a decent age to start this. It might upset him in the short-term but it will probably do him some good.
The risk here is that you might cripple Marshall's ability to be away from you depending on how long you let him keep sleeping with you, and that's a bad thing. You won't spoil him in the classical sense, and he -will get over it probably, but it can still cause difficulties. Marshall needs to learn independence, even in the simple "mom's not here, but it's okay" sense, before he gets old enough that being utterly reliant on you for his needs, including sleep, becomes entrenched.
I agree with the above post. I'm not a mother yet, but I plan to be in the next year or two. I have lots of experience with children, and young ones from working at a daycare, and taken care of my little sisters. I think people are giving you great advice here.
Now on the topic of spanking:
I don't believe in it, and as a psychology major I know the psychological effects, and I've seen them within my own family. I do believe in a tap on a baby's hands if they touch something, but you shouldn't hurt them when doing so. A tap that gets there attention is my view, and remove their hands with a firm no.
I don't see a problem with him sleeping in the playpen since he spends most of his time on the floor anyway. Plus any crib we have is too tall for me to reach him and the playpen is just at a good height for me.
What's wrong with a baby sleeping in a playpen? It's basically a portacrib. These days, they're soft and even more comfortable than cribs, and actually much safer since instead of featuring safety bars at intervals, they feature mesh netting which helps baby breathe but won't allow him to fall out.
Honestly my son slept many nights in a porta crib and not one night in a regular crib. He actually alternated between sleeping with me in our bed and sleeping in a porta crib up until he got his toddler bed at two and a half. As I said in the parenting group we're both in, it's totally fine to have him sleep with you in your bed for now, especially if you're a fulltime stay at home mom and you are his primary care taker. I disagree that he's going to be "spoiled" into not wanting to sleep alone; that could be taught gradually and he'll learn just fine, just as my son did. stick to your gut.
Thank you Bernedetta, sorry if I misspell your name but I feel a lot better about my approach. I believe there's plenty of time to train him to sleep alone, it's a gradual process, I don't expect him to do it in one day but for now I really see no reason. Besides, when spring comes I will start working with him on it.
Yu, ignore friends and family who want to try to change the way you parent. he's your kid, not theirs, and if they disagree, too bad, so sad. sorry if the playpen question seemed a bit rude, that's cool if he likes sleeping in there and it's convenient for you to reach him that way.
Play pens are really comfortable these days.
Yes even 21 years ago when the daughter was a baby, the playpen was not your medieval 1970s jail bars. It was like they said, a mesh bag with a cushion on the bottom suspended over aluminum bar supports.
One thing we did as parents was practice assembling and disaasembling it enough that the two of us were able to do it really quickly ... and these things are great outside over even damp grass or sand. Just watch the sun is all.
My thoughts are basically this.
If you want to rely on your family for cheap or fre childcare then you need to sort the problem now, even if you don't really want to, because having him grizzly and not sleeping for anyone else unless he cosleeps is not a good way for him to be at a relatives house. Your relatives do not have to take care of your child for you and they are doing so because they want time with him and are helping you out. so it's up to you to make it as easy as possible for them.
Same if you are relying on a friend to babysit.
If it's a once every couple of months thing then it's not so urgent, but if you are doing it more than once a month then you need to sort it, because it's not up to them to have to give you childcare when your child is difficult to manage away from home.
If however you are paying for childcare, feel free to raise your child however you would like, because that person is getting payed.
If he won't go down for anyone else, it sounds like he is beginning to possibly have an unsecure attachment to you and you might want to read up on strategies to combat that, because it is not healthy in the long run.
Also, if either you or your partner are overweight, taking sleeping meds or any meds that cause drowsiness or heavy or rough sleepers, you must not sleep with your child. it is very dangerous, same if one of you has been drinking.
We don't drink or take meds. I am his primary caregiver though and he's with me most of the time which is why I don't really find it a problem to bedshare with him. I spend lots of time holding and cuddling with him when he's awake so I am sure he's pretty attached to me. He just doesn't like being alone because of separation anxiety which I'm sure he may start to experience at this age according to some research I'm doing so that is why he has a difficulty if I'm not around but it isn't often that I'm away from home anyway.
and I probably should say this too,
it is your partner's space as well.
Since you don't have anywhere else but your own room for Martial to sleep, I would actually have a discussion about bedsharing with your partner. Just because you are the primary caregiver for martial, doesn't mean you have the absolute say over how everything goes. You need to pick your battles wisely for your son. Standing up for things like keeping him in the same room, breastfeeding and not spanking are the sorts of battles you should be fighting, but maybe there is some room when it comes to bedsharing, for example. Maybe bedsharing is making it harder for your partner to sleep, and if that is the case, maybe he would be less stressed and more willing to be involved with his son.
talk to him and keep his family out of it.
Good morning all,
For those of yall who have been with me through Marshall's journye through these board posts. Here's an update and a few questions regarding his well-being. He is now just 9 months old and ever since we've been back home from spending Christmas week with my family who live in Wisconsin, we've been home for a week now and he ot sick a couple days after we returned home. Well at least I think he's sick or perhaps it's partly to do with teething. I mean he for the first half of the week he was cranky for the better part of the day and could barely be comforted no matter what we did from rocking him to playing with him to giving him teething rings and other remedies to help with teething. Well, now for the last part of the week he has been coughing and lately it sounds very rattley. Could he possibly have croup? Is it possible for him to choke on his own mucus? Can we give him any medications at this age? And finally, since I still exclusively breastfeed, is he still getting antibodies from the milk to fight off this whatever it may be? I have checked him for a fever and his temperature was normal. He does have a doctor's appointment coming up sometime soon though I can't remember exactly how soon. How do I know if his cough or any other symptoms he may acquire won't turn into anything life threatening? I am a very anxious mother right now and no amount of research I'e been doing seems to calm me, it all seems contradictory.
can you call his ped? they should be able to give you some advice.
I would avoid giving him meds if he doesn't have a feaver and if you haven't seen a doctor. just lots of breastmilk, skin on skin and keep an eye on his condition.
Something here seems a bit off, to me. Trisha, if you're afraid your kid is sick, you're being very casual about it. Why aren't you on the phone to the doctor? Seems crucial to find out when that appointment is, and call and explain your concern, and see if they want you to bring him in, sooner.
I'm out of my depth with this topic though, and will mind my own business, now.
I asked my WIC avisor about what to do and she had told me not to be too worried if he doesn't have a temperature but I couldn't call his doctor anyway cause when he started some of the symptoms, well it was a holiday and nothing could be done anyway till he does g to the doctor. if it was any worse or that urgent, I would call 9 1 1. I just wanted to know if I could do anything in the moment until he did go see the doctor.
Or take him to Urgent Care...
Croup is usually characterized by a harsh half-bark sound when a baby breathes in. I know because I've heard it and I've experienced it. I remember it well. It's a sound you don't forget. For me and for those I knew, croup is not exactly dangerous, but it's bothersome and a little painful. It sounds from your explanation as if Marshall is teething and a little sick at the same time. Not a fun combination, I'm sure.
For future reference, it might be good to write doctors appointments down so you know exactly when they are. Failing that, as soon as a given holiday itself is over, call the doctor immediately and check when the appointment is. If Marshall is getting sick enough that you're truly alarmed, urgent care is the way to go. As far as I understand, urgent care is a couple of steps above the doctor but a couple of steps below the ER. If he's sounding really snotty sometimes, coughing a lot, expelling a lot of mucus and has any sort of temperature, at nine months he might need an urgent-care visit. On the plus side, a nine-month-old baby is a good deal more hardy than, say, a two-month-old. Hopefully nothing is seriously wrong, and your doctor visit goes well.
Definitely agreed though about medication and stuff. At this age, don't give him anything without checking with a health professional. When he gets older you might be able to give him basic kids cough medicine or baby aspirin or whatever without asking for advice, but for now it might be best for you to play it a little safe.
If you're worried about dehydration, here is a recipe for pediolyte works best if you have somewhat hard water:
1 8-oz bottle warm water
1 tbsp. sugar
1 quarter tsp salt
Mix the salt into the water first, it dissolves more readily. Then add and mix the sugar.
Someone told me I could freeze cubes of pedialite in ice trys and use the cubes for him to soothe the pain when teething.
So in the Hadley parenting courses under the safety checklist they say never leave a baby in a room unattended. Ok isn't that statement going a little overboard? I mean obviously I'd never leave Marshall unattended in a bathroom or on a high surface anywhere but come on
! What about if he's asleep in his playpen or somewhere secure? I mean for now I think he would be just fine since he can't climb out of it yet. He's only 9 months old just saying. I know the material is outdated a little but still... Any thoughts?
It makes sense to me. Even in his play pen things can still happen. He could
roll over, his clothes could get twisted, he could hurt himself with a toy, a lot of
things could happen. Is it really so big a task to not leave your baby
unattended?
Good point. Then what do the parents do that have their child sleep in a separate room from them? Isn't their child unttended and alone at that point? I mean I have Marshall sleeping in my room because I know I wouldn't always be able to hear him even with a monitor and it's easier to hear him climbing out of the playpen when he figures out how to do that.
The parents that I know don't have a nine month old baby in another room.
They don't have him in their bed, because that can be very dangerous also, but
they have them in the same room. Its only several months later that they move
the child into their own room, and even then they have a baby monitor. and
they still keep the child in a crib, with no toys, and with as many safety issues
addressed as they can.
It is possible to have a child in the other room at a few months old.
It's all in how you set up the bed environment, using bumpers, etc. and how attentive you are, and how far away that room actually is. Remember you're going to be sleeping also, so, yes. Parents often do have the baby in another room. They actually have little cushions I don't remember what they're called, for small babies, to hold them on their side so they don't choke or anything.
well a couple parents on this board said that they have bedshared just saying.
Bed sharing is really popular among some monied upper class natural people. Even in the early 90s that way. In parenting groups, you never have to guess who does bed-sharing, because they'll tell you within the first minute or so.
I don't bedshare, but I do cosleep. it's the best way for preventing sids.
You should not leave your baby unattended when they are learning to crawl, not confident with sitting up or have poor head control. why? because your baby can slam their head into stuff while trying to sit up or crawl.
When Matilda is sitting on the floor I am always sitting down there with her, sometimes giving her support with my hands to help her sit and get to the toy she wants to play with, or helping her to play with a new toy.
She can't sit up on her own, but she is determined to give it a damn good try, so she needs to be watched for a number of other reasons they need to be watched when they are able to move freely.
However, if my baby is belted into her swing safely, or if she is in her cot asleep, Yes, I do leave her unattended. I know there is nothing she can slam her head on in the cot, and that her swing is safe. If she's sitting in her highchair I can also take my eyes off her while fixing her food or washing up, because I know she's safe. give her a toy and she just sits quietly until I am finished.
In all other instances she is under my eye all the time, and I am able to get to her in a second if need be.
Oh now I understand more about the slamming their head thing. I thought it was something to worry about since Marshall does it when he's crawling around. Why do babies slam into things? If they're not visually impaired then can't they see to watch where they're going or whatever?
This scares me a little.
They bump their heads and such because they lack control. A baby's head is heavy, and neck muscles are not too strong yet. He's got this big ball on a flexible neck and he's trying to figure out how it moves and what happens when it moves.
Pretty much every baby I have ever known has bumped himself, fallen down, tripped, flattened on his face or whatnot, but do keep an eye out for Marshall's head especially. At nine months he's probably got the muscles to keep his head up, but he's still learning how to move around freely in an environment. Aas he gets older his motor control will get more detailed and he'll stop bashing into things.
Yeah I make sure that i keep doors closed so he can't bash into them and i do use paddings to pad the coffee table and other hard surfaces as someone suggested way back.
I never slept in the same room as my parents, same for my sister. I was born at home, so from day 1 I basically slept alone, though of course at that point my mum was pretty much up with me for feeding and what not.
I know when my nephew was a baby he would sometimes be left to sleep alone, for example he'd be set down for a nap, and my sister wouldn't stay with him constantly. But, she would check on him regularly and carry the baby monitor with her too.
As far back as the 1970s there were baby monitors. I remember my parents using one for my younger brother. Our daughter was close enough to us that we didn't have that issue, but Holly you're right. People slept in different rooms for quite a long time beforehand.
Trisha I can add to the answer about your baby running into things. Greg's right, of course, a human head is proportionally large for the neck of the baby. It's not just that the baby isn't strong enough yet, the baby's head with its big brain in it is too large for the neck.
Also, a baby has to learn how to use their eyes. It's not like "Oh, they can see, so ..." And you probably don't know just how well your baby can or can't see yet anyway. But in order to see properly, the baby has to learn how to focus and track movements. There's muscles involved and a lot more to it. Seeing is a lot more of a complicated sense than hearing or touch, when it comes to implementation. A baby has no real depth perception to speak of, and I know as a young parent I questioned the baby's ability to judge distances also.
Locomotion is another part of it. Once they start moving, they have to learn how to stop. You might have heard the expression "It's hard to stop a train." Literally" a train engineer in training spends a great deal of their time learning how to stop the train. And a young baby has to learn how to stop movement. Which is in part why, when they start learning to walk, they'll sometimes run uncontrollably. They have to learn how to stop without falling over, or in the case of crawling, how to stop without falling flat on their face.
Add to this that fear of falling is pretty common in most species, certainly humans and other primates.
babies heads are really too big for the body, so they just lack control. they can see stuff, but they can't stop themselves hitting thier heads.
babies heads are really too big for the body, so they just lack control. they can see stuff, but they can't stop themselves hitting thier heads.
Hey do you guys have any gift ideas for a 1 year old? I was thinking for Marshall's birthday I would get him more bath toys but not sure what else he would want. Would he be too young for candy and too old for a rattle?
Bath toys are good. Also, consider things like blocks or toys yall can play with together. I would absolutely stay away from candy. He is far too young for it. The choking hazard is huge. I would think he'd have outgrown a rattle by now. Cause and effect toys are great at this age. I'm going to leave this for moms with younger kids because it's been quite some time since I've shopped for a one-year-old.
Candy? Seriously? ... Let's pretend you didn't even suggest that one, right? Ok. Well. Object perminence boxes, a small set of duplos (those are the huge lego blocks that babies often play with)... you want to focus on developmental toys and activities at this age. Talking "educational toys" aren't the answer by the way; they don't do anything for the baby aside from overstimulating them. How about a stuffed baby doll? They make the soft rag kinds that baby can't hurt himself with. Marshall is a boy, and traditionally, maybe most parents wouldn't think a baby doll would be gender appropriate, but I and many other new mothers tend to think there's a huge benefit to a baby having a toy baby. First, they have a chance to inadvertently learn about their own anatomy through exploring the toy that resembles a human. Second, they have the opportunity to develop their nurturing caring side which naturally emerges in most kids when they have a likeness of themselves to "care for" and play with. Marshall will be growing new teeth, I bet, if they're not all in yet by now--so perhaps a new theether would be nice? Bath toys are always a safe bet though. Finally, go look up Montessori-inspired toys and activities that are appropriate for age one. Even if you don't practice montessori or follow the filosophy behind it, the developmental toys and activities recommended those who use that method of education are usually spot-on for the child's developmental progress.
My parents gave him a 3 dimentional toy that has letter tiles, shapes, and all that has different colors. would he be too young for that? Is that considered overstimulating? I suggested candy because I was thinking really tiny pieces such as those mini chocolate chips which would melt in his mouth, besides, how is a candy that small any different than giving him those baby snack puff things? both will dissolve so I was just wondering
Chocolate chips aren't going to dissolve before too much oxygen is lost. It has to do with the consistency.
You do realize that the snack puffs are made of real vegetables and fruit, while candy is chock full of empty calories and sugar that is totally inappropriate for even a two year old, let alone a one year old... Also, puffs melt almost instantly in the babies mouth... candy takes much longer, is much more slipery if hard candy, much more stifling if chocolate or some other soft substance... Seriously though? This isn't common sense to most people?
Anyway, the letter tile thing isn't overstimulating; colors and letters are appropriate and engaging. But it seems like it's inappropriate for now because it consists of small pieces. Wait several more months with that sort of thing if the pieces are really that small. Also you could get something like it for a smaller baby... Something that's also displaying colors and shapes but on a bigger scale so it's not a choking hazard.
Another good activity for this age range is a shape sorter. It's a bucket of large blocks in different shapes, and the baby picks them up and puts them back into the bucket through their matching holes in the top or side of the bucket. That's a really neat developmental toy because it familiarizes him with basic shapes while helping him refine his gross motor skills.
Just to clarify I know he can't choke on those letter and hspe tiles because they are attached to a wodden frame that hs the items strung between wire and beads, not exactly sure how to describe it otherwise but they're securely attached in such a way that they can't come off so he can't try to swallow any of it
Sorry; I misread your last comment. I thought you meant that the three d toy from your parents consisted of small pieces. If it doesn't, it's perfectly appropriate for his age. Its just the kind of toy that is beneficial for him in his development.
Also, what about books. Do you have any for him? Do you have any that you can read to him?
If not, this would be the perfect opportunity to stock up on some. Two companies I know of make print-braille children's books available to blind parents. One is Bulah Reimer Legacy and the other is Seedlings. Both are available via their web sites online.
Yep my parents also gave me braille books that have pictures, does that necessarily mean they are also in print as well as the braille, or is it just pictures?
They are print braille picture books. So they include the print as well as the braille; it's basically a print book converted into braille.
Not giving a baby chocolate isn't automatic common sense to me at his age, and definitely not at two. I can think of many many two-year-olds who have eaten candy in small doses by that age, empty calories and sugar or no.
I'm not saying candy or chocolate is a good idea - it probably isn't - but perhaps it's not an ugly idea either.
I had a toy when I was a baby, it was in the shape of a ball (roughly) and had two halves. It was hollow, and full of shapes. My mom would open it up and dump the big blocky shapes onto the floor, then snap the ball shut and give it to me; my job was then to get all the shapes back in the ball. I loved that thing. And Duplos, I loved those too.
Both of those toys are small enough that Marshall could probably put them in his mouth, but not nearly big enough for him to actually inhale or swallow. Still, vigilance is good.
absolutely no candy. I would even question the validity of introducing the concept of candy to a child before he is old enough to grasp the idea of treats vs real food. If you're still giving him breast milk, formular etc, there's plenty of sugar in that without you introducing unnatural crap to his diet.
If Swedes give candy at all, it's not before age 2 or 3, and it's pretty much a special treat. Once a week at most, while some parents opt to give children treats like that for birthdays, easter and christmas etc.
Gregg, I've honestly never met anyone who didn't think it wasn't common sense not to give a baby chocolate. sorry; I'll amend that; I've never met someone who was a parent who thought that giving chocolate to a baby wouldn't defy common sense. It's not just that the candy contains empty calories. that's secondary. I'm pretty convinced most people who know the basics of baby care understand that chocolate, even after infancy, is most definitely a choking hazard, and not the kind that compares to large chunks of fruit or meat or any other kind of solid. Chocolate can literally suffocate an infant, and it has nothing to do with how little or big the piece is. Honestly.
And what you describe by the way is a shape sorter. Although your toy was a bit unique in that it was a sphere; most today are boring buckets. lol. It would be neat to find a shape sorter in the shape of a ball because that gives a baby even more access to practicing enhanced motor skills.
Wow I did not know that chocolate by itself could suffocate an infant but I see how that could make sense though.
I'm quite sure I ate chocolate as a one-year-old if it was given to me in very small pieces. I didn't eat much of it or anything though.
Yeah I know a handful of parents who have given their kids chocolate and the like.
Trisha, are you talking about one of those mazes that consist of a wooden frame with cool little blockish squares running around on a metal track. Are the blocks strung along the metal/ wire track?
If that's what you're talking about, those are really need and will last through the next couple years. My son's pediatrician's office has always had one. There's usually at least one or two kiddos playing with it.
Wait what? Is it 1955? Seriously, as early as the 70s we boys had access to
dolls and I was raised in a very conservative household. These poor millennials
talking as though it was 1955 seems to be quite a thing.
Yes, I'd get your boy a doll, but don't put it in the wash machine when he can
see it. They're not just exploring the doll or whatever. Ok, maybe they are, but
they anthropomorphize it. They really do think the doll is another person. So
don't make the mistake I almost made and put it in the wash when the baby
can see it.
Also give him mixing spoons, measuring cups, any other kinds of things to play
with. Those things a baby will play with for hours on end. Hell, don't be
surprised if he's more interested in the box the gift came in. Kids love boxes.
Domestic goddess, I think that the thing you mentioned is what I'm talking about, there are wooden beads in the shape of spheres also strung between the squarish blocks and washer like looking things. Again, as everything is securely attached, he cannot choke on any of it.
Well leo, I got a lot of shit from so-called traditional gender role advocates about my son having a baby doll toy. He has two and still plays and sleeps with both of them. they actually have anatomically correct new born baby boy dolls now, lol, I wonder if they had those back when you were growing up? It's actually good to know that thirty or forty years ago parents gave their boys baby dolls. The amount of shit I got from people because they saw my boy walking around carrying a baby boy doll made me believe that it's been some kind of stupid taboo or something. lol.
Trisha, that maze thing will be great. I suspect the beeds, for lack of a better term, are brightly colored and might have letters and numbers on them as well.
I had a set of blocks when my son was little that had the print alphabet on them. The letters were raised so I could feel them. They were in upper and lower case as well. Something like that would be good because right now he's just in the stage where he'll manipulate them, stacking and whatnot, which is good for fine motor skills. As he gets older, like 2 or so and starts learning his letters, there are all sorts of things they could be used for.
I saw one of those on the ferry we were on on the weekend. Matilda played with it for ages. I need to find one now.
Where can I get those block cubes that have raise print and Braille letters? or how about those magnetic letters that have the braille on them if yall have ever heard of those? I had the letter magnets when I was little but I wasn't Marshall's age. I'm not sure if they would pose as choking hazards though.
Do you know how to shop on amazon.com? If not, what computer platform are you using? I'll give instructions if I can. That's where I buy most things.
if they are large cubes with stuff printed on them, the kind that even you could put your hand around, then no, if they are the small ones that fit on the fridge, and are just the letter, they probably would be best left alone till he is starting to learn to read.
I'm probably gonna look dumb here for a second with this question, but what do you mean by computer platform? Are you talking like operating systems?
I don't think there was anatomically correct stuff then, that came about in the 90s when my Wife was working at Head Start.
The real difference was, then a girl played with trucks and cars and played in the dirt, or a boy played with a doll for awhile, but the parents and teachers didn't need to get out the PA system and bullhorn to announce to *everyone* how *enlightened* and *gender-neutral* they are.
i'm not saying you did, but many do. And I know even I sometimes react defensively to it, not because to play with different things is wrong. But for the equally stupid idea that announcing how enlightened we are and how our kids are there to show how gender neutral and culturally appropriate they are, makes people physically sick. People really don't want to associate with ideological crusaders, and usually refuse to play nice with them. Probably due to your age when people saw the doll, they assumed you were one and baited you.
For many of these crusaders, it's not about the gender neutrality, or being reasonable and letting kids explore whatever it happens to be they're into. It's all about "Look at meee! Aren't I wonderful?" We had them in my day too. The people who thought nobody had ever fed a baby natural foods until 1994 but *now* we need to get out the air horn and proclaim to everyone else how enlightened *we* are.
It's unfortunate for you, because people probably saw you and thought crusader, again due to age and demographic. Because, with all the social networks and websites and things, crusaders are a lot more common and have a louder voice than before.
I'm guessing you would hate the crusaders at least as much as the rest of us do, possibly just a bit more.
Trisha, yes, that's what I meant. Are you using Windows, a Mac, or an I device?
There are refrigerator magnets of many shapes and sizes, toys, letters, numbers, spoons, forks, tools, all kinds of things.
But as Perestroika says, that must wait until your little one is old enough to no longer put items in his mouth.
I am using a very crappy system, windows vista. I got it from my rehab worker last year.
sometimes the magnets are very poorly made on those things and they fall off too, and they are very small, and swallowable, and thus a choking hazard. I don't think I was introduced to them till I was starting preschool.
Actually leo, the kind of judgment I was talking about was more to the tune of: "You dumb young kid, don't you know you're kid's a boy? What the fuck kind of sissy are you raising by giving him a doll--get that kid a fucking car for christ's sake." I heard it from family as well as older and middle-aged men at parks and even a couple play groups I've been to. lol. I'm not kidding. I don't even know what you mean by crusaders--I'm assuming you mean parents who try to show off, but honestly, I haven't seen too much of that in my time as a parent--not in personal at least, and I assure you I'm not showing off how gender-nutral I can be; I'm simply annoyed and pissed at the closed-mindedness of many people I've encountered who insist that boys should play with trucks and not dolls, or else they'll grow up to be gays or pussies. My fundamental republican uncle's words, by the way, not mine. lol. I just know many like him with that viewpoint. That's what I was speaking to. So my remark was just that I was pleasantly surprised that this was not uncommon--for blys to play with dolls and such--back when you were growing up. I honestly just haven't met many parents or otherwise who were actually accepting of that sort of thing.
Or instead of seeking out special braille letter blocks, you can just go and buy regular, decent-size alphabet blocks from any store--they're large and stackable--and then get someone to help you label each one in braille. that shouldn't take too long. That's what I did anyway.
Ok I was just curious about something, if a mother decides to breastfeed her kid till say like two years of age, does that include giving breastmilk in a bottle or just specifically referring to the act of feeding from the actual breast?
Why not give a 2 year old a sippy cup or a normal cup? Why a bottle? Also, from what I've been reading, women still use their breasts, but a bottle? Nah.
some parents still use a bottle, though it's probably time to transition a kid to the sippy cup by 2.
It refers to the act of still giving breast milk. However if you say breast feeding, that specifically refers to letting the baby take milk from the breast, which is advisable right up to age 2.
I don't. I can't. but I pump exclusively, and there's another name for that.
some parents still use a bottle, though it's probably time to transition a kid to the sippy cup by 2.
It refers to the act of still giving breast milk. However if you say breast feeding, that specifically refers to letting the baby take milk from the breast, which is advisable right up to age 2.
I don't. I can't. but I pump exclusively, and there's another name for that.
I am still having issues trying to get Marshall to drink from a sippy cup, he's almost ten months old. Should I be worried? I mean he eats solids and all just not quite at the sippy cup stage yet.
I wouldn't be worried. My son didn't like the sippy cup either at first. Just keep trying but don't get frustrated with him. He'll pick up on that. It'll come.
Sippy cups take time, yes. I think the daughter was close to a year and a half at
least before learning how to manage it properly. There's a lot more steps than
we realize to learning how to drink from those.
And yet, when I was a kid, I remember my parents just giving my little brothers
regular cups, no such sippy cups as we use now. But, it takes a lot of time to
learn.
I wouldn't be worried. almost 8 months and I haven't even bothered giving Matilda a sippy cup yet. she just has a designated water bottle.
Probably won't introduce one till a year old, really, when she is fully used to sitting at table and eating her food.
Hello parents, I am curious as to your thoughts concerning introducing your children to santa claus, the tooth fairy and all the other mythical legends. I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, it encourages them to use their imagination and helps them in pretend play, but on the other hand, when they find out the truth that such people don't exist, the children could feel like we lied to them thus breaking their trust in us as parents and some might not be able to handle the disappointment very well. What do you guys think?
Do it if you want, most kids grow out of it just fine. And you can always explain
it later, that it makes the holidays more fun. Decent people do, and decent
people don't.
If you are the type of person who wants to make the world a little more magical for your child, then I say go for it. We intend on doing it all for Matilda, because it's fun. A lot of atheists say that it's bad to lie to your kids and so on but a lot of them just want the credit for buying their kids presents because selfish.
I'm an atheist, but I love fantasy. I love how films, books and real life can be made magical and exciting, and kid's eyes light up when they meet santa at the store, or like we do in Sweden, do santa swap and have someone elses dad come to the door dressed as santa while your kids dad is doing it for another family.
That's kind of a neat custom, Loui.
I remember learning as a parent just how much our kids learn from other kids' parents. In our mononucleic system meant to produce industrial workers, we forget the influence that people other than the two parents can have on the kids.
I'll admit I'd have thoroughly enjoyed playing the Santa in the context of the custom you describe.
I have several comments. see what happens when one doesn't kekep up with things?
first giving chocolate to a baby or toddler is equivilent to giving soda to them. no no no!!!! my son and his wife did this and guess what? yesterday their sweet seven year old daughter had three abcessed baby teeth removed yesterday because she ate too many candies and drank too much soda. the dentist said the patern of infection was indicative of this. do you want your darling child to have pain because you weakened to the advertisement industry or pier pressure? an occasional piece is fine. western society does not grasp the concept of treats. defined it is something special which is given occasionally and treated as a special occasion.
as for santa, we sure live in a grim world these days. when I was a kid I believed in him. when I stopped my mom said to me "santa is the christmas spirit. some people also think it's god's goodness but that's too hard to explain to little kids. so keep on believing in santa's generosity." I still do. so there!!! My daughter and her husband have told my youngest granddaughter about him but it's not a big deal. my My son has not let his children believe in him. this makes me sad. it's fun for all concerned and it's harmless. but of course fun is the new f bomb today.
oh another thing when my son was four some little beast stood up in sunday school and said "santa isn't real. if your mommy and daddy say he is, they are liars." of course the teacher changed the subject. my son asked me about it. I said that I believed in santa's spirit of kindness. so was I lying? hell no.
oh yes and when my kids were little I also made or bought a birthday cake and we sang happy birthday to jesus at christmass dinner.
Ok so I was wondering at what age do I need to start having Marshall sleep in his own room? In a few months my little family will be moving to a two bedroom apartment since we currently live in a one bedroom place. Marshall and I've been cosleeping so far since day 1. If I choose to breastfeed him till he's two, wouldn't having him sleep in a separate bedroom be more difficult? Also would I need to start weaning him from night time feeding if he must sleep in a separate bedroom from me? I had thought it would be because if I'm tired enough, that makes it harder for me to go to his room if it's all the way at the end of the apartment so I was thinking that it would make more sense to continue having him in the same room until he gives up night time feedings and/or when he's finally potty trained and no longer wearing diapers. How do you parents deal with this type of situation? Because I know that some parents have their kids sleep in separate rooms from the start but how many of those parents breastfeed up to at least the first year?
Are there any decisions you can make, without input from others?
It's an apartment, not the Vanderbilt mansion! Walking down the hall, even sleepily, shouldn't be a chore.
Aren't kiddos typically sleeping through the night, by one year?
I have made my decision but I like to get other parent's experiences.
Last time I checked sleeping through the night meant not waking up at all for diper changing or feeding, am I correct? Well he only wakes up once a night now since he's 10 months unlike when he was younger he would wake 2-3 times in the night. I just wanted to clarify the phrase sleeping through the night which may mean different things to different people not to mention every baby is different. I heard that brestfed babies wake more often anyway than bottle or formula fed babies.
Okey then.
But after a year, a child doesn't still need to be breast fed, right? You're doing that for your own sake. The thought of an aware, mobile and talking two-year-old still being fed like that is odd.
Actually The Academy of American Pediatrics advise that babies be breastfeed up to two years and some of the Hadley classes I've taken also advise it. Breastfeeding has good benefits for both mother and child. For example, it helps protect mothers against breast cancer, and it helps mothers keep their weight down. The milk also has antebodies that are good for the baby to help fight infections and stuff.
Here's my advice Trisha.
Now bear in mind, only the earth people did bed sharing or what you call
cosleeping when my daughter was little. Guess who never did cosleeping, unless
you count a baby wriggly girl-cub falling asleep on dad's chest.
Your books have probably told you what dinosaur monsters we are, just like
ours told us the same about our parents' generation. But if you think you came
out all right, save the occasional screw missing that we all have got, then don't
sweat it. It's a transition no doubt, but do it when you feel you can manage that
transition.
Trust me, he won't remember this when he's as big as you are now, unless you
remember whether or not your parents did the same, and how you felt about
it.
There's theory, and there's practice, same as I tell the interns leaving school
and getting into software engineering for the first time. Theory said that we
weren't to use a bottle because of what they called nipple confusion. But in
practice, in our case, mom was sleeping so dad just took some extra milk she'd
pumped into the bottle, put the bottle under hot water till it was warm, fed the
baby and who knew? Sure, the ideological La Leches did some belly-aching, but
I've seen squawkers before so nothing new, and the daughter was fine. Same is
true about this cosleeping, or bed sharing as the earth mamas used to call it.
Their claim that your baby will think you don't love them any more if you put
them in their own bed? Well, mine seems not to have that issue.
And if you do run into trouble with your baby falling asleep, well some babies
just have that problem. And parents just work through it.
Feel free to do what makes sense to you. And when you read something from
their magazines, ask first: "Does this make sense to me?"
As to nursing them till a certain age, it does depend on the mother, and yes, the
baby. Ours quit at ten months and I do mean quit. Just couldn't be bothered to
do it anymore, would be looking around, looking out the window, wanting to go
play, it wasn't like the earth people said at all. Not dissing on the earth people,
they had a lot of great points and in particular I went their way when it came to
just making food myself for the baby instead of the jars.
If your baby gets picked up, held, played with, stuff like that, then he knows
he's loved. Wanta know how you really can tell? If and when he bumps his head
or gets scared, if he comes running up to you there's your ticket. Or if you're
gone and come back, same thing, if he comes running up to you, well, you
know. So if you put him in his own bed, it's not going to make him think you
don't love him anymore. Or some other complicated psychology thing they've
got. Usually these kinds of people have some valid points but you just gotta
take it all with a grain of salt. If you're stressing out about not doing it like the
book says, the baby will just know you're stressed out. Better to just do what
you can, and do what makes the most sense to you.
it really depends how you are feeding him through the night. are you breast or bottle feeding?
after about a year, I would stop feeding him to get him back to sleep. I would start giving him water instead of milk if he is thirsty. If you don't want to do that this young, then I would keep him in with you as he'll be less likely to wake the house if you want to feed him milk when he wakes.
this is our plan because we want to transition Matilda to her own room in the summer after her first birthday.
it really depends how you are feeding him through the night. are you breast or bottle feeding?
after about a year, I would stop feeding him to get him back to sleep. I would start giving him water instead of milk if he is thirsty. If you don't want to do that this young, then I would keep him in with you as he'll be less likely to wake the house if you want to feed him milk when he wakes.
this is our plan because we want to transition Matilda to her own room in the summer after her first birthday.
this arbitrary date of when a baby should sstop nursing is just thata number. only you and you alone know when that time is correct. each family is different. if you are moving, to saveyourself a lot of sleepless nights and aggravation wait a couple months before you start moving your son to a different room. a new place, messed up routines, etc. etc. etc. can mess up a child's life enough. minimize the stress for both of you. for person who said giving wter to put a child to sleep. that only works for a bottle baby. over the age of one breastfeeding comforts and soothes as much as it nourishes. and for the record in developing countries they want babies to nurse until two because the immune system is more able to deal with the crud in the wataer by then. also back in our grandparents and further back nursing went on until age two. in fact in the 1800s and before solids were not introduced untilone year. the whole concept of baby food came along because agribusiness wanted to know what to do with produce that was fine but not pretty enough to display in a store. hence smush it up and feed it as early as possible. just thought that trivia might ring someone's bell.
as for the person who critized someone for asking for advice. correct me if I am wrong. is this not a board where folks can ask for assistance?
Nice ideas, Turricane. Well said.
Ok why is it that every parent that I've ever talked to outside of this site think it's ok to spank a child starting when they reach toddler to preschool age and a little after? I've presented them with all the research I've done on the matter and the arguments against it and nobody would buy it yet they're ready to agree that it's not ok to hit adults but for some reason kids are different. They all say that it's just spanking, it's not like you're beating them to death. I am not a supporter for spanking or any kind of smacking no matter where on the body even if it's smacking a toddler's hands. These parents think it takes too much time with other measures of discipline like Marshall's father for instance says a 10 minute timeout could take 40 minutes because the kid would scream and cry or try to leave the corner then you have to restart the timer and all that crap. Explanations take time also and taking privileges away doesn't always work. Well I explained to him that the kids have to earn his privileges or toys back by showing they could be responsible and respectful and all or doing chores and he said he refuses to use chores as punishment since they need to get done anyway. My family has a similar mindset to his family and I grew up being spanked as well but that doesn't mean I want to do this to Marshall. Rehab teachers I've talked to also spank their children and so have my other friends' parents, also the lady who helps me work on my cleaning skills has spanked her kids and last but not least, my neighbor spanks his kids. Some of these parents are sighted so I know it's not just a blind parent thing. Why must people deem it ok to hit a child at all? Children are people also. It just pisses me off to no end how the world is when it comes to discipline kids. So I am stuck here, I can't think of anymore techniques for discipline that would work. The only person that takes my side is my boyfriend's sister and I mentioned this to my bf to which he said she's not a parent and she is young and doesn't have a lot of world experience especially when it comes to children. I know she is very smart and she says she doesn't agree with spanking either but who's to say she won't change her mind when she's a parent?
Just shows the culture you live in and the company you keep, unfortunately. I can show you entire groups of parents--both online and off--who wouldn't ever spank a kid and who don't think it's ok. Sweden, as Loui has stated before, is an entire country of parents that frown upon spanking kids. so there you go. The fact that you are surrounded by parents who think spanking is ok just proves that you're around a lot of small-minded, lazy parents. Might be good people otherwise, mind you. Might be excellent at other things--like teaching rehab skills even. But parenting isn't one of their best suits, simply because spanking enters into their equasion. Just look at the well-behaved, polite, happy children of Sweden if you need to see evidence of my point. Then look at their mouthy, spoiled, loud ungrateful American counterparts who were spanked and will probably spank. nuff said.
I told these parents that spanking a child will in turn make the child more aggressive in the long run and the parents in turn replied that not spanking them would spoil them and still make them aggressive. I just don't know what to do here other than do my part to not spank him because I will absolutely not spank him no matter what they say even though that may make me the good cop. My parents told me that if I don't spank and my bf does, that sends mixed messages to Marshall though, he may think he may be able to get away with more around me than he would with his father so I'm not sure how to not confuse Marshall. Ugh! why does my circle of people have to be so frustrating minus the one good person? and she's not even a parent!
I disagree with using soap in the mouth or hot sauce to correct bad language or talking back to parents. For one, it's just cruel and also you are putting chemicals in a child's mouth and what if they're allergic to those products, even the smallest amount could be deadly. Also I hate when parents think it's ok to pull over in a car or when they're out in public and spank a child right there for passersby to see, we're supposed to be teaching our children, not embarrassing them.
Piping up because I'm bored, really. I don't much care about this topic.
I only had to taste Ivory soap once to get the message. Haha
I was spanked, my sister was spanked, most of our friends too, and we aren't aggressive, bullying people. that's a load of rubbish you're carrying around. And what sort of aggression are we talking about, here? This stuff truly isn't the end of the world.
well like I said before, parents tell their kids it's not ok to hit another kid when the kid is upset, naturally the parent tries to channel the child's anger in another direction but in the same moment, a parent will hit/spank their child after telling him not to hit his friend so that is the kind of aggression I'm talking about. Research says that violence breeds violence and I just don't agree with it altogether. By the way violet blue are you a parent, it doesn't sound like it just saying.
I say this rarely, but I mean it when I do. wholeheartedly agree with trisha here. And soap in the mouth is the stupidest, most useless kind of punishment... Not to mention these days, with the chemicals used in most soaps--not the best stuff to ingest. Violet, what kind of message did you get--exactly. lol. Intelligent parents make sure the punishment correlates with the action--they make sure the consequences make logical sense.
*laugh* God knows what message I got, but it never happened a second time. I think my mother was angry, and regretted doing it. I wouldn't inflict that on a kid, just pointing out that it's also not the most horrible thing to live through, either.
As for spankings, as a kid, I don't think you have the capacity to think, oh, they tell me not to hit, but then they hit me. I certainly never analyzed it to that degree, and by the time I was old enough to think that way, I was too old to be spanked. I don't recall that the spanking itself was what was upsetting, but rather the fact of feeling that I wasn't understood, that my parents didn't take in whatever explanation/reason I gave for why I'd done whatever it was I'd done, and that was what made me cry, that was what sticks in my memory.
No, trisha, I am not a parent. I have a niece and nephew, and I intended to be a parent, so I have thought over these things, a bit.
Kids don't analyze, they take things in subconsciously--kind of like sponges. Study the montessori filosophy and then take a look at the teaching method tied to it in action.. Then maybe what I'm saying might become a little clearer to you. My point is, as adults, we have the power to make that kind of analysis, so why subject a kid to that sort of contradiction. Plus, even if a kid won't analyze such a concept, he will internalize it or save it for later to analyze. if parents gave a little forethought to the way they care for, teach, and discipline their kids, maybe fewer adults would be fucked up and in therapy. lol.
Trisha, you can tell your partner that spanking is actually Illegal here in Sweden, and our kids are some of the best behaved in the world. spanking your child can get you into serious trouble here, and at very leasta visit from social services.
Spanking your child just proves you are a lazy parent who wants the quick option. Parenting takes time, and if you want to be a parent, yes, you have to take that half hour to teach your children.
also, Swedes don't do time out, either. most swedes are shocked if parents use such methods. Instead we actually try to understand how our children are feeling and why they are acting the way they are.
we take an empathetic approach. if our child is upset, they are upset for a reason. we talk to them, listen to them and then explain why they are not getting the candy, or the toy or whatever. However we always reenforce love. we do allow our kids some alone time to calm down, but it's not viewed as a punishment. We try to avoid that sort of military style punishment environment.
Spanking also teaches a child that their body is not their own, which can leave them open to abuse by others.
I wish the American culture was more open-minded when it comes to not using spanking as punishment and other issues like cosleeping and not using the CIO method. I really need to move to another country lol.
You'd hardly need to leave the country, Trisha. It's uncommon for spanking to be acceptable, anymore, even in the woefully misguided U.S.
No one's forcing you to discipline your child in any way you feel is inappropriate!
Too many cultures are represented in this country to facilitate the easy passage of legislation that would make spanking a child punishable by imprisonment or permanent removal of the child from the parental home. Interference from social workers in cases where parents are disabled and doctors have the misguided view that people can't be competent parents due to their disabilities is one reason CPS tends to get wrongfully involved. But they do remove children from homes where methods of punishment such as starvation or the leaving of noticeable marks--such as burns, cuts and welts--is regularly implemented. so CPS is good in the latter example.
There are people here who promote peaceful parenting, attachment parenting, and other nonviolent ways of raising their kids, but overall, I still think spanking is accepted here more than it should be, particularly among adults of our parents' generation and older.
I've heard parents remark, "Gees, we can't even punish our kids in public anymore."
My Gosh, if they only understood the full impact of their actions on their childrens' mental state ... Every slap changes who that child is and shapes them and their perception of people they're supposed to trust. I hope someday, enough people understand this, so making spanking kids illegal could be possible, but for now, it is just a dream.
Hello, it's been awhile since I've posted here but I have a question about what to say to Marshall when it come to questions about god. His father is a free spirit which is he believes anything is possible as far as what is out there whether it be a god or something else and I don't believe in a god at all. So if there are any atheistic parents out there, what do you tell your kids? I've been thinking bout this for years, long before having Marshall and I've got nothing. I don't want to lie to him because what if he asks his friends an teachers and they tell him there is a god, then he'd think I was lying if he comes back and I tell him there is none.
Trisha, there is a book called Parenting Without God, which my atheist parent
friends say is excellent. Its gotten a lot of great reviews, and I believe its
spawned a podcast and other internet things like that. You might start there.
I will have to check it out.
Unless I'm mistaken, I don't think teachers are able to discuss God or religion of any sort unless the child doing the questioning is in a parochial school setting.
Dale McGowan is the author, and it's a part of a great series of books.
It's also on Bard.
I thought it was called Parenting beyond Belief but I could be wrong.
Anyway I read his book In Faith And In Doubt, about inter-faith relationships. His style is easy to understand and personable.
That was a great recommendation from Cody.
I called the libraries both national and city libraries and none of them have this book in Braille sadly which is how I prefer to read my stuff. They said they didn't have any copies available in any other form of media either.
Yeah, you're not going to find it in braille, sadly. You'll have to have it on
audio.
It's parenting beyond belief, and it's on bookshare. If you have bookshare, you can read it in braille with a display. We're atheist parents and the way we explain it to Gabriel is:
We don't think there's really a god, but some people choose to believe there is one because they need to. Because it brings them comfort and makes them hopeful and happy.
But we believe in real things, like sience an nature and history--and that's beautiful and hopeful enough for us.
He's four now and he generally is of the mind and idea that God is like Santa clause, some people pretend he's real but to them it's like a fun game that they need in their lives. lol. that's how we navigate it thus far.
Exactly my thoughts, I've always seen religion as a crutch.
Trisha, there's a great group on facebook called 'Atheist Parents'
I am a member, and it will probably help to answer some of those questions you have. I am an atheist too, but my husband and I do not intend on bringing up our beliefs with anyone till she's old enough to know santa and the tooth fairy don't exist.
No introduction to religion till she's old enough to not believe what she's told unquestioningly. Sweden is very secular, so it shouldn't be a problem.
Loui, you're so lucky that Sweden is by and large secular and that you won't have many issues with early introduction to religion by outsiders. Here, we are both atheists as well, and we've had issues with not only family members but also schoolmates bringing up the religion thing. Gabriel came to me recently saying, "my friend Daniel said that babies come from God and that god is real. so you lied to me that babies come from tummies." we circumnavigated this doozie, but it was still unpleasant. ugh.
Hey, not to change the topic, but can you possibly post the link to the facebook group you mentioned? I'd love to join.
What I wouldn't give to live in a society based on logic and reason and
science, like sweden, rather than one based on fairytales, like ours. I envy you
so very much, and I don't even have kids.
Babies come from tummies and they're here because parents fucked and made them, not God doing anything. The only person who was special was Mary... lol
I feel so sorry for your child. Here you are as parents teaching your child logic, while other parents are teaching their kid blibliblob.
Well, we straightened things out for him in his little mind soon and swiftly. lol. But we are trying to instill compassion as well as logic, so I told him that his friend's parents probably need to believe god is real to be strong people and take care of his friend, so it would be nice not to discuss god with that friend anymore, and just ignore him when he says comments like God makes babies. lol. Gabriel agreed. :D
Would it be okay if a child one day has friends of different faiths, asks questions of them when and if the topic of God and Heaven is ever discussed among them ,does his own research, then makes up his or her own mind about what he or she wants to do where spirituality is concerned? Yes, you are raising him or her without religion, but what if the kid eventually wants to make up their own mind when they're old enough and finds comfort with the possibility that God does exist? Allowing children to explore diverse faiths, I believe, is the best way to handle situations like this. You believe what you believe, raise a child to understand what and how you believe or choose not to believe, but let him make up his own mind. IF he feels he needs to share thoughts with you on certain things in whatever religion he chooses, (if any), let him speak and be respectful of his choice when he makes a decision, if this even comes to pass. Just my thoughts on the subject.
In my case, that's perfectly reasonable. I've already thought about this, and I'm perfectly fine with my kid choosing his own spiritual path when he's ready and when he's reflected on the matter and done his research. Absolutely, that's why I'm not opposed to him exploring. He's gone with my mother to her Catholic church before when he's stayed over at her house. If he wants to visit a mosque one day just to see what it's like, we'll go. He understands mine and his father's stance on religion, and we'll always make logic a forefront of our lives but he's absolutely free to choose his own path if its different from ours.
I just don't want my family's closed minded ways to be the main thing that dictate Marshall's beliefs and I don't want the family to guilt him into believing in their religious ways, that's all. I'd rather him decide for himself without them shoving their beliefs down his throat because that is how I grew up since they did it to me and made me feel bad for not believing in god and all.
Here is the link to the parenting group for Atheists. It's closed, but we have active admins.
https://m.facebook.com/groups/160437930690019?view=info&refid=18
I jus joined it. but why is it closed?
Close means that only authorize people can join. Membership needs to be approve by admin.
it's a closed group to make it easier for the admins to throw out religious trolls etc. only atheists and agnostics are allowed to join.
For those outside the U.S., the religious trolls seems to mainly be an American thing.
Many groups are closed for different reasons, though. But if you get a notification that a group is closed, if you got an invite, it means you'll be able to get in. And read and post and so forth.
I personally am not a part of any groups related to religion or atheism anymore, but am a part of a couple groups that are closed by the admins, and you don't always know why.
Hey all, I have a few questions about potty training now that the time is coming upon us soon. Marshall is now 14 months old and he has just started walking without hanging onto anything or anyone but he still falls sometimes. So my questions are as follows: as a totally blind mother, what are the signs that show his readiness to begin potty training? How old should he be before we can start? And are there different techniques with me as a woman training him versus his daddy potty training him since he is a guy? Also, in the beginning, should he be sitting down? I tried to research some of this stuff but couldn't find anything remotely close to the ansers I was looking for.
The only advice I can give at this point is: don't force him to start potty training too soon.
My friend Jamie said she or her husband would sometimes take their son into the bathroom with them to show him what he would eventually have to do, (obviously that would be more the father's responsibility), and to let him get used to what the toilet sounds like so when it came time to start potty training, he wouldn't be afraid of it.
Observing another friend potty training her son, sometimes it's best to stay in there with him, and to reassure him that he's okay, especially if it's his first time going pooh on the toilet. that sensation of something coming out of them can be scary for them at first.
As for when, each child is different, so it's hard to determine exactly when to begin this process of transitioning from nappies to toilet. Best of luck and let us know how thigs progress. Remember, don't rush him if he is not even showing signs yet.
I can only second Reyami's last post. Patience, Patience, and then more patience is needed, especially when training boys.
Best of luck.
Didn't your son just turn 1? I didn't even start thinking about it with my son until he was 2. I'd give it some time.
Yeah he's 15mos now I was just asking cause I know some parents try to potty train as early as possible but I don't see a need for it right now. He's not even showing signs of readiness as far as I can tell.
Ok let's talk growth spurts and sleep schedules. So Marshall and I were just in WI visiting my family and we were there for two weeks. Anyway, I'm not sure when it started, but at least when he was there, he ate quite a bit of food and slept a lot more, I think more than he does at home. So my question is: if he was going through a growspurt, how long does one last between the next one? He's 15mo like I said in the previous post. He's been taking 1 3 hour naps almost daily and I was wondering if this was normal? Also, before we went to my parents', we tried to have his bedtime between 8 and 9pm but for those two weeks plus when we came back yesterday, he's been going to bed between 9 and 10. Should I just leave it as it is, or try to change it back? I hear that some babies try to set their own routines and this seems like the time Marshall has chosen for himself.
You'll know when he's ready...when that time comes be patient...it can be a frustrating process, so patience is a must.
When my son was going through it, if I remember correctly he was maybe 2 to 3, he's 27 now so it's been a long time...It wasn't going well. Suddenly one day he just said to me out of the blue, "I'm going to go to the potty". I told him to just knock himself out. He did and tha't's all there was too it.Good luck.
but she's asking about growth spurts and sleep schedules. again, depends on the child ...
Anyone have any good gift ideas for Marshall since he's nearly 2 years old? I mean he already has plenty of toys and clothes so I don't want to get him anything that's the same as what he already has... I want to give him something special just not sure what.
Give him your love. That will mean more to him than other stuff would at this point. Your love is what he really needs.
Hello all. It's been a long, long time since I've posted here. I feel like I've come a long way in these last 2 and a half years as a parent. My child is thriving very well and he is very smart for 2. He's learning a little bit of piano, he knows his alphabet, can count up to 20 with some assistance and can speak some short sentences. Do yall think we should consider putting him into a gifted school for talented children?
I don't particularly care for those schools that push academics on children at such an early age. Let his talents unfold naturally as he develops emotionally, cognitively, socially and physically. I would say he is on target for a child in his age group.
Well, as long as the school is gifted...
You should certainly make the decision based on the opinions of some strangers on a website, yep.
Ok have you guys ever had trouble with your children in potty training where they will go steadily day after day for awhile then they just refuse to go for several days in a row no matter how you bribe them? Why does this happen and how can I get him excited about going? I've tried going to the bathroom and sitting on the toilet when he does but nothing is working. Is this normal in potty training?